What Evil Shit is South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem Up To?

Ah, South Dakota. My home away from home. The land of the chislic, a food that I’m still 98% sure is just a prank on non-SD natives. The birth place of January Jones, the star of 2011 hit film Unknown.

And governed by Kristi Noem, a woman who is so transparently aligning herself with Donald Trump during this Coronavirus pandemic in a way that will almost certainly kill hundreds of thousands of South Dakota residents but will also propel her to a big political future and that’s all that matters.

South Dakota is one of the few states that have refused to shut down and force residents to stay-home in order to flatten the curve and stop the spread of the plague which probably would’ve gone under the radar if one of the biggest pork plants in America wasn’t located in Sioux Falls and hadn’t infected HUNDREDS of employees working.

This is literally the opposite of flattening the curve. Because Kristi Noem doesn’t take Coronavirus seriously, there’s a good chance her state is sending out poison meat across the country. Doesn’t matter how safe the rest of us are being if someone death sneezed on your grocery store meat.

Fun fact: the pork plant infection was the single largest cluster of cases in the US. Awesome.

South Dakota is still open.

Here she is directly begging Trump for attention by saying she supports his bullshit drug hydroxychloroquine.

This is the most blatant ‘pick me’ shit I’ve ever seen. You might as well comment under Justin Bieber’s next Instagram post and ask for a birthday shout out, you worm.

Just a quick reminder: Coronavirus cases in South Dakota have spiked 205%. TWO. HUN.DRED. FIVE. PERCENT. But still no stay at home order.

She has spent the last two weeks doing interviews with various fox news hosts all praising her for ignoring a lethal pandemic because human rights or whatever. Yes, we all have the right to be sacrificed by our governors in order to maintain an economy that did not favor us to begin with.

Congress recently sent states money for Corona relief including $1.25 to the state of South Dakota. Here is Kristi fucking Noem complaining about it:

“Congress did send South Dakota $1.25 billion to us, but they tied our hands on how we can spend it. The only way I can spend this money is on Covid relief. I can’t spend it to replace revenues. I can’t spend it to make up some of the difference that we’re seeing from our economy stalling and people not out shopping and participating in adding some sales tax revenue to our state budget or to our local city and local government budgets as well.”

First of all, fuck Congress. This isn’t where I suddenly defend our nation’s lazy leaders. I, too, would be skeptical of anything they give me. Except for that Stimulus Check. Send that shit ASAP.

But you know who I trust even less than Congress? Kristi Noem. How exactly was she planning on spending that $1.25 million if there weren’t restrictions that it had to specifically go to COVID-19 relief?

When she says she can’t spend it to make up the difference that we’re seeing from our economy stalling, what do you think that means? Do you think that money would go into the pockets of the people who would be spending that money? Or into the pockets of the big business owners who don’t need it? Trick question: The latter. Duh.

If you’re not going to force people to stay home, the LEAST you can do is use that relief money to provide citizens with PPE, fund the creation of more test kits, expand testing and patient treatment areas and pay essential workers more money.

Orrrr do your makeup for 35 minutes, put in gigantic hoop earrings and publicly complain in hopes that Donald Trump sees you and you can grift your way into more power and influence over people you clearly do not care live or die.

So thank you to all of the governors like Kristi ‘with an I’ and Andrew Cuomo for using this pandemic as an opportunity to catapult themselves into the center of the national conversation and improve their own draft stock instead of actually focusing on helping the people who elected them.

Thank you to all of the right wing assholes who are pretending like their civil liberties are being stripped from them because they can’t go to Denny’s this weekend and spill eggs all over their laps.

I can take one look at Kristi Noem and recognize that of course she wants to keep hair and nail salons open. Everyone is going to die and it’s her fault but at least she doesn’t have any split ends *finger painting emoji* *coffin emoji*




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Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

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