This was one of the most exciting trade deadline’s we’ve had in years. Teams are taking massive swings now that LeBron James has decided to move to Los Angeles and make himself irrelevant.
So who won the 2019 NBA trade deadline?
30. Dallas Mavericks
The Mavs pulled a heist on the New York Knicks Ocean’s Eleven
29. Memphis Grizzlies
I can at least attempt to wrap my head around what most of these teams did during the trade deadline. I’m still sitting here trying to figure out the benefits of trading away Marc Gasol and JaMychal Green for Avery Bradley, Jonas Valanciunas and Delon Wright while also keeping Mike Conley and bringing Chandler Parsons back into the rotation.
Are they tanking or trying to finish like, 10th in the West?
28. Cleveland Cavaliers
Alec Burks and Rodney Hood, gone. Brandon Knight, Marquese Chriss, in. JR Smith, still home. Kevin Love is, I don’t know, dead? Collin Sexton, here as fuck.
27. Orlando Magic
The Orlando Magic gameplan is simple: acquire young talent. Trap them in Orland for 2-3 years. Don’t develop them at all. And then once their value is completely diminished, trade them away for some young talent and repeat the cycle.
Markelle Fultz doesn’t stand a chance.
26. New Orleans Pelicans
The Pelicans get brownie points for planting seeds of doubt within the Lakers locker room by pretending to be interested in trading Anthony Davis there just so they can publicly leak which players LeBron is willing to trade.
Buuuut by doing that, they pretty much shot a cannon through their own pirate ship as now they have to akwardly bring Anthony Davis back after he made it loud and clear he’d rather be playing basketball anywhere else but New Orleans.
25. Phoenix Suns
Let’s goooo, Phoenix finally got their point guard to pair with Devin Booker in the back court. Look out, NBA. Tyler Johnson is here.
24. Los Angeles Lakers
LeBron James just suffered the worst loss in his ENTIRE career after a 42-point beatdown by the Victor Oladipo-less Indiana Pacers. And what’s worse, Lavar Ball is BACK preaching the gospel of Big Baller Brand right in the midst of the chaos. LeBron might just demand a trade to New Orleans to go play with Anthony Davis there and get away from Brandon Ingram.
22. Chicago Bulls
The Bulls could potentially land Zion Williamson and instead have chosen to go after Otto Porter at the trade deadline thus locking them into a financial stranglehold while also acquiring a player that’s just good enough to fuck up their draft position.
21. Washington Wizards
The Wizards had a real up and down week. On one hand, they FINALLY got rid of Otto Porter Jr who is one of the highest paid players in the NBA and is in no way deserving to be one of the highest paid players in the NBA. Washington can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
On the other hand, John Wall had a series of serious lower body injuries and will probably need up to two seasons to return to full form and recently, full form has kind of sucked.
But Otto Porter gone. Pop bottles.
20. Detroit Pistons
The Pistons are one loss away from the 8th seed in the East, which is perposterous considering how terrible the bottom half of the Eastern Conference is. But not to worry because they’ve acquired
Svi Mykhailiuk and Thon Maker. #PrayForTheEast
19. Miami Heat
Miami is playing keep away with the 8th seed which has to end soon considering that they traded away Tyler Johnson and Wayne Ellington. But who knows? Don’t let Ryan Anderson get hot. Dion Waiters might fuck around and steal the 1 seed.
18. Minnesota Timberwolves
I know I can easily Google it but I just realized I have no idea who replaced Tom Thibodeau as the new Timberwolves general manager but it also wouldn’t shock me if they just never hired one which would explain why they left their phone on do not disturb on the day of the trade deadline.
17. Boston Celtics
Yo, the Celtics STINK. They are the only team in the NBA that can go on a 5-game winning streak and look like they’re poised for a deep playoff run only to let Landry Shamet drop 13 points in the 4th quarter on their domes as they blow a 28-point lead to the fucking Clippers.
16. Charlotte Hornets
The Hornets needed Marc Gasol. The Hornets needed to dump salary. They needed draft picks. They got absolutely nothing from the trade deadline which means they plan on re-signing Kemba to the supermax and just running back the same exact team next year. Michael Jordan is drunk as hell right now at a roullette table betting his son’s life on black.
15. Atlanta Hawks
Fun fact: at the their current record, the Hawks have a better chance statistically at making the playoffs than they do securing the worst record in the league. As much as I very much enjoy mocking Atlanta for trading away Luka for Trae, the Hawks are actually a
14. Brooklyn Nets
The Nets are doing basketball stuff out there, I’m told.
