Today is Star Wars day so there’s only one thing you can do at a time like this, arbitrarily rank beloved movies only to make the internet take their pitchforks out and murder me where I stand.
I’ve watched all of these movies way more times than I should have. I’m not saying I dropped out of college in order to have more time for Star Wars movies but I pretty much dropped out of college to have more time for Star Wars movies.
Anyway, here is the definitive power rankings of all Star Wars movies:
10. Attack of the Clones
The easy choice for worst Star Wars movie is Phantom Menace but Attack of the Clones was the worst thing ever. I know I exaggerate a lot but name another movie that has Hayden Christensen crying about how much he hates sand to Natalie Portman in front of a fake CGI background. Exactly.
This movie also gives us the unnecessary origin story of Boba Fett’s father which is a question that literally zero people were asking themselves after the original trilogy. If the prequels was the journey of Anakin Skywalker becoming Darth Vader then Attack of the Clones was a huge detour. He’s a bitch the entire time and kills some sand people but then gets smoked by Count Dooku like the bitch he is. Uck and that droid assembly line sequence.
Fuck this movie.
9. Solo: A Star Wars Story
The only reason why Solo isn’t dead last in these power rankings is because fortunately, no one in this movie had a soliloquy about their emotional reaction to sand.
Who thought it was a good idea to make a movie not only telling us the origin of one of the coolest movie characters ever (thus erasing any lore and mystery surrounding his character) but telling us how he got the name Han Solo. Ohhhh…because he’s solo like, on his own like, alone. I get it.
This movie is trash.
Alden Ehrenreich might be the least charasmatic human on planet Earth replacing Harrison Ford, the polar opposite. What did we do wrong to deserve watching one of our beloved heroes get stomped out like this?
8. Phantom Menace
Phantom Menace is bad. It’s really bad. George Lucas shoved Jar Jar Binks down our throats and expected us not to choke on that garbage. I still have a little cough just thinking about it.
Star Wars is great because it starts on a shitty sand world but then they immediately burn Luke’s house down and they get out of there. On Phantom Menace, they decided to stay on the sand planet the entire time. Why.
But the thing that separates Phantom Menace from Attack of the Clones is Darth Maul. The ending sequence with the Dual of the Fates song blasting was amazing. Even Jar Jar Binks doing lame shit with droids couldn’t ruin it. I know what happens but I’m still always shocked that Liam Neeson got murked right before Obi-Wan Kenobi’s eyes.
Also, fuck making Darth Vader a little boy for no reason.
7. Rogue One
If I could make Rogue One the worst Star Wars movie I absolutely would but fortunately for ‘A Star Wars story’, Jar Jar Binks exists so they’re in the clear here.
You know your movie sucks when the best scene in the movie was in the trailer but cut out of the final product. In the trailer, you see the Rogue team running away from AT-AT’s on the beach but the editor said ‘nope, let’s separate all of them and have them all die very alone and unceremoniously just like we all do in real life’. 2 real.
If you ignore the fact that there was no character development or growth and there was really no reason for maybe 70% of the scenes in this movie, at least you there was some cool Darth Vader stuff but the problem is that Rogue One is supposed to be a standalone movie so just dropping Darth Vader in makes zero sense. Technically, it’s not even his job to make sure the Death Star has working weapons.
Rogue One is dumb.
6. Return of the Jedi
You know, I’m not going to be negative this time because I know what’s ahead and I know there are a couple of hot takes incoming so I will take a breath and I’ll be fairly positive.
Although Luke’s plan to free Han free Jabba the Hut was unnecessarily convoluted, it was still mega badass and seeing Luke as a fully realized Jedi was a huge three film payoff.
I won’t get into Ewoks because then I’ll never stop talking about Ewoks but to be brief: fuck Ewoks. I will also say that Darth Vader suddenly wanting to recruit his son out of nowhere was lazy and took the sails out of a pretty cool villain. But again, trying not to be negative.
5. The Last Jedi
The Last Jedi did not come without contraversy as director Rian Johnson took some reaaal liberties with The Force and what characters are capable of doing with The Force including Leia force-flying and Luke projecting himself into a fight with Kylo Ren.
But don’t let that distract you the brilliance of every interaction between Rey and Kylo. From Force Facetiming to teaming up and having one of the best lightsaber fights in the series.
4. Empire Strikes Back
HOT TAKE ALERT. Super unpopular incoming. This is your trigger warning.
Empire Strike Back is not the best Star Wars movie. It’s only in the top 5 because Rian Johnson got cute and made Princess Leia fly through space with zero oxygen.
If we’re making a list of most iconic moments then yes, the ‘I Am Your Father’ moment is number one right above Anakin and Padme rolling around in an open meadow.
But what made the first movie so great was Luke, Han and Leia coming together and getting into wacky hijinx. Empire Strikes Back separates them immediately after Luke and Han probably should’ve died on Hoth so that Luke can train with a puppet for way too many minutes of the movie.
Even that iconic fight scene between Luke and Vader wasn’t that great. Vader was standing still for a majority of it just throwing random debris at Luke from across the room. Wow, so captivating the way he tosses those boxes.
I will say that the moment when Lando opens the door and Vader is sitting at the dinner table made me jump out of my seat when I was a but a small naive boy.
3. The Force Awakens
A lotttt of people walked away from The Force Awakens unimpressed. There was basically an entire season of South Park dedicated to it. Those people weren’t there opening night at the very first possible screening Thursday night surrounded by Han Solo vests and Princess Leia braids. Those people weren’t there when Kylo Ren stopped Poe Dameron’s blaster mid air and the entire room gasped.
I know saying this movie is the third best because of the threatre experience doesn’t mean much but it’s certainly a factor. The Force Awakens had a difficult balancing act of creating new captivating characters while still maintaining the storylines of the original trilogy and they hit that shit out of the park.
Darth Vader was cool looking but he was one-note the entire trilogy. Kylo Ren showed a full range of emotions. Rey was badass and proactive, unlike whiny Luke. BB-8 did stuff too. Don’t try to tell me that Luke wearing Yoda as a backpack and doing flips in a swamp is better than the moment where Finn doesn’t want to be a Storm Trooper anymore and he takes off his mask dramatically.
2. Revenge of the Sith
I originally thought that this would be the hottest take of this article but after reviewing the previous movies, I am 1000% convinced that I made the correct decision here. Revenge of the Sith is what the prequels should’ve been. Not baby Vader or teenage angst Vader but good looking, one handed, eye scarred, days away from being Vader, Vader.
Peak Anakin. Peak Obi-Wan. Peak Emperor. Volcanoes, man. Volcanoes. I won’t even talk about that final fight scene. Just watch it.
1. Star Wars
The best Star Wars movie is Star Wars and no one can tell me otherwise. It’s the perfect her story. Small world farm boy just thrown into the middle of a galactic war learning magic from an old warrior and making out with his sister. Classic hero story.
Harrison Ford didn’t hate being Han Solo yet. Princess Leia tried to do a weird British accent for a reason I don’t understand but I love it. Luke is befuddled by literally everything that’s going on. Oh, and there was only one Death Star. Yup, I’m still taking shots at Empire Strikes Back.
Star Wars is the best Star Wars movies and no one can tell me otherwise.
- The Seattle Storm Should Probably Do Something About Natasha Howard Beating The Shit Out of Her Wife
- Be Honest, Do You Really Care About a Black Widow Solo Movie?
- The 2019 New York Yankees Are Fucking Savages in the Box
- Okay Fine, Let’s Talk About Area 51
- Meghan McCain is Upset That Donald Trump’s Racism is Preventing Her From Being Racist