There are three weeks left in the regular season and the AFC is a bloodbath right now with everyone devouring each other as the final seats fade away in musical chairs.
But it’s fair to say that not all of these teams fighting for playoff spots are actually fun to watch. It’s not going to be super fun to watch Lamar Jackson teabag a shitty team in the first half as the Ravens blow them out so badly that Jackson doesn’t even play past the 2nd quarter.
I want exciting matchups. I want fireworks and lightening and dinosaurs. Maaaaad CGI and shit.
So let’s rank these AFC Wildcard teams based on who will be the most exciting to watch:
9. New York Jets
Adam Gase is the biggest fraud in the NFL and I cannot stand the idea of him adding another playoff appearance under his belt so that once he gets fired at the end of 2020 he can fail upwards to another coaching job because assholes on ESPN will drop that he led the Jets to the playoffs and deserves another shot even Sam Darnold is out here seeing ghosts.
Get Adam Gase OUT of my life.
8. Denver Broncos
The Broncos are on this list solely to afford me the opportunity to mock the idea of Joe Flacco brooding on the sidelines in back-to-back seasons as he watches the rookie quarterback that stole his job and had FAR more success with the team than he did.
Based on recent precedents, expect Drew Lock to win the 2020 NFL MVP after Lamar Jackson wins it this year all on Flacco’s grave.
7. Indianapolis Colts
Full disclosure: this list was originally seven teams deep and the Colts were dead last because man, do I not enjoy watching this boring ass team miss 21-yard field goals like they’re supposed to miss them.
But I had to add the Jets and Broncos to get some things off my chest. But yea, I need the Colts OUT of here. Patrick Mahomes would run them out of the gym.
6. Pittsburgh Steelers
If you can promise me that Mason Rudolph gets his ass beat in every game then I will shoot the Steelers up to No. 1 with a bullet. Need the NFL to implement a new rule where you’re allowed to rip Mason’s helmet off at any time and bludgeon him with it or else I’m out on Pittsburgh.
This Duck Hodges thing is cute or whatever but I’m not in a huge rush to get more of his 136.4 passing yards per game. Young Case Keenum out there. Republican Dwayne Haskins.
5. Oakland Raiders
The Oakland Raiders are truly on their Harvey Dent shit. At this point, I genuinely believe that Jon Gruden flips in the coin in the locker room before kickoff and let’s chance decide whether or not this team is going to actually try.
Games are boring when both teams are having a punt competition. You know what’s not boring? Seeing the Oakland Raiders get blown out by 40 points in the AFC Wildcard Round by the time the bartender hands me my first beer.
OR, seeing them randomly put up 35 points on the Houston Texans out of nowhere with Maxx Crosby getting 8 sacks on DeShaun Watson and Josh Jacobs running for 200 yards. Let’s see how that coin flip goes.
4. Tennesee Titans
The Tennesee Titans are probably going to win the AFC South considering Ryan Tannehill simply does not lose football games. Tannehill has only played 9 games this season and has as many touchdown passes as Jared Goff and Baker Mayfield.
Of all the AFC Wildcard Teams, the Tennesse Titans are the most surprising this season. I could’ve sworn that Ryan Tannehill was trash but this just goes back to Adam Gase being the biggest fraud in the league. That ‘quarterback whisperer’ couldn’t get this level of production from Tannehill yet somehow was given the keys to the Jets.
Also, want/need to see Derrick Henry stiff arm a defender into the Earth’s crust for a 75-yard touchdown run. Am…am I a Titans fan? *vomits*
3. Houston Texans
My favorite play in sports is seeing the pocket collapse around Deshaun Watson as he launches the ball 70 yards to the endzone for DeAndre Hopkins while a defensive lineman spears him into the grass.
OH MY FUCK— Dead Serious (@Deadseriousness) September 10, 2019
DESHAUN WATSON 2020 pic.twitter.com/DoA3atROyY
2. Cleveland Browns
I’m so conflicted. Part of me wants to never see the Cleveland Browns ever win another football game in the Baker Mayfield era and another part of me wants to see Baker Mayfield get embarrassed and fail with all eyes on him.
Baker is last in touchdown-to-interception ratio and last in quarterback rating. He went 11-for-24 against the Bengals last week before shitting on his team’s training staff for no reason. Can’t wait to see who he’d attack in the post game press conference after 68-year old Tom Brady outplays him.
1. Buffalo Bills
Are you new here? Deadseriousness is a Josh Allen fan page. Anything can happen when Allen snaps the football. He can instantly fumble the ball, pick it up and sprint for a 20-yard gain that includes him lowering his shoulder and bulldozing a middle linebacker in the open field.
Or he can throw an 80-yard bomb to John Brown or Cole Beasley. Or he can drop back and with the pocket collapsing around, he can dodge defensive lineman to extend the play only to rocket a bullet directly into an opposing cornerback’s chest that the cornerback runs back for an interception.