The first Deadseriousness MLB Power Rankings are HOT off the presses to bless the streets. Christian Yelich is on a home run streak that won’t end. Everyone on the Yankees is in pain. The Boston Red Sox have no idea how to play baseball.
A loooooot of shit has gone down is just 20 games this year.
Here are the MLB Power Rankings:
30. Boston Red Sox
The Red Sox are the worst baseball team ever. No further comments.
29. Miami Marlins
The Marlins have traded away two MVPs. There is nothing more to be said about this team. Derek Jeter bought this team to resell it like Gordon Gecko in Wall Street. Greed is good.
28. Kansas City Royals
The Kansas City Royals aren’t worried about wins and losses. They are more focused on giving up massive home runs and then hitting guys for celebrating those massive home runs.
To quote Tim Anderson, the Royals are some ‘weak ass fucking niggas’.
27. Los Angeles Angels
The Los Angeles Angels made Mike Trout the highest paid player in MLB history. Is there anyone in any sport who is as good as Trout who does less to affect wins and losses? Fuck ‘WAR’, Trout could have a WAR of 100 and the Angels would still only win 65 games.
26. Baltimore Orioles
Chris Davis set the major league record for most consecutive at-bats without a hit. He’s the worst hitter ever.
BUT, Chris Davis is the best pitcher in baseball.
25. Cincinnati Reds
The Reds are dead last and started the season 1-8 which makes no sense after acquiring Yasiel Puig, Alex Wood and Matt Kemp this offseason. At the same time, it makes total sense after they acquired Sonny Gray. They cancel out.
Cincinnati moved Joey Votto to the leadoff spot which is strange considering he’s only hitting .227 this year. He also only has 2 homers and his power has completely escaped him thus far.
24. Chicago White Sox
Tim Anderson had a coming out party last week when he hit a home run and threw his bat like a javelin into the consession stands in a celebration that was rewarded with getting hit by a pitch in his next at-bat.
He was then suspended for saying ‘nigga’ to the pitcher that hit him when the benches cleared thus ensuring that baseball will never grow as a sport.
23. Detroit Tigers
There are plenty of reasons why MLB team owners refuse to hand out big long term contracts anymore and for some reason, Miguel Cabrera skates under the radar even though he has one of the worst contracts in sports.
Miguel Cabrera is 36 years old. He makes $30 million a year. He will continue to make $30 million every year until 2024. Yea, makes sense why no one wants to give Dallas Kechuel a fucking dime. Blame Miggy.
22. San Francisco Giants
Madison Bumgarner is allllmost back. He has a 1-3 record and a 3.66 ERA. Batters are banging him around a bit but he’s also getting his strikeout numbers up. This season is all about getting his trade value up. Wins and losses don’t matter. Buster Posey and Evan Longoria suck now.
21. Toronto Blue Jays
The Toronto Blue Jays don’t matter until they call up Vlad Guerrero Jr. Next.
20. Washington Nationals
Anthony Rendon is in the final year of his contract and he’s trying to get that Bryce Harper money. He’s slashing .371/.771/1.223 with 6 homers and 18 RBIs.
“fuck you, pay me” -Anthony Rendon.
19. Oakland Athletics
Khris Davis is 5-foot-10, 190 pounds and somehow he’s the strongest hitter in the entire league. Davis was the first to hit 10 homers this season and it’s gotten to the point where it’s genuinely shocking if he goes an entire game without launching a ball into the parking lot.
18. Colorado Rockies
Colorado started the season 4-12. People thought they’d win the NL West. 4-12. 4 and fucking 12. When fully healthy, the Rockies might have the best batting order in the sport.
Daniel Murphy is on the injured list and Nolan Arrenado hasn’t started Nolan Arrendoing yet. 4-12. Jesus.
17. Texas Rangers
It’s strange seeing this team perform well without the great Bartolo Colon out here every five days being goofy as hell but we shall recover from that loss. Seriously, someone sign that man. He has like, 9 good fastballs left in the tank.
Should probably mention that Joey Gallo is the most powerful hitter in baseball and with his strikeout numbers down (for the time being), a Joey Gallo batting .281 is SCARY. Saying he hit 8 home runs isn’t fair. He has launched 8 balls into orbit and they are just now approaching the asteroid belt.
16. Cleveland Indians
Just patiently waiting for the inevitable Trevor Bauer Twitter meltdown.
15. Chicago Cubs
The Cubs are sitting at .500 just casually waiting for the 2019 season to start. Kyle Hendricks is the Ace of the staff now that Jon Lester is 76 years old andddd he started the season 0-3 with a .393 BAA and 5.40 ERA. He was a human tee.
In his last, however, Hendricks finally picked up his first win in a 7 inning 0 ER 11Ks performance. We back.
14. San Diego Padres
The Padres might sneaky have the best left side of the infield in all of baseball with Manny Machado and Fernando Tatis Jr. FTJ has more home runs than Aaron Judge.
