30. Memphis Grizzlies
The Grizzlies have come out this week and declared that they are officially waving the white flag on the 2018-19 season and are now actively attempting to trade Mike Conley and Marc Gasol for anything.
The Grizzles are 4-18 in their last 22 games. Oh brother, this team STINKS. Oh, and no one wants their star players who are both way too expensive, way too old and way too injury prone to trade for unless Memphis is looking for 2nd round draft picks and Michael Beasley.
29. Chicago Bulls
Wendell Carter Jr is going to miss 8-12 weeks after receiving surgery on his thumb so there are literally zero reasons to watch this team except for the very good chance that Robin Lopez takes a swing at Jim Boylen.
By the way, the entire team turned their back on Boylen and what did the Bulls front office do in response to that? THEY GAVE JIM BOYLEN A RAISE. Chicago wants to be the worst team in the NBA so badly.
28. Cleveland Cavaliers
Here’s a cute little stat: The Cleveland Cavaliers are on-pace to have the worst defensive rating in NBA HISTORY. Collin Sexton can flex and slap the floor on defense all game long, he’s still getting his ankles dissected on a nightly basis and it turns out, Cedi Osman isn’t as great at protecting the rim as LeBron James.
27. Indiana Pacers
The Pacers best player is in a wheelchair right now and I don’t know about you, but I’m not convinced that a Myles Turner-led team can win basketball games. Without Oladipo, the Pacers are pretty much the Sacramento Kings so let me just go ahead and put them at the bottom of these NBA Power Rankings before they put themselves there in a couple of weeks.
26. Phoenix Suns
I haven’t watched a Suns game in weeks so I won’t have much to say about them right now. Um, according to box scores, Dragon Bender is getting more minutes and collecting double-doubles in the ultimate example of ‘too little too late’.
Oh, and Devin Booker pretended to fight Gorgui Dieng in the tunnel so that was fun/stupid.
25. Brooklyn Nets
Get the Brooklyn Nets OUUUUUUT of my face, yo. All of these weird NBA hipsters with unicycles in their hemp backpacks who love Joe Harris’s catch and shoot statistics are manifesting themselves on my timeline out of nowhere like cockroaches all praising the ‘development’ of the Nets while simultaneously shitting on the Knicks who for once in two decades
I clearly feel a type of way about New Jersey Nets fan. Let me put this gun down and move on.
24. Orlando Magic
I’ve become a Nikola Vucevic stan who is
And the Magic front office is scrambling to the phones this week after finding out that Thon Maker is requesting a trade out of Milwaukee. Orlando is salivating over the thought of bringing in another 7-footer to play alongside Mo Bomba, Jonathan Isaac and Vucevic.
23. Detroit Pistons
Bold move for the Detroit Pistons to acquire Blake Griffin and surround him with Jose Calderon’s. Team Building 101: Don’t do that. Blake Griffin hates everyone in that city and wants to go to back home to Los Angeles so badly.
I cannot wait for the trade deadline Woj notification that the Pistons traded Blake to an even worse city. My man is going to be traded to the Czech basketball league for a player to be named later and I’m going to be laughing for the rest of forever.
22. New Orleans Pelicans
There are finally murmurs and rumblings about Anthony Davis’s ability to lead a team as we see Giannis as the sole superstar in Milwaukee, a first place team in the East while Anthony Davis is the lone superstar of the 13th seed in the West. I’m here for the Davis slander, a man who is incredibly likable and has done zero things to earn hate. Let’s have the ‘why can’t you lead your team to the playoffs’ convo like we did to shit on Carmelo in New York. I love it.
21. Atlanta Hawks
YO, John Collins is an absolute beast. He’s sooo dominant that I won’t even talk about the fact that sharpshooter Trae Young, is only shooting 29% from the 3-point line thus negating the only skill that made him a Top 5 pick.
But yea, John Collins dropped a career-high 35 points on the Bulls heads and we won’t talk about the fact that Trae Young scored 5 points in that same game and shot 1-for-12 from the field.
20. Miami Heat
The Heeeeaaaaat? The HEAT? The same Heat that have the worst ranking offense among playoff teams? The same Heat that have a negative scoring differential?? The same Heat that are more focused on making sure that Dwyane Wade has 82 crisp jerseys to exchange at the end of games then they are on acquiring a point guard to replace Goran Dragic? The HEEEAAATTT??
19. Minnesota Timberwolves
This is a mistake and the Wolves should be lower on this list. Hand up. That’s on me. I’ll come correct next time. I’m better than this. (Thank you, NBA, for keeping Derrick Rose out of the All-Star game).
18. Washington Wizards
The Wizards are 8-5 since John Wall went out for the year following his knee surgery. It’s almost as if the team plays better when the asshole who dominates the ball during the games and pucnhes them in the chest on the team bus isn’t around.
17. Sacramento Kings
Hot Take: The Kings will not only be a playoff team next season but they’ll have home field advantage. That’s right, I SAID THAT SHIT. Buddy Hield is evolving. De’Aaron Fox is the quickest guard in the league. Marvin Bagley just had a career-high 22 points.
