Netflix makes awful shows and Too Hot To Handle is definitely one of those awful shows.
Their entire business model is just to have the most nonsense on their streaming platform that way we feel like we’re getting what we paid for but I will never sit down and watch a program called Money Heist. That is the most redundant shit ever. Of course it’s a money heist. That’s the default outcome of a heist. Art heist makes more sense because it’s a variation on what the typical heist would be: for money. That would be like re-naming the Aliens movies to ‘Aliens in Space’.
But I digress. And I hate Netflix.
But what separates Too Hot To Handle from Netflix’s standard lazy low quality programming is that this reality show takes 10 ‘hot’ sex addicts and places them on a tropical island under the guise of just weeks of drunken orgies, only to surprise them with rules that prohibit any sort of sexual contact.
One of the contestants literally cries when they hear they’re not allowed to fuck.
As someone who has sex once every 20 months and has to spend those 20 months begging someone to participate in the act with me, I totallyyyy understand these people’s tears when they found out there was no sex on the island. The only thing stopping me from banging Francesca and Chloe is that I didn’t answer the same vague Craigslist ad they did. Also my looks, personality, bank account, self-esteem and overall demeanor.
10 wildly horny assholes who spend more time at the gym or watching makeup tutorials then they do seriously contemplating the fragility of human life, are forced to find meaningful connections with each other prior to having sex otherwise they forfeit money from their initial $100,00 collective prize money pool every time they pet each other.
There is a space odyssey Hal-esque device named Lana that watches their every move and dishes out penalties for misbehavior as well as guides these fully engorged sex fiends into actually seeking a connection with another human being outside of just wanting to ejaculate all over each other.
We all need a Lana in our life to warn us not to sleep with someone we know we shouldn’t and not ever stopping us from doing so but telling us after the fact that we shouldn’t have done it and then taking $10,000 out of our bank account for doing so.
There’s not much depth in this show outside of that and there doesn’t need to be. This is the perfect quarantine show. None of us are having sex so it’s good to see that being reflected in our pop culture. Even the hot ones aren’t humping. We are all in this together. Alexa, play Gal Gadot’s version of John Lennon’s Imagine.
But this show has heart in the form of the young British gawd, David, who in the span of one episode manages to get rejected by two different girls but manages to form a strong enough bond with New Jersey’s finest asshole, Sharron, that David turns down a girl in order for Sharron to find love with her.
People may hate Millenials for a bunch of circumstances completely out of their control but you cannot say that they don’t stand for something. Bros before hoes is honestly a more committed and noble ideology than anything Boomers pretend to believe in.
Too Hot To Handle is what the world needs right now. Sure, it’s a brainless premise that on its surface provides no value to its viewers but it’s important for us to learn that hot people are just like us. They hurt and feel and yearn and throw away money in order to hump just like us.
I’d rather watch 10 more hours of that dude Bryce—who is for sure homeless and just lives on a boat—sing offkey to woo a girl who is too horny to realize she is pursuing a special needs on artist then watch Joe Exotic brutally mistreat tigers as a scroll through unfunny Carole Baskin is a murderer memes.