The Padres could’ve started the season with Tatis in the minors so they could steal another year of service time from him but after breaking the bank open for Machado, the Padres don’t give a shit about having to pay Tatis a year earlier. Respect.
13. St. Louis Cardinals
The New York Yankees should’ve traded for Paul Goldschmidt. The New York Yankees should’ve traded for Paul Goldschmidt. The New York Yankees should’ve traded for Paul Goldschmidt. The New York Yankees should’ve traded for Paul Goldschmidt. The New York Yankes should’ve traded for Paul Goldschmidt.
12. Arizona Diamondbacks
Paul Goldschmidt out. Christian Walker in. The offense doesn’t skip a bit. Walker is slashing .353/.706/1.127 with 6 bombs. Whoever the Diamondbacks start at first base, they turn into MVP candidates. Business as usual over there.
11. Minnesota Twins
Jose Berrios has one of the most devasting curveballs we’ve ever seen. Berrios has a 0.93 WHIP and 4.3 SO/W. He has stepped up and is now the Ace of the AL Central leading Twins.
Also it should be mentioned that if Jorge Polanco continues running the ‘get on base whenever I feel like it play’ then pray for opposing pitchers.
10. Atlanta Braves
Max Fried has dominated opposing hitters coming out of the bullpen and he’s been just as dominant starting games. Fried has a 0.92 ERA in 19.2 innings and a 0.866 WHIP. He’s unhittable.
The Braves just came back from down 8 runs against Cleveland that ended in a 5-run ninth inning. The Braves miiiiight be a team of destiny. Ronald Acuna is barely old enough to rent a car and he’s the best outfielder in the National League.
9. Pittsburgh Pirates
One of the most underrated and super random trades of 2018 was the Pirates acquiring Chris Archer for no reason but it’s finally seeing positive results as Archer is a beast this season and a true Ace.
Again, still makes zero sense to trade Gerrit Cole and then trade for Chris Archer in the same calendar year but okay, do your thing thing.
8. Seattle Mariners
The Mariners are leading to the AL West right now which is really cute. They lead the Majors in runs scored and home runs and they lead those categories by miles.
All thanks to the great Daniel Vogelbach, who has 8 homers on the year. No fucking idea who Daniel Vogelbach but he’s really out here.
7. Milwaukee Brewers
Before we take a knee at the altar of Christian Yelich, let’s first praise Josh Hader for stepping up when Corey Knebel tore his elbow and needed season-ending Tommy John Surgery.
But fuck Hader, Christian Yelich has 13 home runs already which is a franchise record for most home runs before May 1st. He’s hit 8 of those homers in his last 6 games including two the night this article is being written.
Shout out to Ryan Braun for sharing his secret ‘medicine’ with Yelich.
6. Tampa Bay Rays
It doesn’t matter what the Rays record is right now, they will not be in the Top 5 of THESE Power Rankings. Not in April, at least. No one should be celebrating what the Rays are doing.
They are one of the few teams in this league who do not operate with the intentions of winning games. They are more focused on turning a profit. Just wait and see what happens at the trade deadline when Blake Snell is traded away for no reason.
5. New York Mets
Deadseriousness is a Peter Alonso fan page so the Mets only being ranked 5th on these Power Rankings is called Self-restraint. Pete Alonso is what Mets fans thought Mike Comforto would be. Peter Alonso is what Brandon Nimmo thinks he is.
The massive problem that could send the Queens Mets plummeting down this list is this Jacob deGrom injury. Don’t be shocked if this team falls off a cliff.
4. Houston Astros
The Astros are off to a slow start which is scary considering they’re only 1 game back of first place. What would this team look like if they weren’t struggling?
Justin Verlander was trash to start the year ad now he’s coming off back to back quality starts. Gerrit Cole, however, is trending the other way after giving up 8 earned runs to the Texas Rangers. Yikes.
3. Philadelphia Phillies
It turns out, if you buy the best players in free agency, those players will help win you games. It’s a mad science but it appears as though the Phillies have mastered that algorithm. Strange.
Exclude David Robertson from those free agents. He was supposed to be the closer but he has a 5.40 ERA and 2.10 WHIP. All you have to do is stand in the batter’s box and not swing the bat at all. Robertson will walk you. No effort necessary.
2. New York Yankees
At the time this is being written, the Yankees are a .500 team but their IL list is an All-Star squad so the Yankees reaching .500 with a bunch of minor leaguers and Masahiro Tanaka is impressive as hell.
Imagine just dropping Giancarlo Stanton into the middle of this AAA team. Yankees in 4.
1. Los Angeles Dodgers
Every time you watch a Los Angeles Dodgers game, someone is hitting a solo home run. But we need to have a serious conversation about how great Cody Bellinger is. He’s slashing .407/.852/1.336 with 10 bombs and 25 RBIs.
Christian Yelich is getting all the press and he deserves it or whatever but Cody Bellinger is the best player in Major League Baseball (so far).
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