Sooooo, something bad happened on Sunday night.
The Los Angeles Dodgers decided that they just wanted to make it to the World Series but didn’t care much for actually winning it so they let the Boston Red Sox beat them.
When David Price starts a playoff game, it’s supposed to be a night of jokes. We are all supposed to load up our memes with Gary Sanchez burping him like a baby. I should be scrolling through Katie Sharp tweeting all of Price’s embarrassing playoff stats.
Nope, that motherfucker almost threw a complete game.
As a New York Yankees fan, I’m used to shrugging off Boston as the angry, angsty, incredibly racist, younger brother that watched the Yankees win championships for a solid century. This season, the Red Sox were the best team in all of Major League Baseball.
So in a way, they were supposed to win. If anything, they shouldn’t even really be celebrating. Of course they won. There should be a quiet golf clap, a hat tip, a sip of a martini and then returning home to call Kyrie Irving the n-word when he misses a free throw.
Playing “New York, New York” in the clubhouse?
— Cut4 (@Cut4) October 29, 2018
But nope, these assholes are celebrating by taunting a team they beat like, a month ago. The Red Sox are celebrating a victory over the Los Angeles Dodgers by acting like they just swept the Yankees. Imagine if the Dodgers won and like, peed all over an Arizona Diamondbacks jersey. Just a weird reaction to turn your attention to the team that won the Wild Card.
So what do you do today if you’re a Yankees fan?
First of all, take a deep breath. At the end of the day, no other team in baseball has an Aaron Judge on it. He’s back next season completely healthy with a chip on his shoulder. Pray for Major League Baseball.
Second, you live in New York. This morning I woke up in New York and not Boston. Life is good. Boston is a trash city. Every movie that takes place in Boston is garbage. The Departed is nonsense. Ben Affleck is the worst Batman. Sure, MTA trains are never on time but there’s no place in the world I’d rather be.
Mookie Betts is a loser with zero swag and personalized bowling shoes. JD Martinez’s head is twice the size it was 5 years ago. Interesting we all very clearly knew Bonds did steroids because he doubled in size but JD Martinez is swollen and we’re all like ‘wow, he must’ve changed his swing’. Chris Sale has an overbite, a beard made of hay and a dirty belly button.
Also, the Yankees are about to go on a spending spree that we’ve never seen before. The Red Sox just won with the highest payroll in baseball. The Yankees tried to get cute by saving money the last two seasons but that’s a wrap now.
Bring in Bryce Harper. Bring in Manny Machado. Bring in Clayton Kershaw. Bring in Paul Goldschmidt. Bring in that one guy per year that comes from Cuba who was born to just rip baseballs into pieces. Bring in everyone.
Fuck the Boston Red Sox. The Yankees are about to rattle off the next 10 championships and no one can tell me otherwise.
Thanks for reading. Tweet to @TheLesterLee if you hope Boston just falls into the Atlantic Ocean. Also, go ahead and throw Deadseriousness a Like on Facebook so that I can keep the lights on around here at HQ.