marriage rescue

Jon Taffer’s Marriage Rescue Is The Most Important Show in Television History

Jon Taffer made his name by running into failing bars and restaurants, calling everyone in the building failures, remodeling the decaying building and occasionally teaching a bartender or two how to make a Manhattan.

Bar Rescue is the biggest show on the Paramount Network. Prior to the premiere of Marriage Rescue, it seemed to be on the only show on the Paramount Network.

Taffer has a fairly consistent strategy when rescuing a bar and it almost entirely involves shouting you into competency. Suddenly bar managers who spend entire shifts chugging beers transform into Ray Kroc.

So naturally, he is taking that same approach with Marriage Rescue but instead of turning a struggling bar into a town’s cultural hub, he is forcing doomed husbands and wives to pretend like they’re still in love in order to avoid his wrath.

Two couples per episode head to a resort in Puerto Rico where they know they are signing up for a televised marriage counseling sesh but are pleasantly pleased to find out that Jon Taffer, who is watching them on an iPad screen from like, 50 feet away, will be leading their vision quest.

In order to teach these couples valuable lessons or trust and communication, Taffer sends them skydiving and paintballing. Problem solved.

There is no one on planet Earth that I’d rather get relationship advice from than a man who is divorced and has no real therapy training at all. If you’re having trust issues, just sign up for Marriage Rescue and Jon Taffer will yell ‘TRUST HIM’ at you until you are healed.

In one episode, he sent a couple with trust issues on a scavenger hunt where every location they went to they had to reveal a secret which instantly led to them saying the meanest things they could possibly think about.

Naturally, the show wrapped up nicely 20 minutes later as they renewed their vows at the end as the wife (who cheated) didn’t just say she fantasized about other men like, earlier that morning.

In the most recent episode, another couple with trust issues were given amazing relationship therapy by working at a smoothie place for the day. Yes, a day of free labor and suddenly all infidelity is forgiven.

Thank you, Jon, for taking your talents of aggression, confrontation and restaurant hospitality and re-utilizing them to send yourself on a vacation to Puerto Rico and rescue some marriages in your downtime.

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Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

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