Jessica Jones season 2 has come and gone and a bajillion hours later, I’ve finally finished it. New Rule: no Netflix show is allowed to be 13 episodes long anymore. The Defenders being 8 episodes long was the secret formula and even that felt like, 2 episodes too long.
There were a lot of moving parts in season 2. The show had some heavy lifting to do when they decided to end the first season by brutally murdering the main villain. Jessica Jones isn’t much of a fighter like Daredevil and isn’t bulletproof like Luke Cage, plus she can rip someone arms out of their sockets, so I imagine it’s tough to give her a compelling adversary that will be a believable challenge to her.
So before I award the winner of season 2, I have to point out some of the losers including Alisa, the worst mother of all time.
The first time you meet her, she’s beating the shit out of Jessica Jones and proceeds to punch Jessica in the face seemingly every other episode. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to feel sympathetic for this woman or just confused by her wig.
She bought the wig from the same store that Patsy used to purchase her old redhead wig so you know it’s an expensive shop. Why does it look like Alisa scalped a homeless woman and just wore her dislodged skull on her head like a hobo crown?
I know nothing about parental counseling but I feel like if you are attempting to reconnect with your daughter, perhaps it’s a bad idea to smash her boyfriend’s brain into dust. But again, I’m no expert. Alisa suuuuucked.
I can’t help but declare Trish Walker as the biggest loser here.
There is nothing Trish Walker loves more than getting high and making Jessica Jones feel guilty about some shit. I will say, it was hilarious how badly Trish wanted to pull a gun out and shoot anyone. I was all in on Trish high as fuck and trigger happy.
But her sudden desperation to be Jessica or a better version of Jessica seemed just that: sudden. One second, there’s a flashback of her blowing a dude for coke and the next second, she’s getting spine surgeries from part-time scientists in empty warehouses.
Shout out to Patsy for rolling out of a hospital bed in the Upper West side and running to Westchester on foot in order to kill Jessica’s mom before the cops, who were already in Westchester, could have the opportunity.
Can’t wait for the 13 episode Hellcat series that I won’t watch.
Jeri Hogarth is going to die and got scammed out of everything she owned.
Sure, she had a fun little coke orgy with a bunch of daywalkers but yea, I don’t need to explain this L. She also willingly agreed to continue working for Danny Rand, the most annoying little bitch in this Marvel Netflix Universe. Hold that L, Trinity.
I feel like I should probably talk about Jessica Jones at some point. She 1000% did not win this season. She lost her mom, her sister and now she’s playing step-mom to that kid Vido, who sucks.
Also, she killed that dude and staged his suicide. I’ll be totally honest, that’s not great.
Whenever Jessica Jones walks into her apartment there’s a 99.99999999999999999999999999999999% chance that someone broke in like 6 minutes earlier
— Lester, The Writer (@TheLesterLee) March 9, 2018
So who won Jessica Jones season 2?
My boy Malcolm ouuuuut here slinging that D all across the west side laying gal after gal to the point he doesn’t even know their names. He can’t even discern faces. All he knows is vag.
Sure, Patsy stuffed him in a trunk and effectively kidnapped him and broke his heart but like, he still hit that. Whenever it doesn’t work out with a girl I have to take a step back and think ‘well at least she let me touch her butt’ and that helps me get through the pain of rejection. Malcolm got to touch the butt and I know girls like Trish Walker, my man Malcolm was for sure all the way in that butt. Todah.
Oh, and he’s now working for Hogarth in his fresh fit and new haircut? Yea, Malcolm won Jessica Jones season 2 and it wasn’t even close. As I write this, Malcolm is getting dome from some broad he met on Bumble while Jessica Jones’s apartment is being broken into down the hall.