The quarterback is the most important position in sports so in a way, this is the most important article I’ll write all year.
Ideally this would have been a Top 50 list but I’m not going to sit here on MY Sunday and pretend to have an opinion on Cody Kessler.
Disclaimer: the hardest part about making this list was determining where Andrew Luck should land. That, uh, sort of figured itself out.
40. CJ Beathard
2018 stats: 1,252 Yrds, 8 TDs, 7 INTs, 60.4% completions
CJ Beathard narrowly makes this list because someone had to. It was either Beathard or Colt McCoy and honestly, neither of them matter much. They’re both third string quarterbacks who can start and like, get some first downs, if need be. That is all to be said about CJ.
39. Dwyane Haskins
2018 stats: Rookie
A month ago I would’ve told you that Haskins was the steal of the draft falling to Washington after the Giants passed on him at No. 6 buuuut then the preseason happened and Haskins was overthrowing receivers and turning the ball over.
It’s highly possible that Haskins was simply in a better system when he broke every Big Ten passing record at Ohio State last season and I’m not sure if that’s a massive compliment to the infrastructure over at Ohio State or totally condemns Washington’s inability to gather talented football players at the professional level.
38. Josh Rosen
2018 stats: 2,278 Yrds, 11 TDs, 14 INTs, 55.2% completions
We probably should’ve realized Josh Rosen was trash prior to the draft when his former head coach at UCLA couldn’t even talk up his game. It didn’t help that he landed in Arizona, a team that didn’t field an offensive line or have a real head coach.
But now he’s in Miami and by all reports, he still stinks.
37. Kyler Muray
2018 stats: Rookie
Kyler Murray is better than Josh Rosen and it made all the sense in the world to bring in a new offensive-minded coaching staff to help mold the reigning Heisman Trophy winner.
Problem is, Kyler Murray is 4’10 and Khalil Mack is going to powerbomb him through the Earth’s crust. Andrew Luck is twice the size of Kyler and he couldn’t last a full season without his kidneys erupting. Kyler is about to be carried off on a cartoonly child sized stretcher before the Cardinals bye week.
36. Nick Foles
2018 stats: 1,413 Yrds, 7 TDs, 4 INTs, 72.3% completions
I wasn’t going to make a comment about Nick Foles not being that much better than Blake Bortles until I realized I didn’t even put Blake on this list. Thoughts and Prayers to the Bortles family.
35. Teddy Bridgewater
2018 stats: 118 Yrds, 1 TDs, 1 INTs, 60.9% completions
Teddy Bridgewater is probably good enough to be an NFL starter but we’ll never know because he’s decided to take an internship with the New Orleans Saints waiting for Drew Brees to retire so he can take over but Brees seems more than prepared to die on that field than give up a single snap to Bridgewater.
34. Jacoby Brissett
2018 stats: 2 Yrds, 50% completions
There are a lot of people unleashing their ‘hot take’ that the Indianapolis Colts are still Super Bowl contenders with Jacoby Brissett as QB1 instead of Andrew Luck because everyone wants to be different which ironically has made everyone the same.
33. Eli Manning
2018 stats: 4,299 Yrds, 21 TDs, 11 INTs, 66% completions
Eli Manning had the best season of his career in 2018 yet somehow I can’t help but believe that ranking him as the 33rd best quarterback in the NFL is way too high of a ranking.
How long do we keep blaming the offensive line, and the wide receivers, and the coaching staff, and the temperature in the locker room, and the traffic on the way to the stadium, before we just agree that Eli’s arm can no longer deliver the football further than 5 yards past the line of scrimmage and he is completely frightened by oncoming pass rush so instead of stepping up into his throws, he drops to the ground when a linebacker is in arm’s length of him.
32. Case Keenum
2018 stats: 3,890 Yrds, 18 TDs, 15 INTs, 62.3% completions
After almost leading the Minnesota Vikings to the Super Bowl in 2017, Case Keenum was given the keys to his own offense in Denver and revealed to the world thaaaat he’s better served as Sam Bradford’s backup as he spent most of the year leading the NFL in interceptions.
31. Nick Mullens
2018 stats: 2,277 Yrds, 13 TDs, 10 INTs, 64.2% completions
Jimmy Garappolo is one incomplete pass away from me starting a petition to make Nick Mullens the starting quarterback of the San Francisco 49ers. With another full season under his belt, he could master that Kyle Shanahan defense that Jimmy G can’t seem to wrap his tiny little brain around. Mullens 4 president.
