I should start by saying that this list will not include Logan because the woman that sells me bootleg DVDs is missing and I’m honestly starting to get worried. If anyone has seen her roaming the freeway, please email me immediately.
This list is going to be really hard for me because I’ve written about it before and I’ll say it forever, every single one of these X-Men movies stink. If you’re a comic book fan or you watched Captain America: Civil War last year, I don’t know how you can look back at X-3 and say that it’s decent. It is not.
So seeing as how I hate all of these movies, I will be brief and hit you guys with some bullet points because 1. I’ve written like 20 articles today and I need to take a break and 2. no one likes reading my long ass paragraphs anyway.
Here are the definitive power rankings of all 9 X-Men movies:
9. X-Men: The Last Stand
If I remember correctly, I’m pretty sure every single character exploded or evaporated or some shit…
- The ‘Phoenix’ was the least fleshed out character in this entire series and that’s saying a lot.
- They really let Rogue just lose her powers? Really?
- Cyclops disintegrated and no one batted an eye.
- Why would the all powerful Phoenix just like, chill with Magneto for no reason?
- Were we supposed to care or know about those random mutants that Magneto was hanging out in the woods with?
- “I’m the Juggernaut, bitch!”
8. X-Men Origins: Wolverine
I’m glad this movie gave us the origins of Wolverine’s fucking leather jacket. Thank gawd.
- Deadpool didn’t have a mouth
- Scott Summers and Emma Frost were randomly thrown in at the end and I still don’t know why.
- The title sequence was the best part of the movie. That’s not a good look.
- Wow, our first live action Gambit appearance….andddd it’s over.
- You can rename this movie X-Men Origins: Sabertooth and it would’ve been the same shitty an unnecessary movie.
I was a child when this movie came out and even then I knew that I was watching garbage unfold before my little baby boy eyes.
- Watching Storm do her weather powers is like watching a homeless man feel himself up on the subway
- Senator Kelly turned into a slug.
- Rogue knows she can’t touch anyone but touches everyooooone.
- The awful precedent of wearing all black BDSM costumes was set in this movie.
- Why doesn’t Magneto just rip Wolverines metal bones out of his body. Problem solved.
6. The Wolverine
Hugh Jackman in Japan, what could possibly go wrong?
- Wolverine Origins was the worst movie ever soo yup, definitely make a sequel…
- There was samurai sword fighting so that’s cool and stuff.
- I still don’t understand why all of these origin movies decided to make Wolverine’s claws longer than his arms.
- The villain in this movie was no less than 302 years old so…
5. X-Men Apocalypse
I saw a bootleg version of this movie with Spanish subtitles and the subtitles made more sense than the actual action sequences.
- They made Mystique the star of this movie because Jennifer Lawrence sells tickets. You know what else sells tickets? Good fucking movies.
- In the 1st act, Apocalypse cut people’s head off with sand. In the 3rd act he had a fist fight with Beast. What?
- Psylocke cut a car in half in the trailer, she did literally nothing else in this movie.
- Jubilee sux.
- The Four Horsemen didn’t really do anything and there was no point in Apocalypse gathering them.
- Huge fan of killing Magneto’s family in every single movie. Might be my favorite tradition in the X-Men movies.
Full discloure, I don’t remember the plot of this movie at all. I just remember Wolverine stuffed that Asian broad full of adamantium and not in a sexual way. Let’s just move on to the next movie.
3. X-Men Days of Future Past
Wolverine goes back in time because Wolverine can do anything in these movies. There are no rules for Wolverine.
- Hugh Jackman naked.
- Professor X on heroin.
- Shout out to Blink, Bishop and Warpath for being brand new characters introduced into this X-Men franchise and then getting brutally murdered before the ending credits.
- That quicksilver sequence in the kitchen was cool or whatever.
- Oh yea, Magneto killed JFK. No big deal.
I saw Deadpool in theatres 4 times. I’m not sure if that’s because I really liked it or because I had a lot of free time last February…
- TJ Miller will never not be funny.
- We finally saw comic book style colorful hero costumes.
- That opening action sequence where Deadpool counts bullets is probably the best X-Men sequence.
- There was almost a Gina Carano nipple so that’s dope.
- If I was 11-years old then Deadpool would’ve been the greatest movie ever made.
1. X-Men: First Class
I don’t even think First Class was that good, I just the 0ther 8 movies sucked (too).
- This movie was great if you’ve ever wondered to yourself ‘how does professor X lose his legs??’
- Apparently everyone and their mothers want to hump Mystique.
- I could watch Magneto push a coin through Kevin Bacon’s head all day, everyday.
- I’m still cringing from that scene where Jennifer Lawrence goes around the room and names all of the heroes.
- At the end of the day, still have to applaud this movie for rebooting after X-Men Last Stand shit all over the audience.