Understanding The Philadelphia 76ers Borderline Sexual Obsession With Big Men

Apparently, size does matter

The 2019 NBA Trade Deadline has come and gone. The dust has settled and as the Sixers roster currently stands, there are 3 guards in their rotation excluding Ben Simmons.

There are only 3 players on their roster shorter than 6’6, JJ Redick, TJ McConnell and Zhaire Smith who took one step inside of the Sixers facility and ended up catching their annual first round draft pick season ending injury, as is tradition.

This season, Philadelphia has acquired Jimmy Butler, Tobias Harris, Mike Scott, Boban Marjanovich, Justin Patton and James Ennis. A team that entered the season with the only true point guard on their roster being TJ McConnell, spent all year doubling down on more big men and wing players.

If you were to teach a ‘team building 101’ course at the local university, the 2018-19 Philadelphia 76ers would be the antithesis of all of your lesson plans.

‘Positionless basketball’ is a phrase that gets thrown around left and right these days and with the way most defenses are built around switching and most offenses are run through the pick and roll, yes, set positions are a thing of the past. Gone are the days where you needed to definitive small forward and a definitive power forward.

But the Sixers have taken it to the extreme to the point where they are fetishizing players over 6’6. Somewhere in the world, new GM Elton Brand, is licking his lips and prepping the lotion as he watches highlights of Tobias Harris and Ben Simmons running a two-man fastbreak with Joel Embiid trailing.

The Philadelphia 76ers are the ultimate size queens. The bigger the better. They can take it. Big Dick Energy isn’t so much of a concept to the Sixers as much as it is a requirement.

I’ve totally dated girls like this. I didn’t stand a chance. Now I understand how Markelle Fultz felt playing there. Philadelphia didn’t want him from day one. Fultz was like ‘it’s all about the motion of the ocean’ and Philadelphia was like ‘omg Jonathan Simmons is 6’6 thoooo *water drop emoji*’

I hope everything works out for the Philadelphia 76ers. Risky move to have only two guards on your team especially when both of those guards are caucasian. JJ Redick steps up to defend Kemba Walker and all he sees is a T-Bone steak. TJ McConnell is a Thanksgiving feast for Kyrie Irving.

But they’re so damn big. Elton Brand, you so nastyyyy.




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Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

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