30. Andy Dalton
2018 stats: 2,566 Yrds, 21 TDs, 11 INTs, 61.9% completions
This is basically Andy Dalton’s final year in Cincinnati to prove that he’s a franchise quarterback as all of the guaranteed money in his contract has been paid. He can be cut at any point and with a brand new coaching regime, it makes little sense for Zac Taylor, who was already a surprise hire, to place his own coaching career on the back of a guy who makes Jake Delhomme look like Aaron Rodgers.
29. Sam Darnold
2018 stats: 2,865 Yrds, 17 TDs, 15 INTs, 57.7% completions
This might be a low ranking for a guy that some are predicting will sneak his team into the postseason but this has less to do with Darnold and more to do with Adam Gase being a grifter and a fraud.
What did Gase do in Miami that proves he deserved to immediately get a fresh start in New York the same week he was fired? I don’t want to hear that he was the OC when Peyton broke the touchdown record. Do you think Peyton was living and dying by the expert teachings of Adam Gase? Or was he ignoring his awful playcalls and going out there and doing Peyton Manning things? Hint: it’s the second one.
28. Jameis Winston
2018 stats: 2,992 Yrds, 19 TDs, 14 INTs, 64.6% completions
Please explain to my how Bruce Arians is magically going to save Jameis Winston’s career? Is Bruce suddenly going to stop Winston from being disgusting when he’s alone with women? No? So yea, I give it about 4 months until there’s another story of Jameis cornering a woman in a Rite Aid bathroom or some shit.
(He also turns the ball over too much and he’s essentially fat Blake Bortles)
27. Ryan Tannehill
2018 stats: 1,979 Yrds, 17 TDs, 9 INTs, 64.2% completions
No one is going to benefit more from being a backup quarterback for two months than Ryan Tannehill. As a starter in Miami, every disappointing season that ended with him in a walking boot was always accompanied by a ‘man, just wait til next year when Tannehill’s healthy’.
One offseason as a backup and he’s already outperformed Marcus Mariota totally fooling NFL execs into forgetting how mediocre he’s been his entire career. Someone is going to throw first round picks at Tennessee for Ryan’s magic beans.
26. Joe Flacco
2018 stats: 2,465 Yrds, 12 TDs, 6 INTs, 61.2% completions
Joe Flacco’s mediocrity has gone under the radar for a majority of his career. He had a historic Super Bowl run that will probably go down as the greatest in NFL history only to get rewarded with a BAG and find his way to the bottom of every major statistical category amongst starting QBs year after year.
Busting your ass to get a raise and then putting in zero effort once you get what you want >>>> Wow, Flacco thinks he’s me.
25. Marcus Mariota
2018 stats: 2,528 Yrds, 11 TDs, 8 INTs, 68.9% completions
You hear a lot of stories about the way Mariota leads that locker room and how much those players respect him but they can’t love him that much when they let him get sacked 42 times in 14 games including a game where he completed 10 passes and was sacked 11 times.
Much like Tannehill coming in to steal his job, I believe Mariota would greatly benefit from a change of scenery. Perhaps a team with an offensive line?? Idk Idk.
24. Lamar Jackson
2018 stats: 1,201 Yrds, 6 TDs, 3 INTs, 58.2% completions
Lamar Jackson is the most exciting player in the NFL. Every time he snaps the ball in the shotgun formation, you are on the edge of your seat waiting to see what he’ll do next.
Sure, he can’t really the ball but aren’t you tired of all 32 teams trying to win the same exact way? Fuck that. Bring me the Baltimore Ravens running the ball 100 times a game and turning the clock back to the 40’s. Don’t tell Lamar about the invention of the forward pass.
23. Jimmy Garoppolo
2018 stats: 718 Yrds, 5 TDs, 3 INTs, 59.6% completions
Oh brother, Jimmy G STINKS during this preseason but I’m still slightly giving him the benefit of the doubt. He’s coming off a torn ACL and he hasn’t played football in almost a year and a third excuse that he doesn’t deserve.
22. Ryan Fitzpatrick
2018 stats: 2,366 Yrds, 17 TDs, 12 INTs, 66.7% completions
It took all of my strength to keep Fitzpatrick out of the Top 10. When Jameis was out installing Lyft on his phone, Fitzmagic was consistently putting up 400 yard performances and managed to resurrect DeSean Jackson from the dead.
