The world is lowkey ending.
There is a global pandemic killing thousands of people across the planet. Entire countries have shut down. America is closing schools, restaurants but most importantly, ALL SPORTS.
This is unprecedented. We are staring into the apocalypse.
Everyone is getting sick while Donald Trump folds his tiny little arms over his obese frame as he pretends like nothing is happening. There aren’t nearly enough tests to determine if we’re carrying the illness and a vaccine has yet to be created.
It’s hell outside.
We need sports now more than ever. We were weeks away from the NBA playoffs. We were weeks away from MLB’s opening day. Guys, it’s March Madness. All canceled or postponed with no set dates to return.
No hockey. No tennis. No golf. NO NASCAR. Sports just like, do not exist anymore. I don’t even know what that means. I didn’t know that was a possibility.
Right now, the only sports we have in NFL free agency news and that’ll die out by the end of the week. ESPN will have to hire a camera crew everywhere Stephen A. Smith goes for full 24/7 access of his life to air over the weekend.
So what now?
What do we do without sports?
It’s not even as if we can go to work or to school to take distract ourselves from the fact that there is literally a virus that is killing thousands of people and absolutely devouring Italy and China.
Now we’re stuck thinking about the fact that the American COVID-19 stats are low because the only people who can get tested are NBA players and people in Ted Cruz’s line of sight.
If no one can leave the house then businesses are going to end. Your favorite bar can’t exist without you stumbling in there after midnight and ordering shots for everyone.
I hope you all enjoyed your last Marvel movie because movie theatres have about one week left before those doors are closed. They can’t even make new Marvel movies because we’ve been advised to stay out of crowds larger than 10 people. There are at least 12 actors in every Avengers scene.
Meanwhile, the government is funneling trillions of dollars back into Wall Street and to the banks so as we’re all starving, the billionaire welfare queens continue to get income that they will hoard from us as they’ve been doing for the last 40 years.
The two hours I watch the Knicks get blown out every other night is therapeutic. Getting mad at Julius Randle spinning into double teams and then just throwing the ball behind backcourt is the only thing keeping me from burning down the White House or Google HQ.
No one knows when live sports will return.
We have months before MLB even thinks about scheduling Opening Day. There’s a Democratic primary in which one candidate is on his hands and knees begging to give us free health care and increase our wages and cancel student loan debt, ya know, the three things Americans need during this pandemic and beyond.
There’s another candidate who promised he’d veto universal health care if it ever reached his desk. A man who fought harder to invade Iraq than George Bush. A man who dedicated his career to destroying black families by arresting as many brown people as he could fit in jail and then passing more bills to make bigger prisons.
The latter candidate is winning in a landslide.
We are on the precipe of all-out chaos in the streets. We all think Coronavirus is no big deal until the appropriate amount of test kits are distributed and we realize either we have it or someone we care about it does and the whole ‘it’s just the flu’ nonsense turns into hysteria.
I need Aaron Judge home runs. I need Ben Simmons refusing to shoot 3’s. I need to watch Tua Tagovailoa throwing passes on an empty local high school football field which will probably still happen regardless but, ya know, minus the spectre of death in the air.
Everything is awful. If you need me I’ll be quarantined in bed watching highlights of Derek Jeter turn double plays while no one texts me which is what I’d be doing with or without COVID-19, I suppose.