- No Houston Astros. Can’t say any of those guys are good hitters until I see how they play without space satellites relaying off-speed pitches to them in the blink of an eye against the 5th starter of the Kansas City Royals.
- No steroid users. Sorry Mike Trout. We play the game the right way here. (Vote for Barry Bonds.)
Disclaimer: If this list never sees the light of day then blame Baseball Reference and Fangraphs for taking up more bandwidth on m shitty old Dell laptop than Xvideos.
But here are the Top 15 hitters heading into 2020:
15. Gleyber Torres
Had to sneak an extra Yankee onto this list. Are you new here? HAD TO. No further comments. See any at-bat Gleyber has against the Baltimore Orioles.
14. Kris Bryant
The Chicago Cubs desperate quest to trade Kris Bryant as if paying him would force the owner to live out of his car is inexplicable to me but this is why organizations go 100 years without winning championships. Don’t blame Steve Bartman. Bartman would’ve re-signed Jake Arrieta.
Bryant is a few years away from his magnificent 2016 MVP campaign that culminated in a World Series ring and after missing a decent chunk of 2018 to injuries, he hasn’t quite bounced back to that MVP form but I’d be shocked as hell if Bryant didn’t end 2020 in the Top 5 of the MVP vote again.
13. Freddie Freeman
This kid doesn’t give a single fuck about Freddie Freeman https://t.co/KZ7At1iRh9
— Lester The Caramel Cat (@TheLesterLee) November 1, 2019
I want to put Freddie Freeman higher on this list but I just can’t forget this clip of him surprising a kid who is quite literally dressed as him for Halloween and that kid treating him the way Trump voters treat all of his rape charges. Straight up ignored this man. Can’t be a Top 10 hitter after this, Freddie. Bum ass.
12. Ronald Acuna
Ronald Acuna is one of my favorite players in the game right now. He was 3 stolen bases away from the 40-40 club after mashing 41 bombs. He wears a gold chain that would make 1991 MC Hammer blush. He will hit a home run into the bleachers and toss his bat in the stands with it in celebration only to get hit by the pitcher in his next at-bat before launching another homer in his next time at the plate. A king.
11. Nelson Cruz
Nelson Cruz hasn’t hit fewer than 30 home runs since 2013 where he hit 27 in a little over 100 games before suffering a season-ending injury. We are going to look back at this man’s irrelevant career and realize he’s essentially David Ortiz without any meaningful postseason success.
10. Bryce Harper
It’s nuts that Bryce Harper is so good that a season with 35 homers and 114 RBIs serves a sleepytime tea for baseball fans. Harper didn’t even make the All-Star team. He was completely ignored all season long.
Did I say nuts? I meant absolutely hilarious.
9. Juan Soto
Real quick, Bryce has a longer history of greatness than Juan but, ya know, pettiness. The man who replaced him won the championship that Harper was incapable of. Art.
8. Nolan Arenado
*whispers* Did you know Nolan Arenado hit 41 homers, with 118 RBIs and a .315 batting average last season and only finished 6th in MVP voting and the Colorado Rockies want to trade that type of production because they can’t afford the contract that they *stops whispering* ALREADY gave him.
Baseball is dumb and perfect and I love it.
7. Aaron Judge
This is my attempt at being unbiased because every muscle in my body wants to put Aaron Judge No. 1 on this list. I have no idea what Judge doesn’t excel at besides staying healthy enough to play which has nothing to do with this particular list.
In 2017 he rocketed 52 homers to go along with 127 RBIs, a Rookie of the Year trophy and an MVP. The only thing preventing him from grabbing another MVP is getting hit in the wrist by shitty pitchers who can’t control the ball and a shitty training staff that has an entire roster of guys pulling their obliques one-after-another.
6. Anthony Rendon
Anthony Rendon looks like he spends long periods on the road checking truck stop bathrooms for active gloryholes but man, this guy can hit a baseball. The new Anaheim Angel will be joining Mikey Salmon, Old Man Albert and that kid who stole the Rookie of the Year award from Gleyber Torres because he pitched a few more innings than the ALL-STAR second baseman.
Anyway back to Rendon. After leading all of baseball with 126 RBIs and only turning 30 this year, I might be underrating his greatness with this No. 6 ranking.
5. Giancarlo Stanton
This is probably the most aggressive placement on this list but I can’t imagine that the former NL MVP can just never stay healthy again and with the Yankees bringing in a brand new training staff, I don’t suspect that Stanton is going to tear every muscle when he slides into a base anymore.
That being said, Stanton hits the ball for contact like Ichiro in the way he sort of slaps the ball through the infield but with the power of Barry Bonds in a ballpark with children’s softball dimensions.
Giancarlo Stanton back.
4. Mookie Betts
Future NL West star, Mookie Betts, won the 2018 AL MVP with a .346 batting average with 32 bombs. At age 27 in a lineup where opposing pitchers have no room for error, Betts may not put up the counting stats he has in the past with RBIs being shared by everyone but his average and runs will continue to be Hall of Fall caliber.
Bonus points for being a lead-off hitter. Even more bonus points for fucking the Boston Red Sox.
3. JD Martinez
Rafael Devers and Xander Bogaerts are good or whatever but with Betts on the west coast, it’s all on JD Martinez to generate runs for the Boston Red Sox this season and I firmly believe he’s going to put up MVP numbers or at least he better considering his decision to opt-in forced the team to trade away their best player.
For anyone who believes JD Martinez is too high on this list, since 2017 he has the most home runs (124), second most RBIs (339), 2nd highest wRC+ (158) and 2nd highest slugging percentage (.634)
I promise you when it comes to hitting, JD Martinez is Top 3. I promise you.
2. Cody Bellinger
Cody Bellinger is only 25 years old and might be the best overall player in baseball (we don’t acknowledge Michael Fish here). Very few players in 2020 are capable of the power that Bellinger produces while stile maintaining a batting average above .300. Cody hit .305 with 47 bombs and 1.035 OPS. Mad decent.
It felt like every time Bellinger stepped up to the plate he going to swat a ball into the parking lot. Too bad Clayton Kershaw and David Price are going to do everything in their power to prevent Bellinger from winning a World Series.
1. Christian Yelich
Christian Yelich looks like he collects Pokemon cards. He looks like the only time he can grow a mustache is when he drinks a fresh glass of whole milk. But the number, believe it or not, don’t lie.
.429 OBP .342 ISO 174wRC+ 44 homers 97 RBI 7.8 WAR
The only thing that prevented Yelich from winning back-to-back MVP awards was a season-ending injury that allowed Cody Bellinger to run up more stats in his absence.
Christian Yelich is the best hitter in Major League Baseball.
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