Never Stop Hitting Jose Altuve With Pitches

Jose Altuve has played one Spring Training game and couldn’t make it out alive without getting beaned in his 3rd at-bat, an outcome that feels inevitable this season.

I’ve watched this hit by pitch no less than 1,000 just analyzing whether or not it was truly an intentional beaning or if it’s just Spring Training and Detroit Tigers pitcher, Nick Ramirez, simply lost control because it’s February.

(I don’t care that it was an offspeed pitch off his knee. It was intentional).

Jose Altuve deserves every negative thing that happens to him from this point forward after STEALING both an MVP award from Aaron Judge and a World Series trophy from the Los Angeles Dodgers in 2017 and then immediately playing the victim card after MLB gave the Astros the weakest slap on the wrist punishments in the history of history.

Houston proceeded to cheat in 2018 and many people within baseball are convinced that Altuve was wearing a buzzer under his jersey in the 2019 playoffs. We’ll never know the truth because this tiny-dicked sociopath will never admit to how he cheated the game of baseball.

I truly believe that using technology to instantly know what type of pitch is coming is astronomically more grotesque than using steroids or human growth hormones. Steroids allows you to hit a ball harder. Cool. You still have to guess what the pitcher is throwing and you still have the cat and mouse game that makes every single plate appearance feel like a chess match.

Once you remove that guessing game and you can just sit on a fastball then what in the fuck is a pitcher supposed to do to get an out? They might as well set up a tee for you.

Jose Altuve’s inability to truly apologize and his weird dumb excuses for not wanting his jersey ripped off after hitting a game-winning homer to advance to the World Series last season is worthy of a fastball to the face every time he steps up to the plate.

If Rob Manfred isn’t going to punish the Astros then it’s up to the rest of the league to take matters into their own hands and introduce the only consequences they can: fastballs to the dome.

I pray that an Astro gets hit by a pitch and attempts to charge the mound because it doesn’t matter who attacks the pitcher because once the benches clear, it’s all out war. Alex Bregman is getting powerbombed into a dugout and Jose Altuve is getting a cleat to the eye.

I can’t wait.











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Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

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