We Must Protect The Hot Pockets Heiress At All Costs

Meet Michelle Janvas, the Hot Pockets Princess who is the newest rich goddess trapped in the spider’s web of college admissions scandal that continues to swallow up our best and brightest women like Felicity Huffman and Aunt Becky.

Ms. Janvas is the daughter of Paul Merage, the brilliant alchemist that gifted our planet with Hot Pockets back in 1983 and sold his food manufacturing company to Nestle in 2002 for a smooth $2.6 billion.

Michelle Janvas will be sentenced for paying $300,000 to get her two daughters into college which paid for one daughter to get her ACT scores a little makeover and for the other daughter to be given a faux beach volleyball scholarship and it’s important to point out that any school that hands out beach volleyball scholarships is the type of school you can only get into if your parents pay $300,000 to get you in.

Not sure why the cops suddenly care about parents paying for their students to get into prestigious schools by faking transcripts instead of the typical way of donating to the school’s library or whatever. Why does one method have honor and the other is a scandal? If anything, the parents who are going out of their way to fudge test scores are putting far more effort than the asshole deadbeat absent parents that write a ‘donation’ check to sneak their brats in regardless of how awful their grades are.

Prosecutors are looking to give my girl 21 months in prison for fraud and money laundering.

Absolute bullshit.

Hot pockets have brought so much joy to those of us who have no idea how to use a stove or cook in any form or fashion.

Those of us whose hangovers are so bad that we can’t consume full meals without vomiting and all our stomachs can digest is a brick of breaded ham and cheese.

Hot pockets are for those of use who just realized we’ve been spending way too much at lunch but we don’t actually don’t feel like preparing anything the night before and we don’t wake up early enough in the morning so we reach in our freezer and snatch up a rectangular pepperoni cake.

And now the feds did a sweep to take our Hot Pockets heiress to Guantanamo bay or some shit.

Nah, fuck the police. Free Michelle Janvas.









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Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

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