Now he’s in Miami playing keep away from Josh Rosen. The Dolphins were supposed to tank 4 Tua this season but good luck trying to prevent Fitzmagic from throwing for 5,000 yards (while throwing 45 interceptions).
21. Derek Carr
2018 stats: 4,049 Yrds, 19 TDs, 10 INTs, 68.9% completions
Oh man, I cannot wait until this year reveals just how bad Derek Carr truly is. When Antonio Brown runs a deep route and the ball lands 15 yards short of him and AB runs to Instagram after the game to call Carr a bitch meanwhile Khalil Mack and Amari Cooper have the best seasons of their careers as Jon Gruden just collects massive direct deposits.
20. Kirk Cousins
2018 stats: 4,298 Yrds, 30 TDs, 10 INTs, 70.1% completions
Kirk Cousins is the KING of racking up meaningless stats that don’t matter. No one’s boxscore looks more impressive in the first three quarters of a football game than Cousins. But when the game’s on the line and the Vikings need to convert an important 3rd down, Kirk throws the ball away and settles for a punt.
19. Dak Prescott
2018 stats: 3,885 Yrds, 22 TDs, 8 INTs, 67,7% completions
Dak Prescott doesn’t have the arm accuracy to hit receivers down the field. He’s not athletic enough to scramble outside of the pocket and keep the defense honest. He is completely dependent on Ezekiel Elliot’s presence in the backfield in order to trick opposing secondaries with play actions.
But *eye roll* intangibles or whatever.
18. Mitch Trubisky
2018 stats: 3,223 Yrds, 24 TDs, 12 INTs, 66.6% completions
I’m actually way higher on Trubisky than this ranking shows and he might skyrocket up this list. By this time next year, I could see Trubisky sneaking into the Top 10.
Trubkisky is like if Jake Plummer played in the modern pass-first NFL instead of the early 2000’s when Mike Shanahan was finding local Denver construction workers and transforming them into 2,000 yard rushers.
17. Baker Mayfield
2018 stats: 3,725 Yrds, 27 TDs, 14 INTs, 63.8% completions
Okay so I uh *cough* didn’t realize Baker’s numbers were so great last season. I was about to write about crowing him the chosen one too soon and blah blah but he has Odell Beckham and Kareem Hunt now. Baker might fuck around and win the MVP.
16. Matty Stafford
2018 stats: 3,777 Yrds, 21 TDs, 11 INTs, 66.1% completions
There will always be a special place in my heart for Matty Stafford. He is one of the last truly great ‘close your eyes and chuck it. Fuck whatever happens’. Sometimes you’ll look like Brett Favre and most times you’ll look like Jay Cutler.
Stafford will go down as the best average quarterback in NFL history. He’s going to be in the Top 5 in every statistical category with like, one playoff win.
15. Alex Smith
2018 stats: 2,180 Yrds, 10 TDs, 5 INTs, 62.5% completions
15 seems fair. I don’t know. Who cares? Do you have Alex Smith takes? Cool. Keep them to yourselves.
14. Philip Rivers
2018 stats: 4,308 Yrds, 32 TDs, 12 INTs, 68.3% completions
I hate being the guy that pins winning and success exclusively on the shoulders of the QB, especially when it comes to Philip Rivers when year after year either his defense stinks or the Chargers have the worst special teams in the league. But man, tough to put Rivers in the Top 10 when after all these years, he hasn’t even sniffed a Super Bowl appearance.
13. Ben Roethlisberger
2018 stats: 5,129 Yrds, 34 TDs, 16 INTs, 67% completions
Big Ben led the league in passing yards last season. Dope. He also led the league in turnovers. Not so dope. He also had Antonio Brown bailing him out. Not anymore.
Don’t be shocked if the Steelers have their first losing season in forever. Putting all of your eggs in the Ben Roethlisberger basket at this point in his career is signing up for a 7-9 season especially with Baltimore and Cleveland just simply being better football clubs.
12. Carson Wentz
2018 stats: 3,074 Yrds, 21 TDs, 7 INTs, 69.6% completions
There are three young quarterbacks that’ll decide the shape of the league in the next decade: Patrick Mahomes, DeShaun Watson and Carson Wentz. The three of them will be swapping MVP trophies. Wentz’ combination of size and arm talent is nuts.
The problem is, we all said the same shit about Andrew Luck and now he’s watching football at the bar on Sundays with the rest of us. If Wentz is going to do the whole ‘get hurt every season’ thing then uh, ignore everything I just said about the next decade of dominance.
