nba power rankings

NBA Power Rankings: Golden State Sucks and Did You Know Harden and Russ Are Friends?

Every Tuesday, you will be receiving the OFFICIAL Deadseriousness NBA Power Rankings. Most teams have played around 3 games so let’s wildly speculate based on a remarkably small sample size.

Here are your FIRST NBA Power Rankings:

30. Golden State Warriors 1-2

I can’t begin to explain how annoyed I am that the Warriors won earlier today. I had jokes that will remain in the drafts now because New Orleans couldn’t help me out.

29. Sacramento Kings 0-3

Super shocked that Luke Walton coming off a LeBron James teabagging and a sexual harassment case didn’t walk into Sacramento and turn this team into Western Conference juggernauts.

So far the Kings have given up 124 to Phoenix, 112 to Portland and 113 to Utah (The Jazz beat them by 32). Remember when we all thought the Kings figured it out last season? Lololol nope. They’re still the Sacramento Kings.

28. Charlotte Hornets 1-3

Oh brother, these guys STINK. It’s wild that James Dolan is forever the butt of every joke even though Michael Jordan gave Terry Rozier close to $60 million for absolutely no reason outside of the fact that he loves giving bums as much money as possible. Not the ideal team building strategy.

The Hornets have the 29th ranked net rating (-13.3). Devonte Graham and PJ Washington can ball though so at least there are some reasons to watch this team going forward.

27. Indiana Pacers 0-3

Last season, the Pacers replaced Victor Oladipo’s scoring with Bojan Bogdanovic and Thaddeus Young but now that those guys are gone and Oladipo is still injured, Indiana is replacing his scoring with *squints* fucking no one? Bold strategy.

Andre Drummond put up 32 points and 23 rebounds on opening night. Arrest Myles Turner.

26. New Orleans Pelicans 0-4

I hate this team for losing to Golden State. [Anakin Skywalker voice] I HATE THEM. There are so many good teams in the Western Conference that someone has to come out here every night and take these L’s and as long as Zion Williamson continues to be a 600 pound animorph, I don’t think Brandon Ingram is suddenly going to carry Josh Hart on his back.

25. Chicago Bulls 1-3

The Toronto Raptors held the Bulls to 84 points. Yo, Zach LaVine, you let Kyle Lowry put you in shackles? The Bulls just got BULLIED by Bobby Portis. Big Pun over here. It’s 1am, guys. Let me live.

24. Cleveland Cavaliers 1-2

Tristan Thompson and Kevin Love are back to grabbing every single rebound like LeBron is still in town paying for all their dinners. Meanwhile Collin Sexton and Darius Garland are shaping up to be what I can only describe as not good at basketball.

23. Detroit Pistons 2-2

If you listen to the official Deadseriousness NBA Podcast, Offensive, Foul, then you know I feel a type of way about Detroit so I’ll leave my thoughts there for this week’s power rankings but just know I’m both angry and disappointed.

22. Brooklyn Nets 1-2

Kyrie Irving set a new record by scoring 113 points which is the most by a single player in his first three games with a new team. The Nets won once. Cool points tho.

The Grizzlies and Timberwolves beat the Nets. The Knicks almost beat the Nets. But please tell me how cool the Brooklyn Nets are. Tell me how playoff ready this team was supposed to be.

Corny asses.

21. Washington Wizards 1-2

Rui Hachamara is already proving the benefits of firing Ernie Grunfeld as he might be the steal of the draft averaging 16.3 points and 7.7 rebounds on a basketball team that outside of Brad Beal, has zero good players on it.

20. Oklahoma City Thunder 1-3

What do you think Chris Paul does in Oklahoma every day? Just hang out in the one State Farm office in the state and like, hand out lollipops at the door?

19. Orlando Magic 1-2

Duality of Markelle.

18. New York Knicks 1-2

IT’S BOBBY, BITCH.

17. Boston Celtics 2-1

If I hear ‘basketball IQ’ in reference to rookie forward, Grant Williams, one more time I’m going to combust. We get it, he almost went to an Ivy League school. WE GET IT. He’s smart or some shit.

16. Houston Rockets 2-1

James Harden is shooting 28.6% from the field and 15% from the 3-point line. *vomits all over keyboard*

15. Miami Heat 2-1

Bam Adebayo is astronomically better than Hassan Whiteside at everything except complaining. No one is better than Whiteside at being average while believing he is a star.

