Quarterback battles are my favorite thing in sports as football organizations force two QBs to compete for the starting job thus destroying the self-esteem of one and making the locker room awkwardly choose who they want to be led by.
Here are the 7 funniest quarterback battles heading into the 2020 NFL season:
1. Andy Dalton vs. Dak Prescott
Here are two things I believe to be true: 1. The Dallas Cowboys absolutely need a real backup quarterback on the roster and 2. Andy Dalton does not perceive himself to be a backup and he wouldn’t agree to be the Cowboys backup unless he promised some assurances that he’d play.
Weird that the Cowboys could’ve given Dak a long term contract this offseason and instead, they franchise tagged him and signed everyone else to a long term deal. Andy Dalton SZN.
2. Derek Carr vs. Marcus Mariota
There is nothing Jon Gruden loves more than collecting quarterbacks. I’ll never forget the season in Tampa Bay when he had Bruce Gradkowski, Tim Rattay and Chris Simms all starting games. He brought Brad Johnson to the Super Bowl. Gruden doesn’t just love quarterbacks he loves mediocrity.
Gruden gave Derek Carr one final year to believe that the Raiders were his team mainly because Gruden is terrified of actual face-to-face confrontation but yea, he brought in Marcus Mariota to play Marcus Mariota.
Oh, and remember when Derek Carr got sacked really hard and cried? Lol.
3. Mitch Trubisky vs. Nick Foles
Nick Foles wasn’t good enough to outplay Gardner Minshew in Jacksonville. And he’s about to be the starting quarterback in Chicago. What does that say about Mitch Trubisky? As long as I live I will never forget Mitch Trubisky running away from the first down marker.
Mitch Trubisky = The Bears
First down = His fifth-year optionpic.twitter.com/UDKlsDCbeZ
— Ian Hartitz (@Ihartitz) May 2, 2020
Just…fucking dive forward man.
4. Philip Rivers vs. Jacoby Brissett
We all know that Philip Rivers is the worst quarterback on the Colts right now, right? And this isn’t me saying that Jacoby Brissett is a world-beater but Rivers stinks and it’s odd that he just walks in with the starting job. It’s just going to be funny seeing him lose his mind on the sidelines.
5. Carson Wentz vs. Jalen Hurts
If I know Carson Wentz like I think I know Carson Wentz, then Jalen Hurts is going to play this season. And Jalen Hurts is probably going to play well which will lead to another season of people questioning if Wentz is the guy.
Jalen Hurts is a good quarterback and at some point, he’s going to get the opportunity to play and at some point, that’s going to be instead of Carson Wentz. Eyeball emoji all over this quarterback room.
6. Sam Darnold vs. James Morgan
Sam Darnold is making out with any girl who has a turbulent relationship with their father. This man is going to catch Coronavirus from a random Tinder hookup and rookie James Morgan is going to come in and play just as averagely as Darnold does.
Sam Darnold’s ceiling is probably Matt Stafford, which is generous as hell because Stafford stuffs boxscores in ways that Darnold has yet to but none of those stats actually leads to W’s. I can see Darnold following a simular meaningless existence. Well, until James Morgan takes the job.
7. Drew Brees vs. Jameis Winston
It’s interesting that Eli Manning, Philip Rivers and Tom Brady all fell off a cliff. Ben Roethlisberger led the NFL in interceptions in 2018 before blowing out his elbow in 2019 yet somehow well all still have faith that 75 year old Drew Brees will just be as productive as ever.
Enter Jameis Winston, stumbling off bourbon street to throw 5 TDs and 5 interceptions and stumbling into a Lyft—because he’s probably banned from Uber—and leading a talented New Orleans team to the postseason to tragically lose in the final play of the game, as they tend to do.