The most exciting part of the NBA season is here. No, not the boring ass Finals. It’s free agency, babyyyyy/
The time in the season where there are no rules. Chaos reigns. No player is safe. One moment you’re playing in your hometown and the next, you’re playing an hour away from the set of Space Jam 2.
This article isn’t about predicting where players will land. This article is all about where the best spot for these players are based solely off the storylines and potential joke possibilities.
Here are the best landing spots for the top 20 2019 NBA free agents:
20. DeMarcus Cousins: Dallas Mavericks
Last summer, Boogie took the minimum to go win a ring and rehab a torn achilles in Golden State before entering free agency and getting the Max deal he deserves.
But instead, he’s pretty average out there and does not in any way look like the DeMarcus Cousins who was putting up legendary numbers in Sacramento.
So fuck it. Get your paper in Dallas. Put your stats up. And maybe win some games with Luka Doncic and Kristaps Porzingis. Maybe not. But winning doesn’t matter right now. Get money. Get stats. Go home.
19. Julius Randle: Los Angeles Clippers
The Clippers don’t need superstars.
Well, okay, yea they do. Every team does.
But what Los Angeles wants as a back up is guys who play balls out and are swiss army knives on the floor capable of anything. Julius Randle Type Beat.
18. Bojan Bogdanovic: San Antonio Spurs
A tall European big with a quirky personality that can shoot mid-range jumpers and defend the perimeter? Meet Gregg Popovich, the man who created you.
17. JJ Redick: Houston Rockets
It’s worth mentioning, I have a pretty good idea of which teams have cap space and which don’t. This isn’t totally random. But with James Harden, CP3 and Clint Capela all cashing out, there’s a very good chance that Houston can’t afford to pay Redick.
That being said, hey JJ, enough. This man has been cashing out in Philadelphia with a roster full of players on their rookie deal straight stealing from that organization.
You are 35-years old. Take the minimum and win in Houston. You are not worth $12 million a year.
16. Nikola Vucevic: Los Angeles Lakers
Wow, what a massive signing by LA. They were able to acquire an All-Star center. LeBron James continues to be the best GM of all time.
15. Tyreke Evans: Milwaukee Bucks
Tyreke Evans was supoosed to be a slasher off the bench for Indiana this past season and was inconsistent as hell. It happens. Not every player works in every system.
A slasher, Eric Bledsoe is not.
Bring Tyreke off the bench for some backcourt scoring when Bledsoe starts doing that thing where he sucks at basketball randomly. I can’t watch Giannis lose like he did this year. That was a brutal 4th quarter. [Lawrence Fishburne voice from John Wick 2] CAN SOMEBODY GET THIS MAN SOME HELP.
14. Ricky Rubio: Los Angeles Lakers
Wow, Vucecic AND Rubio?? Lakers championships en route.
The only thing LeBron James loves more than surrounding himself with his friends is surrounding himself with strangers that he can blame when things go wrong.
Enter Rick Rubio.
Lonzo Ball will be traded this offseason. Richard Rubio is the Spanish version of Lavar’s eldest heir. Can’t wait for the Rubio/Vucevic pick n roll.
13. Paul Millsap: Pelicans(?)
Here’s a peek behind the curtain, I finished this list and completely forgot to write something about Paul Millsap so um, Pels? Shrug.gif. I don’t know. I ran out of space. Technically, they’ll have AD’s money available. He can teach Zion how to uh, cross the streets at the legal crosswalks and shit. The essentials.
12. Al Horford: Boston Celtics
This is boring but I get the feeling that the 2019-20 Boston Celtics are going all in and Horford is a big part of their master plan. Anthony Davis is probably out of the picture but Mike Conley is very available to step in and distribute the ball where Kyrie didn’t.
11. Goran Dragic: Indiana Pacers
The Pacers need a guy who can create their own shot outside of Victor Oladipo. Darren Collison is just skinny Kyle Lowry. Indiana needs a guard that can get to the basket and draw fouls.
When healthy, Goran Dragic has a top 5 crossover move in the entire league. A Dragic/Oladipo backcourt would be a PROBLEM in the East. Pray 4 John Wall’s weak little ankles.
