The NBA Finals are finally starting after a two month break after the conference finals for no reason at all. In order to win a title, it takes a full team effort. Every single player has value.
Let’s rank the players involved in this series based on how important they are to their team’s success.
20. Kevin Durant. KD is going to play zero minutes in this series and he’s already planning meetings with James Dolan and Jerry West. Durant need not even show up to the arena. He’s not on the Warriors anymore. He’s going to be as impactful as you or me.
19. Kyle Lowry. Look, if Kyle Lowry is IMPORTANT to the Raptors then Warriors in 3.
18. Rich Kliemann. The puppetmaster behind the Kevin Durant brand is pressumbly giving KD a shoulder massage right now and whispering in his ear some lies about all the girls he’s going to hook up with at 1 OAK when he signs with the Knicks.
17. Nick Nurse. Vincent Adultman over here just made Dwane Casey, the defending Coach of the Year, look like Derek Fisher.
16. Jonas Jerebko. I mean, someone has to come off the bench, I suppose. Why not Jonas?
15. Serge Ibaka. The Raptors roster is full of ‘no sir, yes sir’ kind men. Guys who love the fundamentals of the game and who live and die by the rules of sportsmanship.
Serge Ibaka is the only guy who will punch you in the face if you step on his new sneakers. Accident or not. He’s swinging.
14. Danny Green. Best basketball players from Long Island: 1. Danny Green 2. Me 3. Tobias Harris.
13. Kevon Looney. Looney’s been mega impressive with his ability to defend on the perimeter at his size as well as his ability to smoothly flow in the old Pre-Durant Warriors offense as a rim runner for Draymond.
It’s a shame Boogie is going to put him in a sleeper hold before Game 2 and take all of his minutes.
12. DeMarcus Cousins. This is Boogie’s last opportunity to get the bag. If he doesn’t play in the finals then chances are, he’s going to have to take another 1-year cheap ‘prove it’ deal. Boogie is going to run onto the court and drop 60 in 5 minutes so he can get that max from the Lakers.
11. Fred VanVleet. Ron Baker’s former teammate went 14-for-17 shooting from 3 in the final three wins against the Bucks in the last series. Kawhi can’t do everything. FVV aka Dominican Barber Drake needs to bring that sharpshooting to this series to compete with Golden State’s relentless 3-point barrage.
10. Pascal Siakam. Did you know Siakam sold more jersey in the US than Lonzo Ball and Gordon Hayward? That feels important.
9. Klay Thompson. Klay is good at shooting 3’s, I’ve read.
8. Marc Gasol. For the last five years, the Golden State Warriors have run big men off the floor. They have rendered opposing centers unplayable.
7. Draymond Green. If Draymond Green can stay on the court without biting a referee or punching Norman Powell in the dick, he can swing this series. He leveled up against Portland and returned to his 2015 form.
That Draymond/Steph pick n roll is a PROBLEM for opposing defenses and they need him to run the fast break if Durant is out for the series.
6. Steph Curry. He’s really good at basketball.
5. Andre Iguodala. We keep be told how important Iguodala is so yea sure, he’s Top 5 in this series or whatever. Kawhi will drop 40 a night on his dome and Iggy will somehow get the Finals MVP because he stopped Kawhi from scoring 50. As is tradition.
4. Patrick McCaw. He has been in the NBA for three years and he’s been in the Finals every single year. The last two years were spent as a deep international spy stealing all of Golden State’s secrets to eventually bring over to another country to crush the Warriors.
3. Drake. The NBA is wildly corny and they are going to shove Jimmy from Degrassi down our throats.
It’s a very strong possibility that Draymond Green spits in Drake’s face. I’m not sure what the in-game consequences of that will be but I’m here for the inevitable jokes.
2. Kawhi Leonard. He has a Finals MVP under his belt and although it’s not an actual trophy, Kawhi deserves the 2019 Playoffs MVP as he’s been carrying Toronto of his back past a far more talented Sixers team. Kawhi made Giannis look like Greek Mario Hezonja.
- Jeremy Lin.
LINSANITY. Everything led to this moment. Jeremy Lin winning an NBA Championship. Longterm storytelling.
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