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The 7 Biggest Winners and Losers of the Gerrit Cole New York Yankees Signing


The New York Yankees signed the best pitcher in baseball to a 9-year $324 million deal that would make Gerrit Cole the highest paid pitcher in Major League Baseball history while simultaneously making themselves the obvious 2020 World Series favorites.


But with every massive tectonic shift, there are winners and there are losers.

Here are the 4 biggest winners and losers of the Gerrit Cole New York Yankees signing:

1. Gerrit Cole

I mean, duh.

Gerrit Cole became generationally wealthy overnight with maximum job security. 9 years as a multi-millionaire in New York. Tough life ahead for Mr. Cole.

Gerrit Cole also mentioned that he wants to go down as the greatest pitcher ever. Yea, that wasn’t going to happen in an Astros uniform. No one was ever going to look back at his career and say that he was historically better than his teammate, Justin Verlander.

He has 9 years to establish himself as the greatest pitcher for the greatest organization in sports. Get Roger Clemens’s bitch ass out of here. Cole World.

2. Scott Boras

There is a weird fascination with Scott Boras’s pockets this offseason. After every one of his clients’ signings, there is an immediate follow-up tweet updating us on how much Boras has made off the deals.

Personally, I’ve come to terms with the fact that sports agents make quite a bit of dollars for their services rendered but for whatever reason, it’s a huge deal for Scott Boras which will inevitably lead to him getting more high profile clients as he amasses more power.

As I write this, I imagine Boras is hiring contractors to install the moat around his castle made of gold.

3. New York Yankees

More ‘duh’s’ coming at you.

Masahiro Tanaka was the Yankees ace for the last two playoffs runs. He is now the No. 4 pitcher in their rotation after the addition of Gerrit Cole. Who has a No. 4 pitcher better than Tanaka? I’ll wait.

The Yankees tried to rely on their bullpen not realizing that by game 170, some of those relievers would run out of bullets. Now they have an Ace that can dominate 8 innings and save Ottavino’s bitch ass for another day.

The Yankees have the best pitcher in the American League. Who’s matching up against them? The Astros are all about to get banned from the league for cheating. The Red Sox are trading away everyone making more than minimum wage.

4. Brian Cashman

brian cashman chasen shreve

I still to this day cannot fathom the decisions New York Yankees GM, Brian Cashman, made last season. When the team desperately needed starting pitching, Cashman lowballed the hell out of free agent, Dallas Keuchel. And then at the trade deadline, Cashman decided to solve his starting pitching problem by acquiring the American League leader in home runs. Shout out to Encarnacion but like, what the fuck.

Cashman has never seemed to value starting pitching and essentially just relied on Andy Pettitte coming out of retirement every season for two decades. Enter 2020 Cashman and this viper just stole the best pitcher in baseball and all it cost him was the price of fans buying a bucket of chicken fingers all season, Light work.

5. David Price

david price

It was INSANE that David Price was the highest paid pitcher two weeks ago. That has to be one of the dumbest contracts in the history of history. No one has ever failed to reach expectations as much as Price has. And yes, he had that one triumphant World Series run but there’s been nothing but miserable turmoil surrounding this miserable dude since he penned the deal.

6.Matt Blake

Shout out to Matt Blake, the new Yankees pitching coach who’s about to walk into the easiest job in sports. What coaching is he giving Gerrit Cole? “Keep, uh, striking em out, my guy”. Blake and Tanaka are going to be communicating through head nods and grins. And now that the Astros aren’t stealing Severino’s signs, he’s about to be a Cy Young candidate again. Matt Blake is on a 162 game lunch break.

7. Major League Baseball

injured list

Fun fact: no one gives a shit that Manny Machado signed in San Diego and Bryce Harper signed in Philadelphia. Fun fact: Gerrit Cole signing with the Yankees was the no.1 story on Sportscenter for two days in the heart of the NFL season.

The Yankees returning to the World Series is about to save the sport of baseball. You are welcome.

And now onto the Losers…

1. Stephen Strasburg

You never want to sign the biggest deal for a pitcher and then immediately become the second highest within the same week. Sure Strasburg still got paid or whatever but we can’t ignore that he was straight up cucked by Gerrit Cole. Financial Dom shit. But we don’t kink shame here. Good for you, Steve.

2. Los Angeles Dodgers

All year we were told that Gerrit Cole wants to return to his home in California. I don’t want to compare this to Kevin Durant signing with Brooklyn instead of the Knicks because at least Durant still ended up in New York. The Dodgers lost to the other side of the country.

3. Houston Astros

aj hinch

The benefit of the Yankees signing Gerrit Cole is that he is no longer on the Houston Astros. It’s not a coincidence that Houston made it to the World Series with their Ace throwing 300 K’s last season. Who are the Astros replacing him with? Hint: someone not as good as Gerrit Cole.

Plus, the Astros are in the middle of one of the biggest cheating scandals in sports history sooo no matter what this winners and losers list was going to be about, the Astros were going to end up in the loser column.

4. Boston Red Sox

chris sale

It’s a wrap for Boston, folks. There are reports that they are selling away all of their expensive players and building around *checks notes* Rafeal Devers? Yikes. The Boston Red Sox will be competing with the Baltimore Orioles for the bottom of the AL East and Gerrit Cole is going to feed them all-they-can-eat Ks all season long.

5. The small market poors

tampa bay rays

The going rate for Aces is set to around $300 million. What’s that, Tampa Bay? There isn’t a single human in St. Petersburg that has anywhere near that amount of money? Wow, the poverty. Sorry, Kansas City. Enjoy like, scouting or whatever.I’ll make another list about which organizations have the best draft classes. Maybe I’ll finally write an article about the Detroit fucking Tigers.

6. Giancarlo Stanton

yankees fans hate giancarlo stanton

Saw a lot of people saying that the pressure is off of Stanton now that he’s no longer at the top of the Yankees Payroll. Laugh out loud. Nah, Stanton is under 10000x more pressure. It’s World Series Championship or bust. All eyes on Giancarlo Stanton’s at-bat’s now.

Guess who is to blame if the Yankees lose in the ALCS next season. The guy who for sure struck out swinging on 3 pitches with the bases loaded in Game 7.

7. Gary Sanchez

gary sanchez

If Gary can’t keep Sonny Gray’s breaking ball from hitting the back stop then Gerrit Cole is going to give this man whiplash with his slider. Once that inevitable slump comes when Sanchez bats .178 and can’t stop striking out, all eyes are going to be on his inability to literally catch baseballs.

Stay tuned for the month long stint on the DL for that ‘groin’ injury that seems to magically occur whenever he starts to struggle. Gerrit Cole is going to destroy this man’s groin. Gerrit Thee Stallion.

The Gerrit Cole led New York Yankees are going to win the World Series and no one can tell me otherwise.

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Written by Deadseriousness

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