Over the weekend I went out with a friend for a casual libation or two or twelve. When seated, my friend and I decided we would order the sampler platter as opposed to individual appetizers because it’s cheaper than ordering individual appetizers and I am a poor writer. It’s also easier to share but yea, the poor thing.
Suffice to say, I was unsatisfied with my order otherwise, ya know, I wouldn’t be writing this article duh.
I think it’s important to point out what doesn’t belong in a sampler platter and right away I am adamantly against vegetables. Just because you fry them doesn’t mean you have rid them of their vegetable-ness. If I wanted vitamins, I wouldn’t be ordering the sampler platter. I’d be in an entirely different location. Sober too.
The only group more powerful than the tobacco lobby and the gun lobby is Big Pickle as they managed to stuff pickles on every burger for absolutely no reason and now they’ve found themselves in the deep fryer ruining sampler platters. Maybe let’s stop including a food that people frequently remove from their sandwiches. Don’t care if it’s fried.
It’s also important to point out that if I’m ordering the sampler platter it’s because I want a shitload of food to share with the table. It’s also safe to assume that we’re not also ordering entrees so the platter should be substantial.
Chips and dip, you’re fucking out of here. Please remove your old stale chips from my line of sight. You’re ruining my night out.
So which foods belong in a sampler platter?
- Mozzarella sticks: Mozzarella sticks are a Top 3 appetizer but unfortunately they never give you more than like 6. Like they’re saving rations in the back. Cheese is a crucial part of the platter. You need to be eating foods that are going to destroy your stomach the next morning.
- Potato skins/Tater Tots: Need potatoes in there to fill you up.
- Mini quesadilla: You have to add some other cultures into the platter. Need something south of the border to add some substance to the platter that’s going to strangle your heart into submission.
- Buffalo wings/Chicken tenders: There needs to be chicken in every platter. It should be American law. I will vote for any candidate that runs on this platform. All Biden has to do is say that he’ll make chicken a part of every sampler platter and he’d sweep all 50 states. But there probably won’t be an election because Trump is going to die by the time you read this.