Every week on the Bachelor, there is one clear cut participant who stood head and shoulders above everyone else. You know you’ve won the episode when the other girls in the house whose names we haven’t even learned yet, are talking shit about you when you leave the room.
Episode 2 had a woman step up and plant her flag as the main threat but let’s run through a few of the honorable mentions:
Colton is one of the more interesting bachelor’s because he comes with his own little schtick of being a virgin that is a constant talk of conversation. I’m still camp ‘Colton is lying’ but as far as dating goes I’m camp ‘lie all the time’.
But Colton is out here hanging out with Billy on the Street and Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally. Who cares about those robot girls back at the house. If I’m Colton, I just chill with the comedians who actually have personalities because most of these girls lack, how do you say, ideas.
Oh, he also casually made out with 6 girls over the course of this episode. I know virgins. They aren’t making out 6 girls in a week. They’re on their phones pretending to text whenever a girl is in their line of sight. Smells fishy, COLTON.
Nicole. Babygirl. Future social media coordinator of Deadseriousness. You good? Everything alright at home? How long do you think she was going back and forth between saying ‘I want to marry. Haha I’m just kidding. No but seriously it would be amazing. But haha nope jokes. No but like I love’ before the Bachelor producers were like ‘uh, we gotta go interview the other girls. You uh…done?…’
So far all Onyeka has done is blow a whistle to disrupt a conversation last week and blow an airhorn to make the same ‘I was horny’ joke over and over again this week and somehow she keeps getting roses.
I don’t even think she’s spoken to Colton once yet. She’s too busy digging through her big bag of props and puns. I don’t even think she’s into Colton and I respect her just hanging out in a mansion, sipping on champagne and working on becoming the next Carrot Top. Can’t knock the hustle.
I don’t know if Hannah B. is nervous or if she has Aspergers but either way, she doesn’t seem to know um, words. Fun fact: this episode would’ve been 30 minutes long but it took Hannah 90 minutes to finish her conversations with Colton.
This season was shot months ago and Hannah B. is still thinking of a response to Colton asking ‘how are you?’.
But enough about Hannah B’s IQ, or lack thereof, we all know who the winner is right? My future bae. My future ex-wife. The number one suspect in my future murder.
Demi won episode 2 and it wasn’t particularly close. You know you won the episode when another girl has a nervous breakdown because you’re such a predator and she is so clearly the prey.
Tracey was in tears during the rose ceremony because she thought she was going home after Demi interrupted her one-on-one in just a robe. Absolute domination.
Demi looks like she’s a 16 year old runaway and acts like she’s a 16 year old runaway and she’s in everyone’s heads. All those girls went to bed that night thinking about Demi. Except for Hannah B. She doesn’t dream. She doesn’t sleep. She just stares at the walls all night and waits for the sunrise.
Thoughts and prayers to every girl in that house. They’re all playing chess. Demi doesn’t understand chess. She’s playing checkers. It’s genius.