Being a horse girl is a way of life. Horseback riding. Pony paraphernalia. Long gross uncombed waist-length greasy hair. Colorful scrunchies. A devotion to the Jonas Brothers. Thin nonexistent lips. Wealthy parents. Claiming to have Native American ancestry. A vast collection of American Girl Dolls. A genuine understanding of the length of a horse dick.
And to the surprise of no one, Madison Bumgarner is a horse girl.
Apparently Bumgarner has secretly been competing in rodeos under the name Mason Saunders, which is somehow the one name on Earth that sounds whiter than Madison Bumgarner. My man once earned $26,000 in a team roping event this past December and I’m not totally sure what those words mean.
My favorite part of this story is the origin of his name. Madison says Mason is the name his wife calls him in public so people are thrown off the scent and don’t realize the 2014 World Series MVP is walking past them which is hilarious considering 50% of the people who would recognize him enough to not automatically know who he is but still faintly know he’s a famous Giants pitcher would probably already think his name is Mason.
“Oh, hey TOM. What should we have for lunch TOM” -Tim Lincecum’s wife fooling no one.
Last season, Bumgarner was in daily trade talks as he was in the final year of his contract and the Giants were out of postseason contention all year. The problem was, Bumgarner had a no-trade clause and basically ruled out every big city team like Chicago and New York.
It all makes sense now. Cowboy Bumgarner needs a ranch and the smell of fresh cow shit in order to find peace. Horse girls can’t survive in The Bronx. The only horses allowed in New York City are carrying cops that either just beat up a defenseless Latino teen who hopped the Subway turnstiles or is just about to.
Congrats to the Arizona Diamondbacks for looking down Madison Bumgarner to a 5-year $85 million deal. This is a man who missed MONTHS in 2017 after falling off his fucking dirt bike.
He has 3 World Series rings, a World Series MVP and now $85 milly for the next five years. Yes, I’m sure he is super focused on baseball now that he’s in Arizona, where he can freely rodeo all day every day with no regard for his start against the Rockies or whatever.