Why The Fuck Are There Still Kickers in the NFL?

Last Sunday was a historically bad weekend for NFL kickers as it seemed like almost every game was decided by a crucial shanked field goal attempt by a guy whose sole job is to kick it through a 20-foot wide goal post for 3 points.

The Minnesota Vikings TRADED UP to draft Daniel Carlson last April and the newly unemployed loser[1. that’s harsh but in my defense, he is a loser so yea.] missed every single kick. The Vikings should’ve beat the Green Bay Packers and Carlson was on a one-man mission to ensure that the game ended in a tie.

Cleveland Browns kicker, Zane Gonzalez, missed 8 points worth of kicks over the course of a very winnable game against the New Orleans Saints. The Browns lost by 3. If only Zane Gonzalez could, ya know, do his job.


But someone please explain to me why kickers even exist.

Let’s talk about kickoffs, the most dangerous and pointless play in sports. The NFL pretended to try to fix the kickoff concussion problem by moving the placement of the kick closer that way more kickoffs land in the end zone resulting in a touchback.

Sooo, why not just start each possession after a touchdown on your own 20-yard line if it’s automatically going to be a touchback anyway?

Plus, the players on the kickoff team don’t know if it’s going to be a touchback or not so all those players still have to run full speed helmet first into each other regardless. No one is safer. Now they’re just slamming into each other for a touchback. it’s dangerous for no reason.

Fuck punting. There is no more miserable feeling than seeing your favorite team’s punt squad job onto the field after a failure to convert on third down. It slows the game down completely and adds to the fact that there is so little actual action in a football game.

Every team gets 4 downs. If you can’t convert. That’s a turnover on downs and the other team gets the ball where you left off. Now all of a sudden teams are taking more chances and teams are getting the ball in great field position.

Touchdowns for everyone.

But most importantly, why are games won or loss by kicking. For the entire drive, a team is running the ball and throwing it through the air and then they get to the 30-yard line and some little man with no particular skills or outstanding athletic talents goes out there and kicks the ball.

People complain about the Closer in Major League Baseball. All they do is come in and pitch the 9th innings like, three times a week tops and then collect pretty fat paychecks. Batters play daily. Starting pitchers pitch for a majority of the game and then the closer comes in just to get the last three outs.


Imagine if it’s the bottom of the 9th and your team is up 3-1 but the only way you were allowed to win the game was to bring out a basketball hoop for Blake Griffin and Vince Carter to have a dunk contest to decide who wins the game.

I know the sport is called ‘football’. 1. It shouldn’t. 2. Kicking has nothing to do with any other aspect of the game. In fact, it’s a completely different sport and it’s inclusion in football at the most pivotal moments of the game is absurd and bad and the worst.

Get kickers out of football asap.




Thanks for reading. Tweet to @TheLesterLee and join me in boycotting kicking in the NFL. Also, go ahead and throw Deadseriousness a Like on Facebook so that I can keep the lights on around here at HQ.


Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

E-mail to talk directly about all Deadseriousness related stuff or if you just want to talk about like, the Yankees or Marvel comics or whatever.

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