keanu reeves

Keanu Reeves Has Become Sentient

Keanu Reeves has become the most lovable man on the internet. Or perhaps he’s always been that way. But it appears as though Keanu has just discovered how much he is beloved and is truly leaning into it now.

Everything this man says and does now goes viral.

People are losing their minds after piecing together that Keanu doesn’t touch fans when he takes photos with them. He’s being labeled a feminist icon when in reality he probably is a weirdo germophobe that doesn’t want to catch cooties.

Is Keanu Reeves a great actor?

No, of course not.

Every time he speaks it sounds like it’s his first time speaking. As if he downloaded the English language into his brain and the words are falling out of his mouth accidentally.

For years, Keanu seemed reluctant to embrace his fame but three John Wick movies later and he appears to really be letting his true self shine. Apparently, all you have to do is kill everyone in New York because one guy killed your puppy and you will be loved because as I’m sure we all know, those John Wick movies are documentaries with live footage of Keanu murdering that chick from Orange is the New Black.

Did you guys know that Keanu liked movies? I bet you guy didn’t know that.

I’m glad he’s finally come out of his shell to let us know who he really is.

No no, he’s not the miserable lonely man eating a bagel alone on a park bench in clothes that were given to him at the local shelter.

He’s the charismatic voice of a Toy Story 4 character. He’s everyone’s new uncle who doesn’t smoke weed but lives on a diet that exclusively consists of edibles.

And Keanu’s sentience has reached full singularity as he can now tell us about what happens after we die.

When the inevitable nuclear war goes down, the only living orgasms that remain on Earth will be cockroaches and Keanu Reeves smoking a cigarette in the rain of ash.


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TheLesterLee

Written by TheLesterLee

Creator and King of Deadseriousness. Writer of all things pop culture. Jerk.

E-mail Lester@Deadseriousness.com to talk to the king directly about all Deadseriousness related stuff or if you just want to talk about like, the Yankees or Marvel comics or whatever.

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