Please Don’t Follow Me on Twitter

I really need to pay closer attention. I didn’t read my contract to work here. Who reads any of that stuff? We all mindlessly check boxes, agree to terms and load apps that see all our information. I should have known when I had to sign the contract in blood. Ha! Loophole! It didn’t say my blood and good luck finding that hobo now.

Now that I’m reading it closer, I see I gave King Lester the right to name my first born. Whatever, it’s gonna be a Zika baby, so he can deal with it.

And now I have to use my Twitter account. Apparently, Twitter is driving our views these days. I’ll be honest here; I don’t like Twitter, let alone give to you knuckleheads. We all do the same thing whenever we friend someone on Facebook or follow someone on Twitter.

So you accept a friend request on Facebook. The first thing you do (and don’t act like you don’t) is stalk the living shit out of your new friend. If they’re hot, you ALWAYS check their pictures first. Maybe you get right to business and look through the thumb nails of their albums, looking for their beach photos. Or maybe you prefer the suspense, and just slowly click through all their pictures, you romantic bastard. You read their entire wall for the last year. You see what bands they like, what shows they watch, what sports they follow. Then, you cruise through their friends and peep the hotties. We all do it, and we don’t need a support group because it’s not a damn problem.

Facebook and Twitter are basically the same thing. We all know those people who have far too many posts/Tweets and far too many friends. Like, really, who, legit, has a thousand friends in real life? No one. So what does it say when someone has a thousand (or more) friends on Facebook? It says they are not to be trusted. If I see someone has a thousand friends or more on FB, I generally won’t friend them. Twitter is much the same thing. As of now, I have a whopping 20 followers, and I am skeptical of 12 of them. Some of the regular people have thousands of Tweets. Like, doesn’t anyone have a job anymore? And I’m pretty sure 98% of those Tweets are steaming and utter bullshit. I’m sorry, but if you got that many tweets, you can’t have much important to say. Just because your smart phone can take pictures and magically connect to Twitter doesn’t mean you have to do it 30 times a day. I’m pretty sure if people had to pay even a dime per Tweet, it would drastically cut down on the bull shit. What’s worse is those same people are following like thousands of people? Who has this kind of time?

Then you have these people that just retweet celebrity Tweets, or constantly Tweet at celebrities. I feel true, deep pity for these dipshits. Screw the wall around the Mexicans, we need a wall around people who just Tweet at celebrities all day. I may not have much experience at Twitter, but I am pretty sure Katy Perry and the Beebs don’t care what yo broke ass has to say. Get a life, loser.

I’ll cut to the chase. Maybe you will follow me @ifyouseekev. Maybe you won’t follow me @ifyouseekev. But if you do choose to follow me @ifyouseekev, here’s what you’ll see (as of 9/14)

I am following 53 people. Actually, 54, I just followed @DeadSeriuosness, and you should, too!  Many of those I’ve added since I got back on. I have a whopping 20 followers, none of whom are Perry or Bieber.  You will also see I stopped Tweeting for 2 years. I guess I had a life until recently. I have a whopping 558 Tweets. Many of my Tweets revolve around humor, music, hockey, pop culture, racing, football, drinking, jokes and wrestling. No, I’m not 17, I just act that way. That’s what you’ll get if you follow me. And I promise to not use 30 hashtags ever damn Tweet.

What I am shocked about is the number of accounts I follow of naked or near naked girls. It’s quite embarrassing, actually. But I’m pretty sure all the cute puppy dog accounts I follow will make me presentable to your mom. Life in balance, people.

So I will Twit as the inspiration hits me. Jokes mostly, I promise no pictures of dinner or beers, because it all looks the same. Twit me if you feel the need, the drunker and the later, the better. Did you hate something I wrote? Well, I can’t imagine that, but let me know. Did you laugh until you peed yourself, which is understandable? Shout me @ifyouseekev. I anxiously await your thoughts.

Actually, most of the above paragraph is sarcastic. Really, please, don’t bother me.


Written by Kevin McFadden


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