The Minnesota Twins Just Signed My Arch Nemesis

For years Josh Donaldson tormented me in a Toronto Blue Jays uniform. I don’t totally remember where my hate for him started but those Blue Jays teams with Donaldson, Jose Bautista and Troy Tulowitzki were insufferable. A team of corny fake tough guys who for sure wear button ups to the bar and their shirts all the way up to the collar and shout when they order shots.

In 2015, Donaldson won an MVP award after a .297/.371/.568 season with 41 homers and 123 RBIs. I’m going to put a hole through my computer typing this shit but yea, he was good and he was responsible for beating the Yankees more than once during his 4-year stint in Toronto.

In 2018, Donaldson had an injury-ridden season and was traded to Cleveland before having to reluctantly sign a 1-year deal in Atlanta.

I was winning the war. It appeared like it was a wrap for the ‘Bringer of Rain’ (the wackest social media handle ever). Injuries took away his season and now he was about to wither away in the National League somewhere.

This bitch hit 37 home runs with the Braves with 94 RBIs. He was 11th in MVP voting. Why am I still typing this? Might put my head through my computer screen.

Not only is Donaldson back in the American League but he’s joining the Minnesota Twins which means he will absolutely be hitting homers against the Yankees in the ALDS as the Twins get swept. As is tradition.

Last season, five players on the Twins hit 30 home runs. All of those players are back on the roster this season. And now they added a guy who hit 37 homers. Ok.

Just when you think the Houston Astros and Boston Red Sox are done now that they don’t always know what the opposing hitters are going to throw, the Minnesota Twins fuck around and build a super lineup of guys whose power rating is 100 on MLB The Show.

Josh Donaldson will be taking the third base job from Miguel Sano as Sano will slide over to first base to replace CJ Cron who signed with the Detroit Tigers (laugh out loud). Donaldson lapped Cron in almost every statistical category including a 132 wRC+ compared to Cron’s 101.

The Minnesota Twins waited a month before Spring Training begins to completely ruin opposing pitchers ERAs.

I was so excited about the Yankees 2020 season. They signed Gerrit Cole. They re-vamped their training staff after guys were tearing their ACLs getting off the bus. The Houston Astros and Boston Red Sox were caught cheating.

But now Josh Donaldson re-entered the chat and I have to see this man in his late 30’s with a mohawk. Why can’t I have nice things?




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Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

E-mail to talk directly about all Deadseriousness related stuff or if you just want to talk about like, the Yankees or Marvel comics or whatever.

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