How To Survive Your Bachelor Weekend
Bachelor Weekend: When the least you can do…..is the least you can do.
Possibly the six sweetest words your live- in girfriend can tell you is, “I am leaving for the weekend.” For that skank’s Emily’s bachelorette party? Reunion with the college roommates? Honestly, who cares, you got a weekend of freedom, my man! And with just a few tips you can have the time of your life and do the least amount of covering up your fun and filth as possible.
Use paper plates and Solo cups. Dishes are for chumps (but I have a tip for that as well).
Hide the evidence. Take out the trash. I don’t care, just take out the trash. This kind of goes hand in hand with women’s’ scary abilities of smell. While you may think after the weekend the living room is as fresh as ever, she can waltz right in and scream how it smells like farts and bacon. Febreeze is your friend here, but be cautious as to not use too much. Then she will bitch how the den smells like farts, bacon and ”spring rain.” Yea, broads, I know there’s no winning with them. She’ll sniff out the trash in a second, especially when you refuse to properly dispose of food in the trash compactor. Plus you never know what you throw out. Just cover your tracks.
The secrets of these bags are an enigma.
Save water and throw any dirty dishes or utensils you may have into the sink. Fill the sink up and occasionally mix in some dish detergent. Let all dishes soak for the weekend. Be green. Water doesn’t grow on trees, my man. Wash and leave to air dry on Saturday night so she comes home and sees evidence you did a minimal amount of cleaning.
Along those same lines, be sure to deal with your empties. You will have probably accumulated some empties throughout the weekend, now what to do with them? You might have the shrew who doesn’t want you to have fun, so you can’t just toss the empties into the recycle bin. Be creative here, and throw them into your neighbor’s recycle bin. You know, the one with the baby that screams all night. Imagine the hot water you’ll get him into when wifey suspects him of being a closet alcoholic, which he probably is anyway. Hopefully you’ve used cans or plastic as they are much easier to dump quietly after you have crushed them against your skull.
Watch TV. Yes, I know this sounds obvious. But you have that sweet big screen that suffers as she watches Real Housewives or Long Island Psychic. So go ahead and clear the Netflix queue before they lose any other movies you may have actually heard of in the last five years. Watch sports. I don’t care if you don’t like the sports on, just watch sports. Hell, right now I am watching darts from Great Britain. Sure, this barely registers as a sport, but damn these guys can hit 20 every time and they all have beer bellies, so they are probably good blokes to hang out with.
Just a few guys doing guy stuff.
Make the bed. At the very least, make the bed.
Whatever happens next is okay, because at least the bed is made.
Be sure to clear your browser.
This is a hamper optional weekend. Feel free to just leave your clothes on the floor. Let gravity do its’ job. Then, on the morning of her impending arrival, do the wash. Not only will you likely have to do so anyway, but throw some of her shit in, too. Nothing too fancy, maybe a few t’s and some socks. Nothing you could ruin. Alternately, don’t feel obligated to change clothes on your big weekend.
Throw out 1-2 of her shitty CDs. She’ll never notice.
I know this seems obvious, BUT DON’T STICK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY.
Don’t bother running. She will find you.