Conceptually, Westworld is a decent show and the first season was a fun gradual ride as we saw these robots slowly become self-aware and the season ended with Dolores murdering Anthony Hopkins’s character and Ed Harris’s ‘Man in Black’ finally getting shot with real bullets which is a thing he had always wanted apparently.
Would’ve been a great one-off show but nope, we were presented with a second season that muddled down by confusing meaninglessly vague dialogue, plot twists for the sake of plot twists and more questions being presented than being answered.
But I don’t want to talk about the second season or I’ll scream. Let’s just jump to the Season 3 premiere, Parce Domine, that now takes place in the real world outside of the park as Dolores is attempting to kill all the rich people that raped her or she’s trying to just steal information so she can make more robots? I have no idea what the plan is here but I’m sure I’ll find out in a season 5 flashback.
We are introduced to Aaron Paul’s new character, Caleb, who is a war veteran just trying to get by in this crazy world working a shitty 9-to-5 and getting his side hustle on thanks to futuristic iPhone apps that help you set up crimes with hot young locals.
“Make money, motherfuckers”. Word.
One of those criminals of course being Marshawn Lynch who I’d like to imagine isn’t actually playing a character but is in fact former NFL running back Marshawn Lynch doing whatever drug makes one ‘drip’ and wearing shirts with glow in the dark words.
We’ll get back to Marshawn because he’s the only character worth caring about this year.
Bernard is alive and still mumbling nonsense to himself. Remember the big reveal that Bernard was actually Anthony Hopkins’s old partner, Arnold? And then season 2 revealed that all the diagnostic tests between Dolores and Bernard were actually in the past between Dolores and Arnold or it was actually Bernard or I don’t know because this show doesn’t explain shit or over explains or has stupid twists that add nothing to the plot but instead take away from the narrative completely.
So yea anyway, Bernard is a butcher or whatever just hanging out off the grid making sure his mind isn’t being altered and trying not to kill anyone and that lasts almost one full episode before his identity is revealed as the guy who murdered a bunch of Delos people and there’s a reward for his head. Naturally, he flips the switch on them and brutally kills them, as one does.
I’ll be honest, I don’t give a shit about Bernard. I don’t understand his role here but if he’s bringing us to Maeve then carry on.
Back to Aaron Paul who is participating in some sort of veteran’s PTSD program where he has faux-phone convos with his dead army friend, Kid Cudi, before he gives up at the end and decides to move forward with his life and meet friends in real life. So of course his quest for ‘real’ people leads him to Dolores, a robot.
Get it? It’s ironic. Westworld, babyyyyy. Parce Domine, bitch.
Let’s get back to the only part of the episode that mattered: Marshawn Lynch.
On one hand, I’m happy to see Beast Mode make his acting debut on an HBO show that people seem to like for reasons that I cannot comprehend.
On the other hand, I can’t help but think none of this would’ve happened if Pete Carroll just handed the ball off to Marshawn Lynch in Super Bowl XLIX instead of throwing on the goal line that led to an interception directly into Malcolm Butler’s hands.
In about six minutes of screen time, Marshawn proved he can carry an entire team. I think my man could’ve carried the ball one yard to win a Super Bowl. The Seahawks have to fire Pete Carroll after watching Parce Domine last weekend.
Also, if you will allow me to be suuuuper cynical, running backs only have so many hits in their body. Perhaps that one extra carry could’ve prevented that scene where he had to punch that naked dude in the face.
Who won Parce Domine?
Dolores, I suppose. If we’re counting wins by body counts then Dolores did her thing. Again, not totally sure what her plan is but maybe she’ll grow a soft spot for humanity when she realizes most humans are struggling with mental and financial issues like Caleb and we’re not all weirdos spending our vacations raping cowgirl robots over and over again.
Whatever. I hate this show.