It is official. Rob Gronkowski is not only coming out of retirement but he is joining Tom Brady on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers after being dealt by the New England Patriots. Oh.
— Ian Rapoport (@RapSheet) April 21, 2020
Let’s start off by talking about the football aspects of this deal like I’m ESPN or whatever. Bill Belichick was able to lose $10 million of his salary cap in exchange for a 4th rounder that he’ll probably flip into a slow linebacker that makes a magical play in the Super Bowl one day and becomes a legend in spite of his overall lack of talent.
That being said, with Tom Brady’s and Rob Gronkowski’s contracts off the books, the Patriots can now go out there and sign…oh, what’s that? Free agency is over and New England didn’t do a damn thing? Jarrett Stidham is their QB1?
We all make fun of Bill O’Brien’s inability to both be the Houston Texans head coach and general manager at the same time yet Bill Belichick lost the greatest quarterback and greatest tight end in NFL history and replaced them with *check notes* no one. Bold.
As far as Tampa Bay goes, we are going to find out once and for all if Tom Brady is just an elderly man or if the Patriots simply did not put enough weapons around him last year to succeed.
Rob Gronkowski has 79 career touchdown receptions. 78 of those are from Brady which are more than twice as many as any other receiver in Brady’s entire career. And now we’re just dropping the most dominant tight end with the most chemistry with Brady into the middle of this Bucs offense.
As things currently stand, the Buccaneers offense:
QB: Tom Brady
RB: Ronald Jones
WR: Mike Evans
WR: Chris Godwin
TE1: Rob Gronkowski
TE2: O.J. Howard/Cameron Brate
— Field Yates (@FieldYates) April 21, 2020
Is…is this legal?
Also real quick, today Colin Cowherd said that Mike Evans was the 7th best player in the NFL. Not the 7th best wide receiver. 7th best player. Ahead of Lamar Jackson. The reigning MVP. I have nothing particular to say about that. Just funny that Colin Cowherd is a millionaire for saying whatever the fuck he wants and when I do that, my Twitter account gets blocked.
But let’s talk about what actually happens when Rob Gronkowski gets off the plane and arrives in Tampa Bay.
Earlier this week, Florida governor, Ron DeSantis, reopened the beaches in the midst of this Coronavirus pandemic and reported 1,400 new cases which is the highest recorded total in a 24-hour span ever.
Do you realize what’s going to happen when Gronk arrives? Do you understand the gravity of this situation?? We are never going to be allowed outside ever again once Gronk’s advanced HPV meets with COVID-19.
We are going to need to do more than just performative clapping on our terraces at 8pm every night to pay homage to health care workers risking their lives battling this virus after Gronk hits the beach and there is a new strain of highly contagious super CoronAIDS.
Not to mention the inevitability of Antonio Brown just showing up and he, Gronk and Brady living in a mansion together that doubles as a petri dish developing brand new humanity erasing diseases that only Bill Gates is currently privy to.
In a micro sense, NFL defenses are doomed. This offense was STACKED last season and the only thing that prevented the Bucs from owning the NFC was the fact that Jameis Winston quite literally couldn’t see the defenders he was throwing bullet passes directly to.
Personally, I think Tom Brady is washed as hell and has nothing left in the tank but I thought that two seasons ago and Gronk carried Tom on his back to another Super Bowl trophy. Gronk, Mike Evans, Chris Godwin and OJ Howard are going to lift up and pass Brady into the playoffs like in Spider-Man 2 after he stops the speeding subway and all the passengers surf his lifeless body along the train.
In the macro, we’re all going to die. Gronk is going to cough once and end mankind.
Thank you, Governor DeSantis, you dumb motherfucker.
And here’s Florida Governor Ron DeSantis putting on his mask… pic.twitter.com/YKLHu7nuBo
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) April 18, 2020
You’ve doomed us all. Professional wrestling is an essential business and you don’t know how to put on a face mask. Now Gronk’s STDs are about to get into the drinking water.
Everyone stay inside and say your final goodbyes to your loved ones. Florida has killed us all.