You’re All Invited To Jarrett Stidham’s Coronation

There’s a lot of confusion in New England. Tom Brady has retired to Florida and after two decades of dominance, the Patriots are now quarterback-less.

Dave Portnoy is sobbing into his pizza while commentators come up with new creative ways to be racist while Bill Simmons and his dad record a podcast about Larry Bird’s Finals appearances as they pretend they never heard the Brady news. There’s probably also some racist stuff in there too. Boston is a terrible place for browns.

But what people fail to realize is that the New England Patriots don’t need 67-year old Tom Brady. They already have the next GOAT on their roster ready to step up and win 7 Super Bowls.

Enter Jarrett Stidham. (Usually I lie and say that I’ve ‘watched film’ but I’m literally sharing the two minutes of highlights that I saw three days ago).

Anyway, let’s talk about the new king of New England.

On paper, he kind of sucks. Shrug.gif.

In his rookie season, he appeared in a Week 3 game against the New York Jets completing 2 of his 3 pass attempts including an 11-yard completion. Dope. His one incompletion also happened to be an interception. I’m told those are bad.

But we’re never going to learn how good a QB is in garbage time. Instead, let’s go back in time.

In 2015, Jarrett Stidham was a 4-star recruit and was the No. 2 ranked dual-threat quarterback behind Kyler Murray. Are you familiar with that name? Heisman Trophy winner. No. 1 overall draft pick. The ender of Josh Rosen’s career. Future MVP throwing to Larry Fitzgerald and DeAndre Hopkins.

The wonderful Art Briles managed to get Stidham to commit to Baylor that year but Stidham would later transfer because Briles decided to recruit a team exclusively consisting of fucking rapists which led to his firing and overall removal from college football.

Don’t let Jarret Stidham get hot. It’s a damn shame that Art Briles thinks women exist exclusively to service the needs of football players.

In his three games ay Baylor, Stidham threw for 934 yards with 6 TDs, 2 interceptions and a 63% completion percentage. He then took his talents to Auburn after sitting out a year due to dumb NCAA transfer rules and in 2017 he threw for 3,158 yards with 22 total touchdowns and a 151.0 passer rating. He led the SEC in completion percentage. Mad decent.

The Tom Brady era is a wrap. Sharks only swim forwards. We’re not batting an eye at his departure because there’s a new king on the roster.

Ignore all the rumors about Cam Newton or Jameis Winston. Brian Hoyer’s cleat will never touch the field. Even when the game is over and every jogs across the field into the locker room. Hoyer will have to go the long way around the endzones. It’s Jarrett Stidham’s field from now on.

Or he sucks. I don’t know.






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Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

E-mail to talk directly about all Deadseriousness related stuff or if you just want to talk about like, the Yankees or Marvel comics or whatever.

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