I, For One, Welcome Our Evil Clown Overlords

There are many issues plaguing our country. One need to look no further than the upcoming election to see the issues raised. Racism is still running rampant, as any look at the comments section of a Facebook article will attest. The water situation in Flint. GMOs in our food. Gay rights. But there are issues that the mainstream media doesn’t give any coverage to. Questions the candidates weren’t asked.


Yes, that’s right, I am talking about the upcoming clown infestation.

Over the last few weeks, there have been “clown sightings” in Virginia, Florida (no surprise there), Georgia, South Carolina and Colorado among others. In some cases, there have even been Facebook pages of said clowns. Looks like the clowns have come a long way and are learning to use our technology. This is how it begins.

In a Pennsylvania sighting, there was an anonymous tip that there was a car full of clowns, possibly armed. The police couldn’t locate any such car, which is probably a good thing; you know how many clowns can jam themselves into one car? We’d had to have called the National Guard in for back up.

So, is there some sort of underground clown network? I have a theory that they are aligned with the train riding hobos, that have a world and communication all their own. On some level, you have to appreciate their commitment to apparently scaring the shit out of people. Maybe this is just a sign of our times. Creepy is no longer creepy. One just can’t be unkempt, drinking a 40 out of a paper bag by the dumpster behind a 7-11. Now, there’s people putting work into it.

It’s not like one can just quickly dress up like a clown. No, you need time to do the make up, put on the costume, tie the 10 sizes too big shoes. And it’s not like you can quickly undress as well. You gotta be pretty dedicated to be a scary clown.

Another theory of mine is that these clowns are the logical progression of guys like these:

Think about it; these douchebags have aged. No amount of makeup can cover up all the skin damage they’ve done with tanning. Their bodies have wilted away after years of drug abuse. Old and bitter, they have traded in the orange Oompa Loompa make up for clown make up. They still meet with other clowns-Italian, mostly-and instead of hanging out at the club, they now drink their Vodka Red Bulls out in the woods, then go wander about town.

Despite the two circuses left, clowns have evolved into something scary. It used to be clowns were nothing more than people who wear too much make up, have bad hair, wear strange clothes and act a little funny. Just like my Aunt Lisa. Now, they are machete wielding madmen (c’mon, there are no girl clowns) looking to eviscerate me. The scary clown imagery has never gone away. Go into any Halloween store (they’ve been open since the 4th of July) and there is pretty much a dedicated “killer clown” section. We’re only feeding those monsters!


Sure, in some cases this could be viral advertising, as has been proven in one case.  And there is a remake of It coming out soon. But, if we’re talking viral campaigns, I’m a big fan of what The Conjuring 2 did, and at least they did it to people who just saw the movie.


Now that I think about it, just having a bunch of nuns wandering around is far scarier than clowns to me. I went to Catholic school, and I can tell you, I’ve seen evil, evil nuns with my very own eyes. Can you imagine if you’re driving down a dark road, and all of a sudden, these nuns just start waking out of the woods? They don’t need to be made up like Valak (that would be the nun above) or floating in the air. I see a bunch of nuns, I run the other freaking way. I don’t care if there are clowns in my way; I’d take my odds against Bozo and Doink over Sister Mary Francis and Sister Delores Abigail.

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