Your Last Second Guide to the 2016 Election

So today’s Election Day AKA the day in which we finally stop seeing memes about how the world is going to end and blah blah. This is quite possibly one of the biggest elections of all time as the gap between the Democrats and the Republicans in Congress has never been greater. Bi-partisanship is dead and the nation is divided.

Who should lead us to the Promised Land? Here’s a quick rundown of their stances.


Donald Trump:

  • Trump will lower your taxes. Problem is, lowering our taxes and giving tax breaks to the wealthy completely fucks up the economy and puts us trillions in debt. Lowering taxes makes the rich richer and the poor poorer.
  • Trump wants to shut down Planned Parenthood and end abortions. Planned Parenthood provides affordable birth control, STD tests and support systems for young women in need. It’s not some underground dungeon where babies are being ripped out of the womb in the third trimester and thrown in the trash.
  • Trump wants to waterboard and torture terrorist threats. Statistically, torture doesn’t help interrogations at all. Putting the human body through tremendous pain and stress actually distorts their memories and any information you get from them is false or just completely unusable.
  • Trump wants to build a wall on the Mexican border. Here’s the thing, that will increase the number of illegal immigrants. Fun fact: increasing security at the border and making immigration harder, encourages more immigrants who are just visiting on a Visa to stay longer because it’s borderline impossible for them to ever return. Plus, airplanes still exist which is the most prominent way illegal immigrants get to America.
  • Trump wants to bring back stop and frisk and racial profiling. “If you’re not doing anything wrong then it shouldn’t be a big deal” says every white person who has never been discriminated against for their skin color ever.

Hillary Clinton:

  • Hillary Clinton will raise your taxes. Yes, that sounds bad but your taxes won’t skyrocket and it’ll barely be noticeable but the elite 1% will actually be taxed an appropriate amount based off of their incomes. Her tax plan will actually increase the national budget by close to $1 trillion.
  • Hillary Clinton wants to keep Obamacare going. Obamacare is expensive as shit and isn’t accepted by most physicians. Universal healthcare is a cute idea and all but Obamacare is not that.
  • Clinton wants to let in Syrian refugees. This one is a tough moral issue and I don’t want to tip my hand too much on where I lean politically because I just write jokes on the internet all day but America doesn’t need to be the hero of the world. We can just chill in our own hemisphere and let the Middle East do it’s thing. Also Syrian¬†refugees blew up Paris last year sooo. I mean obviously that doesn’t reflect 99% of the refugees who just want to escape a war torn country but again, let’s just chill and do our own thing over here.
  • Hillary’s immigration plan has been iffy as she once voted in favor of a wall in the past and doesn’t seem to take a hard stance in either direction which makes sense when you’re trying to win the Hispanic vote.


Neither candidate is perfect. Donald Trump took a woman furniture shopping and moved on her like a bitch. He grabs women by the pussy and he may or may not be a real-life James Bond villain. He has zero political experience which many people rave as a good quality. Finally, someone who isn’t a politician. That’s like needing to get your car engine repaired and taking it to someone who has never seen a fucking car before. Experience matters.

Hillary Clinton is a power hungry savage and she’s the least relatable candidate, I don’t know, ever? She has the personality of a desert and I don’t trust her around a computer. It’s crazy that we allow these old people to use emails. Although the FBI has cleared her of all email wrongdoing, there are still some shades of Richard Nixon in this woman that just rubs me the wrong way. Wouldn’t be shocked if there was a Watergate-esque crime committed during the Clinton administration.

At the end of the day, you’re not even really voting for the president. You’re voting for their crew. No person knows everything about foreign affairs, economics, energy and science. You’re electing someone based off of who they will surround themselves in the White House.

George Bush had a crew of assholes who just wanted to blow up the Middle East. Who will Trump surround himself with? Scott Baio?

I don’t know who you should vote for and I guess I don’t really care. Just wanted to give you facts that weren’t from your one ‘deplorable’ friend on Facebook who thinks HillaryClinton is going to take away guns and let Mexicans rape your Tinder matches.

Everyone vote and shit.



Thanks for reading. Tweet to @TheLesterLee if you want to get into an argument about politics even though I didn’t favor any candidate. Also, go ahead and throw Deadseriousness a Like on Facebook so that I can keep the lights on around here.



Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

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