With the world coming to an end due to an infectious disease that literally everyone with power knew about and allowed to happen with zero precautions or warnings, it’s impossible to not go full conspiracy theory brain about the whole ordeal.
It seems like every time I scroll through Twitter, there is a new report about a corporation donating thousands of face masks to cities and hospitals. And on the surface that is a good thing. We need to prevent the spread of COVID-19 and breathing through face masks is going to be crucial for the next few months.
Facebook donated 720,000 face masks. Goldman Sachs donated 100,000. Apple donated a casual 9 MILLION face masks.
But these companies didn’t purchase a shitload of masks and then send them out into the world. They already had them. Am I the only one that thinks that’s weird as shit? What do these tech companies know that we don’t? What are they preparing for?
A non-cynical answer is that these west coast companies were legally required to have face masks for all of their employees during the 2018 California wildfires.
That’s a really cute excuse. As long as you don’t think about the fact that Apple doesn’t have 9 fucking million employees working in their Cupertino office. Also real quick, fuck Apple for always including Cupertino weather and time on my iPhone. We get it. It’s sunny there.
There are some conspiracy theories out there doing the rounds that say Bill Gates not only knew that Coronavirus was coming but perhaps initiated the crisis and that’s why he stepped down from Microsoft the week Corona started to really spread.
That is dumb. Bill wants you to by Xbox’s and shit. He’s not killing his customers.
But after last week’s story about Senator Kelly Loeffler using insider trading info to invest in work from home software and make millions off the death of thousands, it’s safe to say that these corporations are somehow finding new ways to exploit our pain for their own profits.
So until we see how they’re bending us over a barrel, they’re attempting to get ahead of the PR machine by giving away the millions of face masks they just have lying around in case of emergency.
A slightly less cynical guess is that all of these major corporations are run by apocalypse-obsessed sociopaths who only acquired millions in a desperate quest to live forever and be remembered for generations when in actuality no one gives a shit about the Goldman Sachs CEO—notice I did not care to even search his name—and if Mark Zuckerberg died from hellfire raining from the skies, we would all universally make fun of him and not one single person would feel bad but thanks for the face masks or whatever.
Elon Musk is a corny narcissist who thinks he’s going to save humanity by shooting us individually to Mars one-by-one in a t-shirt cannon. Or course he had 250,000 extra face masks to donate. He needs the world to end in order to maintain relevance.
Ultimately these donations are good. They are also coming from evil companies and from billionaires with ulterior motives.