“I’m Real and You’re Calculated”, The Bachelor’s Champagne Scandal

The first weeks of any season of the Bachelor is must-see TV as we see a room full of girls obsessed with a tall frail man that they’ve never met before. This tall frail man gives every girl a taste test as he makes out with these strange women one by one before sending home the first wave of girls who don’t wear revealing enough dresses or aren’t distinctly blonde or brunette enough. Dirty blonde??? Your uber’s here, sweetheart.

On the second episode of this season of The Bachelor, we had ourselves a good ol fashioned scandal.

Well first, the episode started with Peter’s ex, Hannah B, showing up for no reason other than to get views up. The Bachelor’s marketing is undefeated. I tuned in.

Hannah crashed a group date to be alone with Peter as the two cried in each other’s arms for what I’m going to assume was hours. Dating. Is. Hard.

There’s something about being on The Bachelor that just makes people behave as if they’re on the sinking Titanic and every move and word they say to one another could potentially be their last. It’s 2020. Just text each other.

But fuck Hannah B. That storyline is corny and the fact that she’s appeared in 3 seasons now is a bit much. I’ve seen enough of her teeth.

Fortunately that nonsense was quickly washed over by a special bottle of champagne.

Kelsey, a former Miss Iowa pageant queen, was saving a bottle of champagne that she received on her birthday and wanted to have that special moment with our bachelor Peter. The blonde bombshell woman who looks like a combination of [insert name of any Fox News pundit] and Bojack Horseman who dressed like Debbie Harry dressing like David Bowie, was struggling to find the time to talk to Peter.

It happens every season. One girl quite literally cries the first couple of nights because she can’t get alone time with the bachelor and instead of, ya know, walking over to talk to him, she blames the more assertive women for sabotaging her ‘relationship’ with him.

Kelsey took the time to beautifully set up the champagne romantically. And by that I mean she just tied a red ribbon around the bottle, placed it in a bucket of ice and placed it next to a fire place. That’s it.

Shit hit the fan when a new Hannah entered the chat, Hannah Ann, and brought Peter over to the flaccid champagne display that Kelsey set up. I’ve never laughed louder than when they cut between Kelsey complaining to the other girls about not talking to Peter as the sound of her birthday bottle being popped open echoed throughout the mansion. I’ve never heard a louder champagne bottle. That shit was mic’d up.

Bojack Kelsey stormed over to confront Hannah Ann whom she believed intentionally stole her super mega duper special bottle of birthday champagne.

They have a heated confrontation where Kelsey hit her with the best line of the season: I’m real and you’re calculated.

I love it. You know she practiced that in the mirror before she drove to whatever the hell the Iowa airport is called. It’s also hilarious considering they hardly know each other so it’s so weird to assume that Hannah Ann is like, out to get her.

It’s The Bachelor mansion. There are bottles of champagne in every camera frame. Why would Hannah Ann believe that particular bottle belongs to Kelsey?

But when the chaos slowed down, Kelsey and her very long face finally had her champagne moment with Peter.


Thank you, Hannah Ann for taking her birthday bottle. Thank you to the producer who shook up that new bottle before they handed it to Peter. Thank you to Kelsey for being a doormat.




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Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

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