I’m sure you’ve heard at this point about former San Francisco 49er Reuben Foster recently getting arrested for even more allegations of domestic violence than he already had, which led to San Francisco releasing him from his contract.
Don’t worry, he’s already found a new job, so everything’s fine.
It did make me begin to wonder though; why are all of the athletes with the title of a sandwich instead of a name getting arrested for being consistently sh*tty people.
After all, just last week I already mentioned the many misdeeds of former “Jail Blazers” defensive ace Ruben Patterson in the story about Ha Seung-Jin hitting his teammate with a wooden pole.
Except that wasn’t even the whole of it. Aside from attempting to rape his nanny and abusing his wife, he also assaulted a random guy for scratching his car door, was re-arrested for failing to register as a sex offender, and also picked up a DUI arrest with a .117 blood alcohol content.
Reuben Droughns also was pulled over and arrested for drunk driving back when he was a member of the Cleveland Browns.
Portuguese-Cape Verdean soccer star Rúben Semedo was arrested earlier this year, and was charged with a total of kidnapping, multiple assault charges, robbery, and even attempted murder between two separate incidents.
Rubin Carter, perhaps better known as “The Hurricane”, actually received a life sentence and spent 19 years in prison too. His case is quite well-known, having been found guilty for a triple-homicide with approximately zero evidence. He’s widely seen as wrongfully convicted, and even became executive director of the Association in Defence of the Wrongly Convicted after his release.
So, again, let me pose my question to you: Why do all these athletes named after a reuben sandwich keep getting arrested; sometimes even when they’re not actually guilty?
I’m sure someone’s going to try to tell me their names actually have nothing to do with sandwiches. That they’re actually named after the biblical character.
But I find that extremely unlikely. Reuben, the biblical character, slept with his mother’s maid and got his birthright taken away from him for it. Reuben, the sandwich, has done nothing of the sort.
I suspect it’s revenge on the part of the Germans. They’re angry at us for calling them Krauts 75 years ago, and have decided it’s time to fight back.
This time, with the Russians on their side, and even getting the Swiss to play along.
I’m telling you, this is the beginning of the Third World War. The first frontier, if you will.
The Germans are taking back their Sauerkraut, the Russians are taking back their dressing, and the Swiss are taking back their cheese.
These are very serious times.
And it makes all the sense in the world that their first target would be everyone associated with the Reuben sandwich.
Thanks for reading. Tweet at @_SunsOfThunder_ if you’re a Reuben/Ruben who is now fearing that the Germans are coming to get you. Also, go ahead and throw Deadseriousness a Like on Facebook so that I can keep the lights on around here at HQ.