Saving my Heat judgments until Jimmy Butler comes back from his 6 month vacation maternity leave.

14. Atlanta Hawks 2-1

Trae Young is averaging 34 points in 3 games on 52% shooting from behind the arc. He’s also had 9 assists in every game as well. I can’t say for sure but it also looks like he has a few more hairs on his scalp. What is going on in Atlanta??

13. Dallas Mavericks 2-1

Porzingis is putting up stupid video game stats early on in this season before his weak little boy legs grind to sand but here’s a cute little fun stat:

Luka and Porzingis together: 73 minutes, 113.0 ORTG, 104.3 DRTG, +8.7 net rating
Luka on, Porzingis off: 35 minutes, 106.5 ORTG, 98.8 DRTG, +7.7 net rating
Porzingis on, Luka off: 19 minutes, 91.1 ORTG, 134.8 DRTG, -43.7 net rating

Just in case anyone was confused about why Kristaps is suddenly MVP level in Dallas as opposed to New York. He’s not. Luka is.

12. Portland Trailblazers 2-2

13 of Portland’s first 18 games are on the road this season. I say that to say you should probably expect Portland to be on the bottom of these power rankings for awhile. In a stacked Western Conference, teams are going to devour the Trailblazers to get early season Ws against Mario Hezonja and the boys.

11. Utah Jazz 3-1

Markelle Fultz is shooting better than Mike Conley so far. Nah, get Utah out of here.

10. Los Angeles Lakers 2-1

The Lakers are shockingly playing exactly how they’re supposed to which is uncommon for the Lakers in recent years. They have perfect balance between Anthony Davis post-ups and LeBron pick n rolls at the top of the key. Safe to say, Jason Kidd isn’t handling a lot of the playcalling duties (yet).

Oh, and Anthony Davis is uh, really fucking good at this.

9. Milwaukee Bucks 2-1

Shout out to the Milwaukee Bucks for keeping Giannis fed and well taken care of before he leaves Wisconsin and puts on a Knicks jersey for life. I don’t have much to say about Milwaukee yet but that win over Houston was impressive considering Giannis fouled out and they didn’t even need him to beat two MVPs.

8. Toronto Raptors 3-1

Before the season started, I proclaimed that there’s no way that Paskal Siakam can sustain the success he found last season anddddd as of right now, he appears to be even better this year so I will shut up about Siakam before he sleeps with my wife.

7. San Antonio Spurs 3-0

I will not be discussing the San Antonio Spurs this season.

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6. Denver Nuggets 3-0

Nikola Jokic has played a total of 900 bajillion straight minutes of basketball dating back to the start of last season so let’s all enjoy the flashy passes and runny nose before his inevitable cardiac arrest. That body wasn’t meant to run.

5. Minnesota Timberwolves 3-0

I can’t imagine a reality where the Timberwolves ever make it as high as No. 5 on these NBA power rankings ever again knowing that Andrew Wiggins will revert back to peak Andrew Wiggins aka contested long jumpers and picking his nose on defense.

(But they beat the Nets so they’re Top 5).

4. Los Angeles Clippers 3-1

The Clippers have the best net rating in the NBA which should surprise no one as seemingly everyone and their mothers predicted that the Clippers would make the Finals.

They essentially have the same team as last season that beat the shit out of the Warriors in the first round anddd they just dropped the best player in the NBA into the center of this team like Bruce Banner leaping out of a helicopter and crashing on Earth as the Incredible Hulk.

3. Philadelphia 76ers 3-0

Deadseriousness is officially a Ben Simmons stan site.

2. Memphis Grizzlies 1-2

1. Phoenix Suns 2-2

Coming into the night prior to losing to the Utah Jazz by a point, the Suns had the best net rating in the NBA after putting the NBA Finals favorites in a torture chamber like, 12 hours after DeAndre Ayton was suspended for getting high as hell and trying to cheat the piss test.

Ayton who?? Don’t let Frank Kaminsky and Dario Saric get hot.

They put up 130 on a Clippers defense that we were led to believe was unstoppable. Also Ricky Rubio losing to the Jazz is funny.


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