At the end of the day, we all want to find that special someone that we can share all of our hopes and dreams with. We also want that same special someone to be a person who will let us touch their butts whenever we want.
But before you get to free 24/7 access to butt touching, you have to overcome the dreaded first date. A lot can go wrong and a lot go can right but we are all chasing that perfect first date.
That date we can tell the story about at our wedding rehearsal dinner. That perfect first date where you get a phone call from your usual Friday night drunk hump but you ignore it because you’re so focused on the person sitting across from you.
But what is the perfect first date?
Let’s start with the location. Ideally, you want them over your house/apartment/dorm so that if that sexual spark is ignited, you save money on an uber back to your place. You’re already near a bed for when the butt touching gets going.
If they agree to come over for the first date instead of actually going out then chances are they are down to hump anyway so you don’t need to put that much effort in when they arrive. Throw on Netflix and don’t even explain why you’re still using your ex’s account. Doesn’t matter. You two both know what this ‘date’ is about. Throw on Narcos and start petting each other.
Okay, let’s say that the person you’re attempting to swoon doesn’t want to spend the first date in your gross ass room. It happens. Some people care about themselves. It sucks but you can still squeeze a perfect first date out of this situation.
Take this person out for drinks. A lot of people say dinner. Dinner is dumb. Your date will look at you crooked once you order that 3rd and 4th glass of wine at dinner. At the bar, it would be strange if you didn’t have that 3rd and 4th glass. *taps temple* think about it.
Oh, and don’t go for coffee on a first date unless your goal is to become business partners and/or siblings.
A lot of people get nervous about the conversation. What do you say to potential bae to make them fall for you? Talk. About. Yourself. Don’t ask any questions. Time is limited.
Make sure they know everything about you and how much money you make. Everyone loves a person that brags. If you don’t talk about how great you are, who will? Oh, and constantly check in, let’s say every 10 minutes, and ask ‘do you like me?’. Works every time.
New watch? Roll your sleeves up to your neck. Did it take you hours to do your makeup? Do not stop bringing it up. But here is the one thing you need to make sure you spend at least 30 minutes discussing: your ex.
It is SO important to give a full timeline of your relationship from that first date to how it ended. Talk about how good or bad the sex was. Oh, you have to throw around the word ‘crazy’ when discussing your ex and do not in anyway take responsibility for your role in that relationship not working out. It was all their fault and the person you’re on this first date with needs to believe and understand this.
Now how does the perfect first date end?
Many people believe it ends with sex but if you read earlier, the perfect first date begins with sex. If you two decide to forego that then you certainly can’t do it at the end of the night. It’s like having scrambled eggs for dinner. It’s weird and you’re weird. Sex at the beginning or none at all.
No, the perfect first date ends with you taking their phone when they go to the bathroom and deleting all dating apps off of their phone. They are seeing someone now. You can’t have interlopers hitting up your bae’s phone all day when they should be busy thinking about what gifts they’re going to buy you.
Make sure before you two part ways that you have a written contract with two signatures that says there will be a second date. None of that ‘verbal’ commitment bullshit. Get it on wax and when the ink dries, you know you just had the perfect first date and the next step is marriage.
Some quick Go-To’s to make them fall for you:
- Talk about Donald Trump often
- It is very cool to talk about Zodiac signs. “You are such an Aquarius” is a super cool and fun thing to say upon finding out that they’re an Aquarius.
- The second they sit down, tell them how much money you are willing to spend. Not a penny more.
- Check out other hot people in the room. Jealousy is the key to love.
- Be an open book. Tell them all about your drama, trauma and misery. Sharing is caring.
- Cum first and go to bed.
You just had a perfect first date. You’re welcome.