Man Casually Dry Humps a Mattress Outside of a Retirement Home

Over the weekend a man was arrested for watching porn on his portable DVD player and piledrving his mattress in the parking lot of a retirement home. 52 year old, Martin Gregory Coll, was just having a standard Saturday afternoon until ALL of a sudden he became public enemy number one.

 

“He added: “He went to the rear car park which is used by staff and by residents. Officers went to check and when they arrived they heard what they described as sex sounds emanating from behind a fence in the car park. He had a handheld DVD player with the volume turned loud.

“He was laying on a mattress naked from the waist down with his trousers and underwear down by his ankles and he was simulating sex with the mattress. A number of residents in the old peoples’ home were awake at the time but they did not want to make a statement to the police.”

This may be the biggest “Can I live?!” moment. Is Coll really harming anyone by giving his mattress the D? Here’s a man who not only still carries a portable DVD player but has porn DVDs. Let him live. Sure, maybe he should’ve thrown some headphones on but his stroke is so wild you know they would just fall off anyway. Oh was his porn too loud? I’m sooorryyy. I forgot we were in communist Russia. Grow up, old people. Man wants to groove a boxspring in a old folk’s parking lot, let. him. live.

 

TheLesterLee

Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

E-mail Lester@Deadseriousness.com to talk directly about all Deadseriousness related stuff or if you just want to talk about like, the Yankees or Marvel comics or whatever.

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