Ted Cruz Is Drowning in Coronavirus

This year’s annual Conservative Wrestlemania aka CPAC—where Republicans go to complain about brown people and then awkwardly take pictures like guys at porn conventions—ended up being the Coronavirus hub as seemingly everyone there came in contact with someone who was carrying the illness before we even knew it was a national emergency.

Ted Cruz was among the idiots who had to self-quarantine himself and after a week of isolation, Cruz finally erased Cory Chase videos from his browser history and prepared to re-enter society.

Not quite

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) said he is extending his self-quarantine after learning he came in contact with a second person who has tested positive for the coronavirus.

His initial quarantine had been scheduled to end Thursday night.

“Unfortunately, last night I was informed I had a second interaction with an individual who yesterday tested positive for COVID-19,” Cruz said in a statement Friday morning

There is nothing on this earth that Ted Cruz loves more than shaking hands with dudes that have the plague. It’s getting to a point where I’m concerned Cruz won’t meet with people unless they have a dry cough and an IV in their arm.

This is coming off the heels of the Brazilian president shaking hands with Trump 24 hours before he was diagnosed with COVID-19 while Ivanka Trump is in the midst of her own quarantine after meeting with an Australian official who also tested positive for the virus.

These are your Republican leaders. They turned CPAC into a chickenpox party and now they can’t stop meeting with foreign leaders—even though they banned international travel—and shaking their hands.

And the worst part is that this administration has fumbled this entire pandemic so poorly that there aren’t even enough tests to find out if these assholes have COVID-19. If the number of people with coronavirus in the United States seems low compared to other countries it’s simply because most of us don’t even have access to a test.

I need this to be a weekly story. Ted Cruz has to crawl into a hole for a week and every time he goes back into the public someone with coronavirus sneezes into his open mouth and he has to burrow underground again.

This is like Greek mythology level torture. Ted Cruz pushing a boulder up a hole and then at the top of a hill someone coughs in his eyes and he falls down the hill for the remainder of time.

This is still Rudy Gobert’s fault.





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Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

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