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Stop Posting on Facebook, You Weirdo

Facebook is for dads and their moms.

Facebook is a website where old people go to click on Russian fake news websites about Hillary Clinton‘s newborn baby eating diet and where that strange quiet girl you went to high school with posts her poems that suck.

The other day I went on Facebook to share one of my many FIRE Deadseriousness articles and decided to actually take a few minutes and scroll through the feed to see what type of content people are creating.

Facebook is an absolute wasteland.

Sebastian Maniscalco has a great old bit about TJ Maxx. ‘I thought a bomb went off in this store. Everything is on the floor’. That is the perfect way to describe the current state of Facebook. Everything is on the floor.

The first thing I saw was someone sharing an evil Kermit meme. Really?? We’re really still using that joke fromat from three years ago? It felt like scrolling through Fuckjerry’s drafts.

Two girls I used to date are pregnant now. And that’s totally fine. I’m [redacted] years old. It makes sense people are settling down and starting families. There’s been a hot computer sitting on my lap for 36 hours straight so I assume I won’t be participating in fatherhood any time ever but again, nothing particularly strange about former bae’s birthing.

But man, life was going well not seeing them 8 months pregnant or knowing they were pregnant, or not thinking about them at all, ever.

Why would people intentionally go on Facebook to waterboard themselves with the extremely personal affairs of folks they hardly know anymore?

Speaking of extremely personal affairs, your journey in and out of rehab need not be shared on Facebook. As much as I hate Twitter for a bajillion different reasons, at least my feed primarily consists of people trying their darndest to be funny. Many struggle to pull it off but that effort shows.

Facebook is the most sobering website on planet Earth. Not a sense of humor in sight. Just people posting about their dad’s surgery and not-so-cryptic ‘treat me better or some other guy will’ statuses directed at bad boyfriends.

So. Much. Relationship. Drama.[1. Dating is hard]

I should not be able to see a couple end their relationship, get back together, and then end their relationship again all in one scroll. Figure your shit out in private before you unveil your big news to the world.

Not entirely sure why you’re even updating your relationship status at this point in life but alright, do your thing. We all need to get those sweet sweet delicious Likes, babyyy. There is no better way to make it seem like you’re in a healthy relationship than going on Facebook and saying so.

Why are you still actively adding photos to your Facebook page? I understand if you have relatives on Facebook and they tag you at some family gathering. Thats fine or whatever.

But if you had a night out with your friends, snapped a few fun photos and then ran to Facebook the next morning to ‘upload’ them into your 2019 photo album then I have serious concerns about your mental health because clearly your decision making skills are erratic.

Did you forget your Instagram password? We have a place for photo sharing and it’s not on Facebook between the Fandango movie ticket advertisement and the article about a new dinosaur egg being discovered in New Zealand from a website address ending with ‘.xyz’.

Real quick, and I cannot stress this enough: Do not…under any circumstance…Facebook message me. If I hear that weird ass notification, I’m calling the police. Only (dumb) drug dealers and perverts use Facebook messanger on purpose.

And I haven’t even mentioned the clear ethical problems of continuing to keep a platform in business that harvests all of our data and allows all of that personal information to get hacked into at least twice of week. Mark Zuckerberg is getting a new story added to his house every time a Croation data miner steals a Facebook user’s identity.

I’m not entirely sure why it still exists and who it’s for but I do know that if you’re still regularly posting on Facebook, you’re either behind bars or you’re about to be.

Stop using Facebook. Everything is on the floor.


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TheLesterLee

Written by TheLesterLee

Creator and King of Deadseriousness. Writer of all things pop culture. Jerk.

E-mail Lester@Deadseriousness.com to talk to the king directly about all Deadseriousness related stuff or if you just want to talk about like, the Yankees or Marvel comics or whatever.

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