This is the 3rd or 4th or 27th week of the Coronavirus quarantine. Rations are low. There are no longer any paper products. You spill something, you just have a wet ass floor for awhile. You go to the bathroom, you better hope you have a bidet.
After a week straight of gaming, you’ve discovered you actually hate video games. You’ve watched everything on Netflix to the point where you believe that Mads Mikkelson Vanessa Hudgens’s movie is good. I’ve tried to watch Polar three times. I’ve fallen asleep three times. It’s a fucking ACTION movie.
You can’t refresh Twitter anymore. You’re 78 weeks back on your ex’s Instagram page. You subscribed to a random guy’s at-home workout tutorial Youtube channel. The guy both never wears and a shirt and never has any unique at-home workout routines. Do push-ups. Got it. Thanks.
Oh, and you’re jacking it all day long because what the fuck else are you going to do?
Trust me, I understand. But you haven’t had a sexual thought in weeks. At this point, you’re just smacking it around out of boredom. You’re not even ejaculating anymore. You’re out of juice and your genitals hurt.
Let me help you.
5 Ways to Stop Jacking Off During Quarantine:
- Keep your hands full. This is sort of my advice on how to stop touching your face to avoid catching that Rona but we’ll re-purpose it as a way to keep your ashy hands off your exhausted balls. Hold your phone and your TV remote. Or put your hands in your pockets. Preferably your hoodie pockets so that your hands don’t wander.
- Get a new hobby! I’m half kidding and half think you should probably just get a playstation and become a gamer. I played Call of Duty for 23 hours straight once. I can tell you with complete confidence that rubbing one out was the last thing on my mind. All I cared about was killing Nazis. I guess I still care about killing Nazis but jacking off has since narrowed the gap. The tortoise wins the race.
- Call your parents. I dare you to beat off after a conversation with your mother. I fucking dare you. Actually, no. FaceTime your dad sitting next to your recently ridden dildo and see if you’d jump back on after you hang up. Shame and embarrassment is the ultimate way to curb human behavior. Shame on you. Now put your vag away and call your grandmother.
- Have sex. This is going to sound insane but what if *whispers* you just have sex? Instead of just pounding your own meat to smithereens as a way to kill time, why not turn this into an actual sexual experience. Just ask everyone in your phone contacts. Who’s going to say no? The world is ending. Get that Doomsday hump in.
- Catch COVID-19. Fuck it. Just go outside and catch the virus. We’re all going to die someday. Your dick is black and blue and falling off of your torso. It’s over. This is endgame. Your dick doesn’t work anymore because you pummeled it to dust. Just walk into the abyss. You’ve earned it.
I know you’re going to read this and be reminded that there’s still some skin left on your shaft that you need to go rub off but I hope I can help at least one of you from having a urologist vomit at the sight of your tattered reproductive organs.