10. Tobias Harris: Miami Heat
Have the Miami Heat had a good wing player since LeBron went back to Cleveland? I don’t think Tobias Harris is getting the Max deal he thinks he deserves so why not settle down in Miami? Tobias’s little dirt mustache was made for South Beach.
9. Khris Middleton: Golden State Warriors
If the Golden State Warriors lose Kevin Durant and replace him with Khris Middleton, they’re winning the Western Conference again. They were in the Finals with Harrison Barnes, who is a way worse basketball player.
Middleton was good enough to be the No. 2 option on a historically great Bucks team last year that won basically every single game by double digits.
8. Kemba Walker: Charlotte Hornets
There is nothing I am more passionate about than seeing teams destroy themselves because of the Supermax contract. Sometimes I spend hours staring at the Washington Wizards contract table smiling ear-to-ear. The Hornets cap situation is hilarious Give Kemba the supermax and let’s jump all in.
“Fuck them kids” -Michael Jordan.
7. D’Angelo Russell: Phoenix Suns
I think I would pass out if I opened up Twitter and saw Woj tweet that the Phoenix Suns offered D-Lo the Max and Brooklyn didn’t match the contract.
D’Angelo Russell and Devin Booker walking into the practice the first day staring at each other like the Spider-Man pointing at Spider-Man meme. Both players still somehow getting fewer shot attempts than Jimmer Fredette off the bench.
6. Kyrie Irving: Brooklyn Nets
Kyrie has spent the last few years mentally preparing to be a Brooklyn hipster. He also spent last season treating the young players on the Celtics like it was their first time ever holding a basketball and as a wise 26-year old, he knew way more than them.
The basketball genius will be riding a unicycle reading Sun Tzu’s Art of War down Lorimer street ignoring all of Caris LeVert’s texts.
5. Klay Thompson: Philadelphia 76ers
Take all of the shooting that JJ Redick had and increase that times 100. Take none of the defense JJ Redick had and replace that with an all-defense caliber player and Klay Thompson joining the Sixers is the biggest no brainer.
Klay and Ben Simmons would put the CLAMPS on anyone at the perimeter while Embiid is defending the rim behind them. Plus, there’s a zero percent chance Ben Simmons learns how to shoot so just give him Klay to bail him out.
4. Jimmy Butler: Brooklyn Nets
It would be HILARIOUS if this young Brooklyn Nets team that made their way into the playoffs were instantly submarined by Jimmy Butler and Kyrie Irving.
Jimmy Butler proved he can hang with young guys. He didn’t seem to have any problems with Ben Simmons or Joel Embiid but that does not erase what happened in Chicago and Minnesota.
Now that he has Kyrie there with him, these two bullies are going to stuff Spencer Dinwiddie in a locker day one just to establish dominance over the locker room.
Also want Jimmy to fight Brooklyn in the playoffs this season and then join them the next. He and Jared Dudley have much to discuss.
3. Kevin Durant: New York Knicks
Fucking sigh. Here comes a 7-foot tall 32-year old with a history of leg injuries and fresh off a season ending achilles surgery to earn a max salary and lead the New York Knicks to an 8th seed as he can no longer run up and down the court and just jab steps like Carmelo Anthony. Sigh.
2. Kawhi Leonard: Toronto Raptors
Ruuuuuun it back. Back-to-back champs. (I’m writing this prior to Game 6. If the Raptors blow a 3-1 lead then Kawhi Leonard should retire immediately and the Raptors have to play in the Australian Basketball League).
1. Mario Hezonja
Two. Max. Slots. Bring the kingslayer back.
Quick honorable mention: Kristaps Porzingis: Prison
- Update: Jimmy Garoppolo is The Worst Quarterback in NFL History
- Kyle Kuzma is a Cop
- Breaking Down Jay-Z’s Nasty Partnership With The NFL
- Enough of This Nonsense, Here is the Solution To The Dallas Cowboys Dak Prescott/Ezekiel Elliot/Amari Cooper Contract Situation
- Chris Cuomo Threatening To Throw A Man Down Stairs Because He Called Him ‘Fredo’ Is The Perfect Example That All Old White Men Are Trash