But that’s next year. This year, this team is trashy trash garbage trash.
16. Los Angeles Lakers
I hate how competitive the Lakers are without LeBron James. I have Twitter drafts full of
15. Charlotte Hornets
Putting the Hornets dead in the middle of these Power Rankings just feels approopriate. They are the NBa mendoza line. If you’re better than the Hornets, you’re a playoff team. If you’re worse than the Hornets than how great is Zion, huh?
14. Philadelphia 76ers
We need to have a discussion about the Sixers and how they should be so much better than they currently are but every single game I’m just holding my breath ready for one of their stars to turn an ankle and end up out for the season because Philly has the worst medical staff in the history of history.
A team with Ben Simmons, Joel Embiid and Jimmy Butler should be Eastern Conference favorites and it wouldn’t shock me if the Celtics swept them in the first round. Actually for comedy purposes, I’m actively rooting for that outcome.
13. Los Angeles Clippers
At one point not only were the Clippers the 1 seed but their defeat of the Golden State Warriors led to Draymond Green’s infamous ‘you’re a bitch and you know you’re a bitch’ directly in Durant’s face. Times were simpler then.
Now, they’re barely the 8th seed and pretty much reserving that parking space for LeBron to come back from his groin injury and take that seed. You were the chosen one’s, Clippers.
12. San Antonio Spurs
The Spurs are stll good or whatever. [insert stats that prove previous statement]. Cool. We done here? Awesome, next.
11. Boston Celtics
After struggling all season a few weird weeks where Kyrie kept bragging about winning a championship and reminding the world that the rest of the Celtics have not, they seems to have figured out how to play basketball again which is annoying as shit.
If the Red Sox, Patriots and Celtics all within the title within the same calendar year,
10. Dallas Mavericks
Okay, the Mavs might be too high on these power rankings but they’re a Top 10 most watchable team and in these arbritrary power rankings, that matters, apparently.
Dennis Smith Jr is BACK and not playing at the same time as Luka Doncic. Hm, really makes you wonder whom DSJ might have a problem with on this team and why he might want to be traded.
9. Portland Trailblazers
The Blazers have won 5 of their last 6 games and they appear to be ready to do that thing they did last season where they surge in the second half of the season, grab home field advantage easily and then get swept the fuck out of here in the first round.
If the playoffs were to end right now, they’d play Houston in the first round. James Harden would put up historic postseason records on McCollum’s dome and the Blazer would be tweeting from home about how unfair the Warriors are.
8. Denver Nuggets
If the Nuggets knew how to play defense, they’d be the most dangerous team in the NBA. Jamal Murray has transformed into a borderline all star as he’s been shooting 44% from behind the arc this month. The Nuggets can put up 140 points on any given Wednesday.
The Nuggets are still leading the NBA in open 3-point shots allowed. Since December 1st, they are ranked 25th in points allowed. It makes for exciting games because it’s just back and forth scoring with no real defense but I won’t ignore the fact that Golden State came to down and scored an NBA record for first quarter points. #NeverForget.
7. Milwaukee Bucks
Not only do the Bucks continue to win every single game they play but they win by miles.
Giannis would be the MVP if James Harden wasn’t putting up Wil Chamberlain stats. Eric Bledsoe and Brook Lopez are having the best seasons of their career. Etc. Still only 7th on these Power Rankings. Shrug.gif.
6. Oklahoma City Thunder
Dear ESPN and TNT, put the Thunder on national television every single night because their games will go into overtime and will be dramatic as hell for 5 quarters.
Watching Paul George quietly have an All-NBA season while Russell Westbrook loudly has one of the worst statistical shooting seasons in NBA history is my favorite thing in the world. ‘West-brick’ is an easy, smart and perfect nickname. It’s also mean as
5. Utah Jazz
Donovan Mitchell BACK. My rookie of the year has scored at least 24 points in 11 straight games and the Jazz are back in the playoff hunt after a slow start. This month, the Jazz have the second best defense as Rudy Gobert and Joe Ingles are putting the clamps on oppoentns.
4. Toronto Raptors
What’s scary about the Toronto Raptors is that it feels like every time I turn to a game, Kawhi is resting but Toronto still wins those games, no problem. That means the Raptors still have another gear they can turn on for the home stretch of the season when they unleash peak NBA Finals MVP Kawhi. #PrayForTheNBA.
3. Houston Rockets
James Harden put up a record of 261 consecutive points without being assisted. Every single one of his 30+ point games for the week
Chris Paul returned on Sunday and Harden still dropped 40 points proving that he’s just decided to become Wilt Chamberlain and it doesn’t matter who else is on the floor. My man is scoring 40 points and no one can stop him.
2. Golden State Warriors
DeMarcus. Cousins. Warriors in 4.
1. New York Knicks
The New York Knicks are putting on a magical demonstration of how to properly tank and it’s beautiful to watch. As a life long fan who has never seen this team make it out of the second round, I’m smiling ear to ear as Allonzo Trier goaltends a shot to lose in the final second of a game in London. I’m crying tears of joy. My Knicks are BACK.