The free agency/trade period has come to an end and some massive NFL tectonic plates have shifted. Superstars were traded because they have bad attitudes or something. Teams wasted money on players that won’t help them win, as is tradition.
Here are the post-free agency power rankings:
32. New York Giants
If it were possible to put the Giants lower on this list, they’d be there. Every single move they made this offseason made them worse and they were the worst already.
You do not trade Odell Beckham for the 17th pick and a safety to replace the All-Pro safety you just let walk in free agency. You do not overpay for Golden Tate after trading away the All-Pro receiver you already had. This is awful team building/decision making.
Dave Gettleman is on the beach somewhere ignoring texts as he mentally prepares himself to draft another running back in the first round for no reason.
31. Miami Dolphins
The Miami Dolphins are clearly tanking for Tua Tagovailoa and they’re not even trying to hide it. Luke Falk was their QB1 for two weeks before they decided that was TOO obvious so they brought in Ryan Fitzpatrick to give their fans at least one 50 point game in Week 2.
The Dolphins are about to become the first franchise to go both 16-0 and 0-16 only to be gifted with the best quarterback prospect since Andrew Luck.
30. Detroit Lions
The Lions signed Trey Flowers and Justin Coleman, two former Patriots. Matt Patricia is recruiting his guys to
29. Cincinnati Bengals
Andy Dalton no longer has any guaranteed dollars on his contract which means Cincinnati can cut him and finally move on from annual 8-8 seasons. Buuuut Andy Dalton is still on the roster. Oh no.
Perhaps their plan is to murder Dalton because they re-signed Bobby Hart, one of the worst offensive linemen in the NFL. Sort of have to respect the plan. You don’t want to disrespect Dalton by cutting him or trading him for like, a 6th rounder so just send him out there behind one of the worst offensive lines and let nature happen. Darwinism is undefeated.
28. Washington Redskins
Shout out to Washington for skating under the radar all season long. While everyone debates over the Giants, Cowboys
Now they have Case Keenum running out there while Alex Smith learns to walk again and no one is shitting on them. They are the quiet kid in class who somehow gets away with never having to participate even though participation is 25% of the final grade.
27. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Jameis Winston announced that he’s adding around 30 pounds and plans to play at 250 pounds which would make him the heaviest quarterback in the NFL. Did anything think that Winston’s problem was his weight?….
Bruce Arians came out of retirement to coach the Bucs and he could very well be fired before he gets to buy some more of those goofy painters hats that he likes to wear.
26. Oakland Raiders
The Raiders literally could not afford to pay Amari Cooper and Khalil Mack because they didn’t have the liquid capital in the bank to afford their signing bonuses so they had no choice but to sign them.
Fast forward a year, and Oakland is throwing around money like Ebenezer Scrooge after the three ghosts told him he ain’t shit. Jon Gruden is pretty much our Ebenezer Scrooge.
25. Arizona Cardinals
It’s tough to judge the Cardinals before the draft considering that by this time next month, they could have an entire different team and quarterback situation.
The Cardinals probably won’t draft Kyler Murray. There are too many reports saying that it’s a done deal. Seems like a smoke screen to drive up the price so they can trade down.
Orrrr it’s just the NFL and everyone is dumb and Arizona will have two young quarterbacks bullying each other to get Kliff Kingsbury’s attention.
24. Pittsburgh Steelers
The Pittsburgh Steelers lost the best wide receiver and best running back. Juju Smith-Shuster and James Connor are great or whatever but they’re not Antonio Brown and Le’Veon Bell.
Plus, Ben Roethlisberger led the league in turnovers last season. He did not get younger. His arm didn’t get stronger and more accurate. He’s not going to suddenly make better decisions. And now Bell and Brown can’t bail him out. Steelers about to suuuuuck.
23. Jacksonville Jaguars
Nick Foles tricked a team into giving him the bag and OF
Nick Foles is ready to fufill his destiny as the next man up.
22. Carolina Panthers
The team made him play every game last year even though he clearly couldn’t throw anymore. Every pass was underthrown. You could see the anguish on his face every time he went through the throwing motion. If Cam is back and ready to go Week 1 then it’ll be a football miracle.
21. Tennesee Titans
Marcus Mariota has never stayed healthy enough to start all 16 games in his career.
20. New York Jets
The New York Jets had all the money in the world and spent all of the money in the world. Le’Veon Bell. Trevor Siemian. Jameson Crowder. CJ Mosley. Everyone except Anthony Barr.
Anddd they’ll still find a way to lose to the Patriots twice next season because
19. San Francisco 49ers
Jimmy Garoppolo is the 4th highest paid quarterback in the NFL (and was 2nd before Kirk Cousins and Aaron Rodgers signed). 4th highest paid QB. Still not 100% sure he’s ever thrown a pass. Need more data.
Fortunately, it won’t even matter because Kyle Shannahan is an offensive mastermind and turned Nick Mullens into a Hall-of-Famer. Plus, they’re about to add Nick Bosa, a transendent pass rusher. Prettyyy, pretty good.
18. Denver Broncos
The Broncos traded for Joe Flacco. Next.
17. New England Patriots
The Patriots consistently have the worst offseasons. They start seasons at a comfortable 3-4 record before heading into their bye week with zero talented football players and Tom Brady playing like a 60-year old man.
The Patriots will probably win the Super Bowl. So come back to
16. Buffalo Bills
That’s right, the AFC East belongs to Buffalo now. Josh Allen to Antonio Brown all day every day. Eat a dick, Belichick. That’s the best one-two combo in the NFL and it’s not even close.
Wait, what’s what? Pardon? Antonio Brown isn’t on the Bills? But Ian Rappaport sai—
15. Chicago Bears
In 2016, the New York Giants had the No. 1 ranked defense. They fell off a cliff the following season. In 2017, the Jacksonville Jaguars had the No. 1 ranked defense. Do you see the picture being painted here?
