On Friday evening, Robert Mueller dropped off his report. The world rejoiced. Finally, after months upon months of speculation, we have a conclusion to the Donald Trump Russian collusion case.
Clearly Trump worked with Russia to win the 2016 elec—wait what’s that? The Attorney General said what? Oh…oh um, okay then. Uh, nevermind.
Attorney General Anthony Barr read the report over the weekend and by Sunday afternoon, he released his own little letter summary that said Mueller’s report “does not conclude that [President Donald Trump] committed a crime, it also does not exonerate him” and that Mueller “did not find that the Trump campaign or anyone associated with it conspired or coordinated with Russia in its efforts to influence the 2016 U.S. presidential election.”
Oh. Uh, cool.
Before we go any further, we should first point out that the Special Counselor in charge of this case has a track record of being trash at his job. Trump is undefeated at surrounding himself with people in over their heads at work. Somewhere in the White House, Ben Carson is walking into a wall over and over like a Grand Theft Auto character when your Xbox batteries run out.
In the late
Is this your king?
A week before 9/11, Mueller was appointed FBI director. A week after 9/11, anthrax killed 5 people. It was Mueller time yet again. Operation: who the fuck is sending out anthrax.
He pinned the anthrax attack on an army virologist, Steven J. Hatfill, who had never once handled anthrax in his life. After Hatfill’s name was leaked into the press, he sued the shit out of the government for the false accusations and walked away with $5.8 million.
Good work, Mueller.
Oh, I should probably also add that the guy who actually used anthrax killed himself because the FBI leaked that they had discovered it was him. Didn’t arrest the man he had been hunting for months. Just accidentally told reporters his name. Oh
Robert Mueller was then tasked with taking down the most powerful man in the world. Should there be any surprise that he wasn’t able to find any evidence of collusion even though we can all go on Facebook right now and see a Russian bot promoted an article with the headline ‘Is Hillary Secretly An Alien With a Vendetta Against Our Fearless Leader Trump?’.
Now, there’s a very real possibity that AG Anthony Barr, who was appointed by Trump, received Mueller’s report and was going to defend his boss/job regardless of what was written. We tend to forget that the government doesn’t have our best interests in mind.
But based on Mueller’s history of fumbling big cases, my man was biting his nails and destroying stress balls only to drop off that weak ass report saying Trump was innocent.
It’s also conceivable that Trump is a stupid old man who was used by the Russian government without even realizing it so he technically didn’t collude with them because that would imply that Putin considers Trump to be an equal and not just a vessel for his own self interests.
Lot to unpack here. But most importantly, Robert Mueller suuuuucks.
- The 7 Biggest Winners and Losers of the Gerrit Cole New York Yankees Signing
- Power Ranking The 9 Potential AFC Wildcard Teams Based On Who Will Be The Most Exciting To Watch in the Playoffs
- Here’s The Massive Problem With Marriage Story
- Get Your Dumb Ugly Fat Wife a Peloton Bike For Christmas
- Leonard Williams, Who Has Exactly Zero (0) Sacks This Season, Wants To Be Paid Like Aaron Donald