It’s 2017 and it’s time I look myself in the mirror and say to myself “suck less”. I had 2016. We all did. I had to pretend like the death of a gorilla was important for 6 months. That was tough for me.
2017 is the year everything comes up King Lester. But in order for that to happen, I have to get dead serious about these New Year’s Resolutions. Dead Serious. Do you get it? It’s like a pun and shit. Funny, right?
Anyway here are King Lester’s 50 dead serious 2017 New Years Resolutions:
1. Grow a moustache like Steve Harvey even though my genetics are like nah chill.
2. Get so JACKED that I can rip a house out of the Earth.
3. Be in a Tyler Perry production of any kind.
4. Have a Gilmore Girls relationship with like…someone’s mom.
5. Drink less (before 11AM).
6. Stop staring at strangers on the subway.
7. Stop being mad when strangers stare at me on the subway.
8. Don’t read Game of Thrones spoilers even though I’m definitely going to read Game of Thrones spoilers.
9. Show way more cleavage.
10. Be more confident of the fact that I wear the same outfit every single day.
11. Pet every puppy.
12. Say literally literally a lot less than I do currently.
14. Try to be as petty as possible.
15. Either gamble on every WNBA game or none. No more of this half in/half out bullshit.
16. Don’t correct people when they say irregardless. It’s fine.
17. Remove all exclamation points from my texting repertoire.
18. Work on my midrange jumper.
19. Continue to defend James Harden’s defense. He’s the best in the league, chill.
20. Stop pretending to be a Carmelo fan.
21. Burn more bridges.
22. Trust the process.
23. Boo more people for their terrible performances.
24. Smile less.
25. Party in Ibiza with Bieber.
26. Change my nickname from King Lester to Boogie.
27. Be way more spiteful.
28. Don’t get murdered by a cop.
29. Get glasses. Literally cannot see anything ever.
30. Unsubscribe from so many e-mail lists.
31. Stop drinking coffee at 1AM.
32. Just deal with the tomatoes that will inevitably be on every sandwich I order this year.
33. Fuck twice.
34. Get drafted by the New York Giants.
35. Buy cigarettes for middle schoolers.
36. Talk way more shit to people who can definitely beat me up.
37. Bat .230 with 16 home runs for the Trenton Thunder.
38. Make out with like, maaaad chicks bro.
39. Wear ties.
40. Figure out my opinion on fracking once and for all.
41. Touch more boobs (with permission of course).
42. Take more naps at work.
43. Attempt to care about anything as much as people who smoke weed care about weed.
44. Become more like Wesley Snipes from Demolition Man.
45. Look at myself in the mirror more than zero times a day.
46. Stop being ashamed of how little I care about other people’s feelings.
47. Go to an Eyes Wide Shut rich people orgy party.
48. Dunk the shit out of a basketball.
49. Text my exes “you up?” wayyyy more often.
50. Try not to be too upset when I read this article at the end of December and I see that I didn’t fuck twice.
Thanks for reading. Tweet to @TheLesterLee with your 2017 New Years resolutions and let’s get through this together. Also, go ahead and throw Deadseriousness a Like on Facebook so that I can keep the lights on around here at HQ.