Some people get their cringe from twitter threads of dads bragging about starving their children and withholding beans from them. Some people get their cringe from Tik Tok. Literally every Tik Tok. But I personally get my cringe from watching a group of clout chasing sociopaths sexually harass a boring sexually retarded man. The Bachelor premiere gave me what I needed.
Meet Matt James the first ever black bachelor who believes he’s stuck between a rock and a hard place. In a conversation with host Chris Harrison, Matt explains that as the first black bachelor there is pressure for him to pick a black woman so he doesn’t piss anyone off to which Chris Harrison essentially just says back “yea that’s tough”. Quite the enlightening discussion there.
Let’s just be clear, the bachelor audience is overwhelmingly white. No one watching cares if you pick a white woman. In fact, they are expecting you to. Do you want to know why? Because a white woman literally always wins every season for like two decades now.
Here’s a cute little stat: 59% of the black contestants were off the show in the first 2 weeks. But no worries. This made up the gap by bringing in Magi, the Ethiopian pharmacist. And no, I don’t mean she’s of African descent. I mean she lives in Adwa, you know, that city in Ethiopia. She’s high key the most attractive though but she’s black on Bachelor so she’ll be home watching with the rest of us soon.
Let’s get off how racist this show will be as it goes on and key in on some of the best moments of the week.
Worst Gimmick: Katie the Coomer
Look, we’re very sex positive here. Coomer friendly as hell. Everybody should be ejaculating all the time. But maybe bringing your vibrator to make some joke about how bored you were during quarantine isn’t as funny as you thought it might be in your head.
Literally every single Katie I’ve ever met thinks all of her little quirks are the funniest thing ever. They laugh at their jokes first before you get a chance not to. (Not you though, Katie who is reading this)
The problem is that there was no place for her to just leave her dildo so she had to carry it around all night. Her entire personality was “girl who beats the hell out of her own pussy” which is a great reputation to have if you’re attempting to grow a large following on xhamster but yea, can’t imagine the forever flaccid generic man that prayed 30 minutes earlier is as interested in your rubber jackhammer dick as you are.
Worst Fit: Saneh The Goat
Saneh: “you’re the greatest of all time” *reveals she’s wearing goat feet slippers* “but IM the GOAT.” *crickets*
I reckon Saneh was trying to play on the sports cliche of someone being the ‘Greatest Of All Time’ but uh, Matt James was a college wide receiver like half a decade ago and he certainly was the fucking GOAT at that so Matt wasn’t even sure what point Saneh was trying to make.
Also shout out Saneh walking around in dumb goat slippers while every woman is in extravagant heels. Sure that hilarious joke was totally worth it. *whispers* she was eliminated because of course she was. She had goat feet.
Biggest surprise: Victoria Not Being From New Jersey
Victoria won the no. 1 sociopath award walking in wearing a tiara and referring to herself as the ‘queen’ which is noteworthy, not just because she has no sovereignty over and kingdom that I’m aware of but her title card labeled her job as ‘queen’.
Which means she is very much ‘between jobs’. The biggest surprise of this week is that there is a loud obnoxious brunette who has no income, barely any IG followers, and refers to herself as a Queen who isn’t from New Jersey. Honestly happy for her.
Best Matt moment: Chess
Serena (I think there’s two Serena’s but I’d be lying if I told you I knew which is which) found the big ass chessboard that the producers set up—because Matt probably filled out some questionnaire that said he it was his lame-ass hobby or something—and challenged the Bachelor to a cute game.
Matt revealed that he was on the chess club with a huge grin on his face. Finally, beauty AND brains. Matt was ecstatic. Oh, and then Serena immediately asked him how to move the pieces on the board. You could see Matt deflate and instantly realize that chess is like, a 30-minute commitment so he just moved his king across the board and knocked everything over.
I wish I watched a different show on Monday night. I really do.