13. New York Knicks
I’m not a foolish Knicks fan that believes having unlimited cap space automatically means that Kevin Durant and Kawhi Leonard are on the way. I’ve seen this movie too many times. I already know how it ends. When the Knicks have money, guys like Aaron Afflalo, Courtney Lee and Tim Hardaway get it all.
But I am a foolish enough of a Knicks fan to put them 13th on this list even though they’ve lost 16 consecutive basketball games but DENNIS SMITH JR THOOOOO.
12. Portland Trailblazers
(I have no real opinions on the Blazers this week to be honest).
11. San Antonio Spurs
The Spurs are for sure Spurs-ing it up out there. That’s cool.
10. Sacramento Kings
I’m told Harrison Barnes is good and as the 4th option for this team with playoff experience, he is just enough to hold the Lakers out of the 8th seed. He’s averaging 17 points a game and can take the pressure off Buddy Hield and De’Aaron Fox when the games get more intense down the home stretch.
But the real reason why the Kings are in the Top 10 is the
Eat a dick, DeAndre Ayton.
9. Los Angeles Clippers
The Los Angeles Clippers won the Trade Deadline and it isn’t particularly close. They pulled the same manuver that the Knicks did in order to open up room for two max contracts but unlike New York, the Clippers could still make the playoffs and didn’t give way the best talent in franchise history for this generation’s Steve Francis but it’s fine. I’ve moved on. I’m not still upset.
Tobias Harris was 1000% going to leave in free agency and Los Angeles was able to flip him for two
8. Denver Nuggets
Remember when the Denver Nuggets were the 1 Seed in the Western Conference? Ah, to be young again. The times they are a-changin. Back when boys were boys and men were men. Back before the Nuggets leading the league in allowing wide open 3-pointers finally caught up to them.
The Nuggets are the 24th ranked defense in the NBA. If I were the Nuggets, and hear me out, but if I were the Nuggets, I’d like, I don’t know, play fucking defense.
(Shout out to Malik Beasley though dropping 35 points against the Rockets. Don’t let Jamal Murray and Gary Harris get all the attention,
7. Utah Jazz
I so desperately wish the Utah Jazz made moves at the trade deadline. I love Rick Rubio but Mike Conley is an objectively better point guard and overall leader of a basketball team. He would have been the perfect backcourt partner for Donovan Mitchell who is one awful playoff series away from me exclusively referring to him with the pig emoji as he ball hogs it up.
That kid seems grossly interested in his own headlines which
6. Golden State Warriors
It was cool when Boogie came back. That was a fun week. Now Kevin Durant is back to blaming the ‘media’ for his tendency to behave like an Uptown Startender throwing shade in the IG comments of the girls that like her man’s photos. In a way, I guess that makes him perfect for New York. Durant is about to be the
5. Houston Rockets
James Harden is playing so well that he’s making Austin Rivers look like Chris Paul which could either be a compliment to Rivers or an insult to Paul depending on how full or empty your glass of water is.
The Rockets acquiring Iman Shumpert to take all of James Ennis’s minutes is a potentially massive under the radar move. And yes, I under that expression ‘massive under the radar’ is an oxy-moron but it’s late and leave me alone, yo. All of this content is free. Don’t complain.
4. Oklahoma City Thunder
Russell Westbrook is shooting 24% from the 3-point line and a career low 64% from the free throw line. You guys can talk about Paul George’s MVP season all day long. I will stand on the roof of the tallest skyscraper shouting into the clouds ‘WESTBROOK SUUUUUCKS’.
3. Milwaukee Bucks
Every year there is the lazy commentary that LeBron James needs to be ‘surrounded by shooters’. Yea, no shit. Every team would be better if everyone could shoot. But like, the Milwaukee Bucks
They are going to dunk Terry Rozier like when the
2. Toronto Raptors
Why is there any debate about whether or not trading for Marc Gasol makes the Raptors better? Don’t be [extremely
AND HE’S COMING OFF THE BENCH. Raptors in 4.
1. Philadelphia 76ers
I have no idea if it’s going to pan out or not but you have to respect the Sixers for going all in this season. First with the acquisition of Jimmy Butler and then doubling down on big wing players by acquiring Tobias Harris.
Personally, if I were running the 76ers, I’d have more than one point guard on my roster but that’s just me. Anyway, they have the best Starting 5 in the Eastern Conference by miles. I just hope more than anything they send Joel Embiid and Boban Marjanovic out there at the same time to clothesline Brook Lopez.