jeff bezos

Jeff Bezos is a WILD Boy

Jeff Bezos sent shirtless selfies, a photograph of his genitals and gushing, sexual text messages to Lauren Sanchez while the pair carried on an eight month affair which involved private jet rendezvous, intimate dinners and sleepovers at each other’s marital homes, it has been claimed.

The Amazon billionaire and his mistress, whose relationship was laid bare by the National Enquirer on Wednesday and Thursday, also stayed in hotels together – including one in Boston hours after the rest of the Bezos family had left.

The magazine, which followed the pair for four months after snapping Sanchez and her sister getting off Bezos’ private jet in October, claims that at one stage, Bezos’ wife of 25 years MacKenzie uncovered their affair when she looked at his plane’s flight manifest and found Sanchez’s name was the only one on the passenger list.

According to the Enquirer’s sources, Bezos is ‘in love’ with Sanchez and has told her, in less explicit language than his other texts,: ‘We don’t have to worry about the parachute opening because we are jumping together.

‘We are sharing the parachute and it will land safely. We have chosen each other.’

(Daily Mail)

Earlier this week I proposed to Mackenzie Tuttle after she and Jeff Bezos reportedly filed for divorce. She is looking to get a casual $1 BILLION in the divorce and based off of Bezos’s physical appearance and the creepy texts that were uncovered this week, $1 billion isn’t enough for me and my future wife Mackenzie.

“We don’t have to worry about the parachute opening because we are jumping together”. Ah, nothing more romantic than a group suicide, Jeff. ‘What do you mean I’m suffocating you? We don’t have to worry about oxygen because combined we have soo many lungs, babe.

Laura Sanchez is in this for the billions, right? Jeff Bezos looks like Wall Street Voldemort and his sext game gives me anxiety.

In one, he reportedly told the 49-year-old: ‘I love you, alive girl. I will show you with my body, and my lips and my eyes, very soon.’

In another, the magazine claims he said: ‘I want to smell you, I want to breathe you in. I want to hold you tight.… I want to kiss your lips…. I love you. I am in love with you.’

Ohhh no no no. This is pre-crime. Is the FBI ready this? Arrest Jeff Bezos before someone gets seriously hurt. “I love you, alive girl”? Is that a pet name? ‘Alive girl’? This is some Making a Murderer ass communication. I love you…..it would be a reaaaal shame if I sent you home on my private plan and the engine malfunction. Be a real shame, alive girl.

“I want to smell you”. I’ve been in long distance relationships before and I can say with complete confidence that the best part of a long distance relationship is not having to smell the other person. You know the type of person who misses smells? Hannibal Lecter.

Others are more X-rated including one where he is said to have told the former Extra and Fox host: ‘I miss you. I want to kiss you right now and tuck you in slowly and gently.

And maybe in the morning wake you up and not be quite so gentle with you.’

In another, he allegedly said: ‘Your energy and ideas and competence and SPIRIT turn me on.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that the CEO of Amazon gets all of his dialogue from the same writers that write those wack ass Amazon Prime original series.

“I want to tuck you in slowly and gently” Uh…I’m good, dude. There’s something about the image of this serpent faced man hovering over a woman in a dark room and tucking her in ‘quietly’ that makes me want to dial 9-1-1.

Your energy and your spirit turn me on. Is this just have billionaire CEO’s speak? No doubt in my mind that this is how Elon Musk speaks to Grimes. I can’t wait to reach the tax bracket where I just start saying bullshit about ‘energies’.

My man Jeff Bezos is OUT HERE. He is a wild boy.

Wait until he finally has sex for the first time. He might actually improve the horrible conditions for the workers at his Amazon warehouses. Maybe he’ll change his mind and won’t drop an HQ in the middle of Queens thus destroying the middle class economy by driving real estate prices through the roof.

Orrrr, he’s going to just continue to be a creepy old man who 1000% will wear a vile of this woman’s blood around his neck by the time I finish writing this.

 

 

 

Thanks for reading. Tweet to @TheLesterLee if you think Jeff Bezos is going to murder this poor woman. Also, go ahead and throw Deadseriousness a Follow on Instagram so that I can keep the lights on around here at HQ.

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TheLesterLee

Written by TheLesterLee

Creator and King of Deadseriousness. Writer of all things pop culture. Jerk.

E-mail Lester@Deadseriousness.com to talk to the king directly about all Deadseriousness related stuff or if you just want to talk about like, the Yankees or Marvel comics or whatever.

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