11. Tom Brady
2018 stats: 4,355 Yrds, 29 TDs, 11 INTs, 65.8% completions
We’ve talked about Tom Brady since the 1800’s. I’ve got nothing to add.
10. Matt Ryan
2018 stats: 4,924 Yrds, 35 TDs, 7 INTs, 69.4% completions
It’s wild that Matt Ryan won the MVP award in 2016 and has proceeded to have better statistical seasons every year since then only to be completely removed from conversations about the top quarterbacks in the league.
It’s even more wild that he’s a Top 10 QB and still only the third best in his own division. Thank gawd Jameis Winston sucks.
9. Cam Newton
2018 stats: 3,395 Yrds, 24 TDs, 13 INTs, 67.9% completions
Cam Newton scares me because he’s coming off serious shoulder surgery and claims to have a new throwing motion but no 30-year old who has coasted off their natural ability suddenly makes a massive change like that.
I’m [redacted] years old and if you promised me a million dollars if I stopped biting my nails for a week, you’d keep your million dollars but sure, Cam has a new throwing motion to protect his shoulder. Ok.
8. Jared Goff
2018 stats: 4,688 Yrds, 32 TDs, 12 INTs, 64.9% completions
Prior to last season, I predicted that Jared Goff would win the MVP award. Little did I know that Patrick Mahomes was created in a lab to throw touchdowns.
Good news for Goff: Cooper Kupp is back and their receiving corp is at full strength.
Bad news: Todd Gurley doesn’t have knees.
7. Russell Wilson
2018 stats: 3,448 Yrds, 35 TDs, 7 INTs, 65.6% completions
The Seahawks had a bit of a strange 2018 as they were sort of rebuilding on the fly yet they still finished 10-6 on the year and Russell Wilson did what Russell Wilson does best. He may never lead the league in passing attempts or yards but he’ll always finish at the top of the touchdown leaderboard.
I’m told that touchdowns win football games, not yards. If I’m going to penalize (mock) Julio Jones for his inability to catch the football in the endzone, I have to praise Wilson for constantly scoring.
6. Drew Brees
2018 stats: 3,992 Yrds, 32 TDs, 5 INTs, 74.4% completions
Drew Brees is really good at this. That is all.
5. Deshaun Watson
2018 stats: 4,165 Yrds, 26 TDs, 9 INTs, 68.3% completions
If I wasn’t writing this at 3am, this would turn into a 2,000 word thesis about Deshaun Watson revolutionizing the NFL but instead I’m going to just post the clip of one of the best NFL games I’ve ever watched:
4. Aaron Rodgers
2018 stats: 4,442 Yrds, 25 TDs, 2 INTs, 62.3% completions
Aaron Rodgers started the season with his big heroic Jesus resurrection moment on Monday Night football after the Chicago Bears defense and Khalil Mack snapped his legs and spent the remainder of the season limping through games and never looking totally right out there.
Now he has a new head coach he can throw under the bus the second something goes slightly wrong and that’s when Rodgers is at his best.
3. Patrick Mahomes
2018 stats: 5,097 Yrds, 50 TDs, 12 INTs, 66% completions
I was deciding whether or not I should be an NFL hipster and keep Mahomes out of the Top 5 because he hadn’t done it for multiples years or because Kareem Hunt was gone or some other bullshit but there’s truly no reason to believe he can’t throw 50 TDs again.
Mahomes’s only clear limitation is his terrible voice. He sounds like he eats fire and children.
2. Daniel Jones
2018 stats: Rookie
DANIEL JONES. DANNY DIMES. DANNY DEEP BALL. DANNY BONES. THE PRINCE WHO WAS PROMISED. TOUCHDOWN LORD. FIRST DOWN GOD. KING OF NEW YORK. FUTURE MVP. OH CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN.
1. Josh Allen
2018 stats: 2,074 Yrds, 10 TDs, 12 INTs, 52.8% completions
What are you, new here? Of course it’s Josh Allen No. 1. It was always going to be Josh Allen No. 1. He is this generation’s Michael Vick. He’s Steve McNair mixed with Brett Favre dipped in just enough Nathan Peterman that makes every one of his plays must watch. He’s either going to break a 20-yard run, chuck the ball 50-yards downfield for a big gain or throw the ball directly into a linebacker’s chest.
Josh Allen is the best quarterback in the NFL and no one can tell me otherwise.
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