I Already Hate Duke’s New 5-Star Recruit

Duke is officially ‘back’

For anyone who was conflicted about rooting for Zion Williamson last season while he was wearing a Duke jersey, you need not worry any longer.

The pendulum has dramatically swung the other way and Duke has snatched up the best white high school player in the country because duh, of course they did.

Look at this pale child.

Coach K 1000% created him in a lab and groomed him for 18 years and now it’s time to harvest. Apparently, he’s the No. 8 recruit in the country. He averaged 33.9 points and 15 rebounds in high school. Cool.

You already know he’s about to come into college and be a fucking pest. Matthew Hurt has his eyes on Grayson Allen’s tripping opponents record.

Last year, Duke had the blackest team ever and they didn’t make it to the Final Four. Coach K is never doing that shit again. Did you see all those monster Zion dunks and chest pounding?

Nooooope. Never again. Back to the basics. Fundamentals and sportsmanship. Chest passes and left-hand layups.

If you dribble between your legs, you’re off the team. Wouldn’t surprise me if there was another Plumlee brother on the team somehow who just manifests himself on the end of the bench.

Duke Basketball is BACK. Matthew Hurt is coming to save the program.

Good luck to all of the regular students at Duke attempting to sign up for classes this fall. There’s no room. Matthew Hurt is taking 70 credits worth of classes and he WILL remind the professor about the homework when the professor forgets to ask at the end of class.

Sign Up For The Deadseriousness Newsletter

Don’t worry, we don’t spam


Written by TheLesterLee

Created Deadseriousness after being fired from every job I've ever had. One faithful night I drew the conclusion that if I was going to be unemployed, I might as well write articles that will guarantee I am un-hireable going forward. This website is the equivalent to a face tattoo.

E-mail to talk directly about all Deadseriousness related stuff or if you just want to talk about like, the Yankees or Marvel comics or whatever.

Leave a Reply