The Bears defense will most likely fall off which means Mitch Trubisky is going to need to step up. Look at those two previous examples. Has Trubisky done anything to make you think he’s going to be better than Eli Manning and Blake Bortles? Trick question: no.
14. Seattle Seahawks
As you read this, Russell Wilson is currently holding a gun up to Pete Carroll’s head demanding to be the highest paid player and he’s definitely about to get exactly what he wants which is hilarious because Pete Carroll is STILL ignoring Earl Thomas’s calls.
13. Minnesota Vikings
The Vikings spent all of their money on Kirk Cousins last offseason and this year they had no cash left to put better pieces around Cousins which really makes you question why you would sign Cousins to that massive of a deal if Adam Thielen, Stefon Diggs and Dalvin Cook aren’t good enough of weapons to win.
NFL GM Pro Tip: don’t sign average quarterbacks to massive contracts.
12. Atlanta Falcons
Everyone and their mothers were injured last season. All of their defensive playmakers were long gone. All of the protection in front of Matt Ryan was long gone. It was Matt Ryan, Julio Jones and a bunch of guys off the practice squad.
The Falcons are a big team to watch at this year’s draft. If they have a draft like New Orleans did a few years ago where they supplemented their stars by drafting Alvin Kamara and Marshon Lattimore.
11. Baltimore Ravens
The Baltimore Ravens let Michael Crabtree go it appears as though they’re going all in on running a 1950’s Army style football. The NFL has gone all in on the passing game while Baltimore is doubling down on the running game.
Lamar Jackson and Mark Ingram are going to just slam their heads into defensive linemen for 2-3 yards at a time. Plus, the clock is going to be running the entire time. Ravens games are going to be done in 47 minutes.
10. San Diego Chargers
The Chargers had an amazing 2018 season. We were ready to finally give Philip Rivers the props he deserved for his outstanding career. All they had to do was make it to the Super Bowl. They didn’t even have to win it. Just get there.
Anddd then the Chargers did what they’ve done for the last two decades. Crumble in the playoffs and make Bill Belichick look like he’s using cheat codes. They had the perfect gameplan to stop Lamar Jackson. And then decided to use that same exact gameplan against 60-year old Tom Brady. Booooooo.
9. Green Bay Packers
There is a big story this week detailing the extremely catty mean girls ‘you can’t sit with us’ relationship between Aaron Rodgers and former Packers head coach Mike McCarthy. Long story short, they hated each other which is good news for the new coach, Matt
The actual good news is that last season, Rodgers survived a knee injury Week 1 and was limping all year long. This year, he’s 100% healthy and their weak 2018 season means they’ll have a better draft coming up to supplement their roster.
8. New Orleans Saints
*whispers* pass interference.
7. Dallas Cowboys
Typically, the Cowboys tend to land at the bottom of these power rankings exclusively because this is Giants country and the Cowboys can suck a dick but Dallas made a huge move this offseason and they deserve credit: they saved us from Jason Witten on Monday Night Football.
They’re also about to drop a massive bag on Dak Prescott which is hilarious because that’s going to cripple their salary cap and their celing is Dak Prescott. HAHAHAHA.
6. Philadelphia Eagles
The Eagles acquired Malik Jackson, DeSean Jackson, Jordan Howard and Carson Wentz is returning from injury. The Eagles became one of the best front offices seemingly overnight and the NFC East is theirs to lose.
Unfortunately, they lost Nick Foles so they’ll never win another playoff game again. Carson WEntz needs a closer.
5. Houston Texans
The Texans lost Honeybadger so that may alter their defensive strategy a bit but DeShaun Watson to DeAndre Hopkins is still a Top 5 QB-WR combo in this league. No receiver has better hands than Hopkins.
This is true with every single team but um, Houston should probably continue to build their offensive line. Last season, Watson was beat up so badly that he literally had to take a bus across country to a game because his ribs couldn’t handle a plan ride. Not great.
4. Indianapolis Colts
Shout out to the Colts for entering the offseason with the most money to spend and then not really spending any of it. But that’s more indicative of how great this Colts roster already is.
Andrew Luck is fully healthy and is all the way back to being a once in a generation talent. And he might have the best offensive line in front of him. If Patrick Mahomes is the best quarterback in the league, where does Luck rank? (You don’t have to answer. He’s No. 2)
3. Kansas City Chiefs
When do we start talking about how terrible the NFL Overtime rules are and Kansas City should’ve 1000% been in the Super Bowl? When do we talk about the fact that the Chiefs would’ve 1000% won the Super Bowl playing against that Rams team that played like they didn’t even want to be there? Never? Ok.
2. Cleveland Browns
The Cleveland Browns and the New York Giants had a Freaky Friday body switch. The Giants are the worst franchise in sports and the Browns are Super Bowl favorites.
The Browns robbed the Giants of Odell Beckham and Olivier Vernon in the middle of the night. As extremely stupid it was to sign Kareem Hunt, we can’t ignore how massive that move could potentially be.
Oh, and Baker Mayfield woke up randomly one morning last year and decided to be one of the most accurate passers in the NFL. Pray for the league.
1.Los Angeles Rams
All of the 2018 Deadseriousness Power Rankings had the Los Angeles Rams at No. 1…
YOU THINK A SILLY LITTLE SUPER BOWL LOSS IS GOING TO CHANGE SHIT?! THE RAMS ARE AMERICA’S TEAM NOW, BABYYY. SEAN MCVAY JARED GOFF TODD GURLEY WITHOUT KNEES CLAY MATTHEWS COMING TO PILEDRIVE YOUR QUARTERBACK.
The Los Angeles Rams are still the best team, fuck what you heard.