The NBA often gets discussed as the league with the most player movement but every year in the NFL, teams recycle out their bum ass quarterbacks (often for other team’s bum ass quarterbacks).
So let’s try to predict the Week 1 starting quarterbacks:
Baltimore Ravens: Lamar Jackson
Lamar Jackson has no idea how to throw a football and he’s still better than Joe Flacco. That’s amazing. Big FU to Flacco. I’m actively rooting for Lamar. I love the Ravens 1950 run the ball 100 straight times offense. Every team is airing the ball out and the Ravens don’t have any passing plays in their playbook.
Buffalo Bills: Josh Allen
Josh Allen has continued to the storied legacy of the black starting quarterback in the NFL following the footsteps of Randall Cunningham, Mike Vick
Cincinatti Bengals: Case Keenum
This is the first season that the Bengals can cut Andy Dalton without a cap penalty. It wouldn’t shock me if they brought in Case as a backup and
Cleveland Browns: Baker Mayfield
The Browns wide recivers should just print photos of Hue Jackson’s face on their gloves and Baker Mayfield will throw DARTS directly into their palms every single time.
Denver Broncos: Joe Flacco
8-8 season confirmed. Joe Flacco lost his job and makes $20 million. The Broncos traded a 4th round draft pick for a $20 million backup. Laugh out loud.
Houston Texans: Deshaun Watson
The Houston Texans favorite thing in the world is getting a top QB prospect and having zero offensive line in front of them. RIP David Carr. Watson had to take a bus cross country to a game last season because his rips were too damaged to take a flight. This might be the last year that Watson is alive. RIP.
Indianapolis Colts: Andrew Luck
Andrew Luck BACK. Take all of the things I just said about the Texans not having an offensive line and getting their quarterbacks killed except the Colts decided to stop murdering Luck and actually put an offensive line in front of him. And Luck looked like an MVP. Wow. Magic.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Nick Foles
Remember Blake Bortles? Yea, neither do I.
Kansas City Chiefs: Patrick Mahomes
There are two types of quarterbacks in the NFL: Patrick Mahomes and everyone else. It’s his league now. See ya, Brady.
San Diego Chargers: Philip Rivers
I’m not sure how long Rivers can keep doing this. Roethlisberger led the league in turnovers. Eli Manning doesn’t win games anymore. Rivers has been the same Rivers since day one. Kind of annoying actually.
Miami Dolphins: Blake Bortles
The Dolphins have a new head coach and hopefully he’s been watching the same Ryan Tannehill that the rest of us have been watching and actually moves on from that bum. It’s never a good look when you get hurt and Brock Osweiler comes in to put up pretty much identical stats.
New England Patriots: Tom Brady
New York Jets: Sam Darnold
Sam Darnold aka
Oakland Raiders: Derek Carr
I think the Raiders should move on from Derek Carr. Everyone thinks the Raiders should move on from Derek Carr. But John Gruden is a troll who intentionally does the opposite move out of pure pettiness.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Ben Roethlisberger
I’ve written that I believe the Steelers should keep Antonio Brown and trade Big Ben, the aging quarterback who led the league in inerceptions and ya know, rapes women.
Tennessee Titans: Marcus Mariota
Sometimes I watch Marcus Mariota and think he’s the next one up. Sometimes I watch Marcus Mariota and think ‘I can’t believe I’m watching this piece of shit. I need to go outside. Is this why girls don’t like me? What am I doing with my time?’.
Arizona Cardinals: Kyler Murray
We all know the Cardinals are using the firs pick to draft Murray, right? Like that’s just a fact at this point. Beat it, Josh. Kliff Kingsbury is the captain now and he’s bringing his new bae with him.
Atlanta Falcons: Matt Ryan
Matt Ryan brought the Falcons to the Super Bowl two years ago and it feels like it happened in 2007. You can tell me that Matt Ryan won that MVP Award in 1998 and I’d believe you.
Carolina Panthers: Ryan Fitzpatrick
It’s very possible that Cam Newton won’t be ready after getting shoulder surgery. This is actually a really shitty year for free agent quarterbacks outside of Foles and Teddy Bridgewater and I don’t think Bridgewater wants to sign another 1-year deal to hold Cam’s seat warm so that leaves Fitzpatrick as the best FA available. Yikes.
Chicago Bears: Mitch Trubisky
I keep hearing the Steve Young comparison with Mitch Trubisky. Young was a pure athlete who learned how to play the quarterback position over time. That is the most
Dallas Cowboys: Dak Prescott
It’s basically a coin flip whether or not Tony Romo comes back with Witten and takes his job back from Dak but as of right now, it’s Dak’s job.
Detroit Lions: Matt Stafford
Green Bay Packers: Aaron Rodgers
Aaron Rodgers had one lackluster season in over a decade and everyone is ready to say that he’s an asshole that no one likes. I watched the season of The Bachelorette with his brother on it. I don’t blame Rodgers for not wanting to talk to that weirdo.
Los Angeles Rams: Jared Goff
The last time we saw Jared Goff he looked like he had never played football before. I still have no idea if he’s good or not but he’s definitely the starting QB next year so get excited LA.
Minnesota Vikings: Kirk Cousins
$84 million guaranteed.
New Orleans Saints: Drew Brees
Drees has a roster full of young stars like Alvin Kamara, Michael Thomas
New York Giants: Eli Manning
Your parents refuse to get a divorce and now it’s just sad. They’re clearly pretending to like each other in front of the kids. A brutal divorce is coming as it’s very clear that ownership is flirting with the sexy young Dwane Haskins.
Philadelphia Eagles: Carson Wentz
Carson Wentz won’t be the starting quarterback in Week 17 because that’s just not what he does. But for Week 1, it’s Cason Wentz time, babyyyy.
San Francisco 49ers: Jimmy Garoppolo
It’s pretty weird that Jimmy G hurt his name and was never mentioned ever again. When he was banging porn stars, it’s all the talking heads would ever argue about but now no one seems to care about his existence.
Seattle Seahawks: Russell Wilson
There was a rumor that Russell Wilson wants to play in New York and I Was HYPED. Then I looked into it and realized that Colin Cowherd just made that shit up on his radio show where he says Aaron Rodgers isn’t as good as Tom Brady because one time he wore his hat backwards or some garbage.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Jameis Winston
Jameis Winston and new head coach Bruce Arians appear to have a healthy relationship which is a shame because Jameis stinks and will 1000% be responsible for Arians getting fired.
Washington Redskins: Josh Rosen
It’s being reported that the Redskins want Josh Rosen and it’s also being reported that the Cardinals very much do not want Josh Rosen. Oh, and Alex Smith doesn’t have legs anymore. Colt McCoy won’t be the Redskins starting quarterback next season. That’s not a thing that’s happening.